To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

Just reading these i am so glad I was never asked to be anyone's BM. It seems like so much hard work and you are supposed to be grateful for it. I am an old biddy though.

Hope you have a great day OP.

Er, because when you agree to be a bridesmaid you are making a commitment to certain things, and turning up to the dress fittings when they have been booked is one of them. You don't demand one of your very own.

Am I the only one that doesn't understand why the bride needs to see the sister in the dress?

Is the sister picking her own dress? If they are all havin the same hair, they will al be having the same dress?

Unless the sister is insisting on licking everyone else dress to, o don't get why the bride has to be there. The shop will know what dress it is. As long as fits, jobs a good un.

Sounds like the bride has all these events in her head but hasn't really thought about if anyone else will enjoy it.

No, me too katenka. My bridesmaids were all over the country so we never managed a meet up and the first time I saw then in the dress was in the day.

My mother made it clear I had to have my sister as bridesmaid. She struck a deal by which she could go shopping on the morning of the wedding. On my arrival at the church with my father she greeted me with the words 'we should have brought a brush'. After the Reception she was discovered tearing off the paper from the presents brought to the Reception 'so she would know what I was getting'. I don't think our relationship ever recovered though we plastered over the cracks. My advice to you is to put yourself first on this day. Strike a deal with your sister if you think you can. If not leave her out of the bridal party stuff and let her play a part she can do with enthusiasm. No day to be a martyr.

Mmm sounds to me like she may well be jealous. My sister was hugely unhelpful before my wedding (would only wear a certain style of dress, refused to wear the shoes I'd bought and only came home from travelling a day before the wedding - that said she did come on the hen but wasn't interested in any girlie chat). But since then we've discussed it after lots of wine and it turns out she was jealous and that was her way of showing it. Perhaps it is the same for your sister. Remember also, weddings can take over an entire family and maybe she's just left out. Dresses, hair, outfits, table decorations, venue, food, drink, flowers, ceremony details - for the mother of the bride and bride they are fascinating but for others it may just be tiresome. Whilst you are clearly hurt by her reaction, do take a step back. Perhaps write her a letter saying how hurt you are - less confrontational? If you have other bridesmaids have the fun with them in the lead up and try to forget your sister's issues. I wouldn't mind my hair being styled but I wouldn't expect it to be cut or coloured by another hairdresser!! You may be surprised that on the day she is compliant, but I understand that it's hurtful not everyone (not your own sister) is jumping for joy at the impending big day. Try to put it to one side and enjoy the build up with your girlfriends.

I don't get it either Katenka.

I wouldn't let my toddler get away with this sort of self indulgence.

Adrift the hen and dress fitting I can understand. But the FB/whatsapp wedding chat groups, trying on of dresses/wine drinking "for fun" etc just sounds like too much hassle for me.

A relative got married recently and had a "girly album day" complete with invitation that had to be RSVP'd. It was to show off the album, faff about how good the bride looked etc. There were 400 pics to go through (it was a slideshow) and by slide 12 I wanted to sleep. There seems to be "event" for everything nowadays. Far too indulgent for my liking.

I often think that the less you expect people to do, the more they are willing to do. If all you needed her to do was go to the hen do and have her hair put up, she might be more willing to get involved. But a long list of things to come to and get involved in, may have irritated her and now she has been out off the whole idea.

People often agree to be bridesmaid with no idea that the bride has a how schedule of events planned out for them to do and be involved in. I would accept to be a be expecting that I would be being fitted for a frock (possibly with the bride but not necessarily - one of my bm's went along to a shop I knew had the range and got hers sorted. I didn't see it in the flesh until the wedding day), going to the hen do (if possible) and turning up on the day. I wouldn't really be thinking I would be staying over extra nights/being parts of whatsapp chats. It's the most important day of your life, but it's not the most important day of your bridesmaids lives. That's not being mean, or horrid or a spoilt sport. It doesn't mean she doesn't care. It just means it's not her central focus.

JEALOUS!! I would honestly ditch her. Or at least give her the ultimatum!

I think it's fair enough to have all sorts of bridesmaidy events planned providing you have given some thought to who BMs are and whether they will enjoy participating. If your BMs are a cohesive group anyway who you know will be into it, great. If you've picked a mishmash of people out of a mix of duty and loyalty and old times' sake as well as genuine liking and are then trying to force them all to toe the line while pretending to be really happy about everything it's not fair on anyone and will only create dissent and resentment.

I am actually on the other side of this arguemnt and your story is soooo close to mine. Im meant to be a bridesmaid for my sister in August - HOWEVER, I didnt go to try dresses, I dont want the hairdresser doing my hair AND I dont want to go to the hen doo.
I dont know your sisters reasoning, and I know everyone is saying ditch her etc BUT - Here are my reasons -
I live away from her and all of her friends. I know some of the girls being her bridesmaids and they mostly remind me of having a hard time when I was at school. Most of the bridesmaids are not actually her friends. She perceives they are, but I know they just use her and I don't want to watch as she forks out for meals, wine, venues, dresses, hair etc etc etc JUST so they can have a few nice facebook photos of themselves. I feel like my sister is effectively paying for them to have a rediculous photo shoot.
I have spoken with my sister about this, and her 'friends' told her she didnt need me at the wedding - so now im no longer a bridesmaid (my decision) and as her only sister, I feel hurt and torn. I WANT to be there for her big day - sincerely I do, but I dont want her to look back in years and think 'I dont even speak to these people'.
I am not attending the hen doo, as she lives up north and I live down south. She has her friends to go with and I simply cannot afford to pay 300 for a train ticket to travel 5 hours fora night out. Plus I'd have to pay for a hotel as I'm a crazy OCD and cannot stay in other peoples houses - not my sisters - not friends - not parents.
She expected me to pay for travel to the wedding, converse for myself and my daughter as bridesmaids (her 'thing' is baseball boots), rig my two sons out in new suits, rig my husband out in a new suits, pay for hotels and baby sitters for us all when we get up there AND have money to buy a wedding gift, and drinks etc. ALL OF THIS on top of my sons birthday which is the week after her wedding, AND a holiday we've been paying for since November, due to go in September.
I admit - id ont want the stylist doing my hair for purely childish reasons (you may think) - I am paying a S**T load to go up there for one day, and cant even choose how I want my hair to be. I HATE the style shes chosen, and she KNOWS I hate that kind of style.
SO.... THERE YOU GO :) Perspective from the other side .... Im not giving your sister excuses, I am trying to provide the alternate perspective xx

This is my first time using the forum so not sure i've posted right - but hopefully you can see my message xx

JEALOUS!! I would honestly ditch her. Or at least give her the ultimatum!

Um, no. Not everyone is jealous that another human female is getting married.. it happened billions of times the world over.. it's not actually that exciting to anyone but the person getting married. It's a bit embarrassing for you that you feel that way.

Getting married is not the most important thing you will do in your life/ or the most interesting. it's just a day. Also don't issue ultimatums to people.. unless you are willing to never see that person again (all for the sake of fucking day that you will barely remember)

I say this as a married human female whose marriage has outlasted all her friends. It's just a fucking DAY.

I agree with Squashtastic - I hardly remember my wedding day and I know I'd rather not have the day than risk my family never speaking to me again through powering out a daft ultimatum x

Adrift I get the feeling that taking additional time out of the bride's busy schedule isn't going to be a problem for the op as she obviously likes to create as many 'wedding' themed days/nights as possible, so another day with the sister trying on a bridesmaid dress shouldn't be another great wedding day out for op. However, if they are all wearing the same dress, as others have said, the sister can actually just go to the shop and get fitted - op doesn't need to be there.

However, it looks like facebook, group chat, whatsapp and whatever else was a bit too quiet with op's wedding talk so she came here and started a thread to talk about it some more and never even bothered to come back.

should be another great wedding day out for op.

Where is OP?

Oh yes your wedding day is not 'the most important of your life' It's a marker and celebration of a new (way of)life is all.

I too am long and happily married and had a lovely but relatively simple wedding (though church wedding ,96 guests,white dress,sit down reception etc)

I do sometimes wonder if some girls have never had, and do not anticipate, anything else exciting or dramatic ever happening to them ?So create,often at vast expense (which they spend years either saving for or paying off,often when they don't own their own houses) a sort of scenario /play with them in the starrng role? Hence the effort some couples put into 'first dance', rings being delivered by doves, elaborate sets of photographs,incuding their shoes ...I could go on .And in some peculiar way almost enjoy the fallings out etc as it adds to the excitment
Just call me a kill joy .And each to their own of course
I do hope the bride wearing/getting her bm s to wear converse does not regret it in later life when she looks at her photographs .

Wow, I clearly did it all wrong then! My bridesmaids picked their own dresses which I first saw on them on my wedding day. Older bridesmaid helped out with last minute wedding stuff the day before, 6 year old bridesmaid held my flowers and tried to carry my train (tricky as I didn't really have one)

Aren't bridesmaids just supposed to stand around looking ornamental? And marry the groom if you don't turn up?

Post you are - IMO - being very judgemental.

It might not be the most important day, but it probably will be the only time most of the people she loves are in one place, celebrating something so important to her.

What business is it of yours if people own their own homes when they get married, or take out loans or spend years saving or ask their bridesmaids to wear pumps?!

I get the feeling that taking additional time out of the bride's busy schedule isn't going to be a problem for the op as she obviously likes to create as many 'wedding' themed days/nights as possible

The list really isn't that bad.

A trip to the shops
A night out
Staying over

Big deal!

As I said now , each to their own .I would not if course express my views to a bride- to be. But this is an anoymous site

That's true. Good point!