To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

YANBU OP, I'd either ditch her or give her the dress and tell to turn up wearing it but chances are she won't even do that.

I think knowing the attitude she's doing this with will make all the difference. For example, I mean that if she's sulky about it and huffing and not taking calls, that sounds like she's either put out at being upstaged, or she has some other burr up her rectum that she needs to get out. On the other hand, if she's shy, or awkward, it could be any number of things: she might have social anxiety, she might be short of cash at the moment and is embarrassed by it, she might not know or feel comfortable with the other BMs, she might be worried how she will look no matter what dress she's in.

Personally, I would send her a quiet little email asking if there's something you can help her with so that she gets to enjoy the day and the lead-up as well.

Is there an obvious reason for this? Financial, weight, shyness?

Wedding chat is desperately dull to everyone other than the bride so I can't blame her for wanting to avoid that, but the hair thing is just plain odd. Have you explained that it is only getting an up-do and not having a cut etc? Maybe she has just misunderstood?

But if it is going to be more trouble than it is worth, perhaps have a quiet word with her to say that if she wants to be a BM, she needs to come and try on the dress, and if she doesn't come, she can't be a bridesmaid.

I think she's being a bit twatty about the hen do and trying on dresses so I would just leave her out of it, give her the dress and tell her to turn up on the day.

The rest sounds a bit overkill particularly facebook chat about the wedding so unreasonable to expect her to be an involved and excited about your wedding as you are

tbh all that hen stuff sounds like nightmare to me. Forced jollity with a bunch of women who are presumably your friends, not hers...yuk. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your bm on the day though.

YANBU but you do need to talk to her about why she's behaving like this. It's her sister's wedding, she should be excited! Even if she hates the groom/colour of the dresses/date you've picked/venue you've picked, she's your sister. If she wasn't happy for you, why would she agree to be a BM?

For info folks, joining whatsapp means you don't need to share your mobile number with anyone, but you can create a group where everyone can talk easily and for free. She could easily do this to be involved. Completely get not wanting to join FB (but this raises alarm bells for me, she's 22, a part of the social age...it sounds like she's pretty introvert)

I ask the same question as others though, is your sister shy? Has she fallen out with one of the bridesmaids? Does she not know anyone? Is she overweight and the others skinny so is she concerned? Is she jealous that you're getting married and she isn't?

As I say, you need to talk to her, there's a real reason for her behaviour, you need to understand it and either adapt or cut her as BM.

Good luck!

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
Does she know what the plans are for the hen night? Does she know the other bridesmaids very well? Does she normally like raucous(?) nights out?

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
How well does she know the other bridesmaids? How well does she get on with them?

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
How well does she know the other bridesmaids? How well does she get on with them?

She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
Not at all unreasonable to not want to join a social networking site if she doesn't want to. Was there a reason you couldn't just use email to send her pictures

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".
Have you explained to her what 'doing her hair' will involve? Will there be a practice run beforehand so that she knows what it will look like? Do your bridesmaids get any say in how their hair is done?

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.
Again, does she know the other bridesmaids very well? It sounds as though she could just be nervous/shy. If none of your other bridesmaids are close friends of hers then you need to arrange some stuff to do with just you, your sister, and whichever of your bridesmaids you think she'd feel most comfortable with.

tbh all that hen stuff sounds like nightmare to me. Forced jollity with a bunch of women who are presumably your friends, not hers...yuk. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your bm on the day though.

This. OP, have a realistic think about whether there is actually any need whatsoever for the bridesmaids to be all girls together.

Am I reading this right? Your sister won't give YOU, her sister, her mobile phone number?

"My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable."
And here is your main problem - your mother is backing your sister up in her unreasonableness. Is there a history of this? Both of this really, sister's unreasonableness and mother choosing her over you regardless of logic?

"she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit"."
That's very - rigid. I'm presuming hairdresser is just styling/putting up, not cutting? Any other examples of her being so rigid.

"I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult."
I think your OK to tell her then, that if she wants to be your bridesmaid she has to stopping making it so fucking difficult then. And telling your mother to back off.

I agree with random

It really depends though, whether she is an introvert/ private type of person who likes a quiet life and her own space and is just not into dresses and shoes and hen night japes and staying over with a bunch of women she doesn't know well (apart from you) or whether she is being precious ... You'll know her well enough to know which.

For some people the things you list would be brilliant fun, for others they would be a bit of a nightmare - and if she's very uncomfortable and awkward with all the communal girly stuff it is a lot to have to smile through and being 22 doesn't automatically mean being into girly nights out/ in and sleeping over with your sisters' mates and giggling over dresses.

Don't travel to her house to get her opinion on dresses or anything though - she should accept that if she doesn't come along to choose she gets what she is given.

she may of course be part of the 30% who doesn't have a brickphone and sees no reason to shell out on one for girly squealing about dresses...

I don't know about this one. She dies sound like she's being difficult but as lots of others have pointed out there could be any number of valid reasons for her behaviour. I didn't really enjoy my sister's hen do because I was the only one who wasn't part of the friendship group.

Have you talked to her about it?

Have you asked your mother if she knows why your sister is reluctant to join in with some of your plans? Perhaps there is a good reason for your mother to be backing your sister up.

I would gently ask your mother about it - say you've noticed your Dsis is a bit reluctant to join in with some of your plans and does she know why. Is it because she is worried about something or someone?

Oh sack her. She clearly isn't interested. Do you think she's jealous of the attention you're naturally getting as the bride, and is trying to claw some for herself?

Don't pander to it and don't give her a choice. "dear sis - it's clear you aren't interested in any part of your role as bridesmaid so I've decided that rather than put you through any more, it's best if you drop out.
It must be as irritating for you to keep having to refuse activities as it is hurtful to me"

Horrible girl.

I don't think YABU, and it does sound as if she's not liking the attention being on you. However - try to see it from her point of view too - maybe she feels that everything is about your wedding at the moment.
Please don't sack her, that risks damaging your relationship for the sake of one day.
Unless you want the hair a specific way, let her do her own.
Having a night to try on all the dresses is fine if that's what you want, but don't expect her to do that unless it's a proper fitting.

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
Fine - whatever has been arranged might not be her cup of tea or she is not at ease socially with your friends. It's an invitation not a command.

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She sounds shy or else she loathes someone in your wedding party and is trying to be discreet.

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
So she'd rather sleep in her own bed on the night before / day of the wedding ? I don't see the issue unless you two are usually very close and most importantly you are paying for it. Obliging anyone to stay is unreasonable, even more so if it's at unnecessary expense to them.

She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
If she is this disengaged she doesn't get an opinion. End of discussion.

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".
The week before is fine isn't it? Time to soften out a cut or colour? Again it just saves you money unless you want them all "styled" in a similar fashion.

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either.
Her choice but she does need to commit to trying on the dress within a reasonable timeframe for any alterations to be made. She is going to find it tough on the day though if she hasn't broken the ice with the other BMs at all.

Ahem - for most people, being a bridesmaid is a social obligation which is very difficult to refuse. But it is basically standing around looking decorative for the day and occasionally helping the bride use the loo if the dress is ginormous. Chill.

Sounds to me like she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid at all.

My SIL was my bridesmaid and she was always in jeans, short hair, very little make-up, quite boyish style and she hated having to wear the huge flower headdress and meringue dress I chose (it was 1990)
she did it without complaint but couldn't get changed quick enough come the evening.

Just lay it on the line with your sis - either cooperate or don't be a bridesmaid. No pressure, no judgement but it's her choice, take it or leave it. But if she says yes then she has to fall in line because it's not fair on you to have to keep chasing her up over every little thing.

OP - she doesn't want to be your bridesmaid - oh she does want to be one of the important people on the day, but she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid in the sense of actually having anything to do with the wedding or planning. She's not interested.

For sake of family harmony, buy her a matching dress and give it to her. Tell her if she needs it altering, she needs to come to X dress fitting. Mentally right her support and help off, she's not a bridesmaid, she's just their as a guest that happens to be wearing the same dress as the bridesmaids.

Also agree that she doesn't have to comply with all of the above things, just the really important ones.

Totally agree with everything softly said. Although I don't really understand the bit about the hair - surely you don't expect her to get cut/coloured on the day of the wedding, just styled or put up or whatever? What difference does that make to her, unless she'd rather pay to get her hair blowdried/put up elsewhere?

Is your sister large or have other body issues?

Hairdresser on the day - surely it is just having your hair blow dried nicely or styled up, OP have you mixed that up and think you should be booking a hair cut or colour for your bridesmaids on the day? If not, have you explained to her that it wouldn't be having her hair cut, it would be having it styled - either pinned up or blow dried nicely for her, not having it cut/coloured.

It all sounds very full on to me.

Must she try on the dresses with everyone else?