To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

Is she jealous of you getting married?

I'd bet she's not jealous, she's just not that into what you are into (which atm is all things wedding and girls together) and probably shy and/or awkward and/or private and/ or uncomfortable with all that communal getting changed together and sharing a room sleepoverey trying dresses on stuff.

Why does she have to be part of it all? She seems to not be keen on the whole wedding thing going over the top type of thing (several trips to chose dress, invite to talk about the wedding with bridemaid etc...).

I would ensure she has the dress, that it fits and the date and place of the wedding.
The hair stuff is surprising but tbh if she isn't comfortable mixing up with your friends/being involved in the whole wedding stuff the way you do it, then so be it.

It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be part of the wedding nor does it mean that she has an issue with or doesn't want to really to celebrate your day.
More than she doesn't like the fuss involved in it.

Make it easy for you and let her be. As long as she is present for the day with the dress, it will be ok.

I wonder if she doesn't want to be bridesmaid and couldn't face telling you?

Give her an out and see if she takes it.

My sister agreed to BM for someone she thought would be minimal fuss. The BTB was low key compared to what you describe but not as low key as my sister was expecting.

Do you know what your sister was expecting? Anyway, I'd really gently say "you don't have to do this and the way you are handling it is causing hassle, so please don't feel guilty about pulling out"?

That said, I think it's fair enough to just have the dress and turn up....I don't know why a Facebook or Whatsapp group is needed to talk about anything. You and the others might find it fun but I'd rather be contacted when someone has something they need to say.

PS does she know your bridesmaids well? I don't give my mobile number to people unless I know them really well.

YABU and a bridezilla. Most of that stuff is completely reasonable on her part. The only thing I agree with you on is the hairdresser on the day. Why can't she have her hair done the week before like normal, and then just have her hair styled by your hair dresser on the day?

Hen dos are awful, and she's fine to say no thanks. The second hen do when you try on all the dresses sounds awful too, I'd hate that, and it's all so unnecessary. Why on earth do you need her opinion on the bm dresses? Just get the ones everyone else likes, if she actually cared, she'd let you know what she thought. She doesn't care.

She's coming on the day, wearing the dress you've chosen, but not doing any add on overnights or outings - fair enough isn't it? How may nights per year do you really need everyone to give up in honour of your wedding?

What's your hairdresser planning to do to her that she objects to? Or is it that she has to arrive 3 hours earlier to get her hair in a half ponytail and she can't be arsed to sort out childcare or something?

I agree with pp that maybe she's very shy or has social anxiety. How many bridesmaids do you have? Does she know them at all? If you have a lot of bridesmaids/she doesn't know them, it could feel very overwhelming for her.

Each to their own, but personally it sounds like the bridesmaids are expected to have a lot of commitment. When I got married we organised a shopping trip where I let them choose dresses I liked, but most importantly dresses they felt comfortable in, they came to the hen do (which didn't have too many of us) then they just had their hair & makeup done on the day. One of my bridesmaids didn't like her makeup as she likes a heavier look so re did it herself, I didn't mind at all.

I would say perhaps speak to her or your mum about it, to see if you can understand why she seems so uninvolved. Then just ask her to come to the essentials and let her skip the extras.

For those saying hen dos are hideous - surely if you feel that way you don't accept being a bridesmaid? I mean, it's a basic 'job' of a bridesmaid to do the organising for the hen do, which you should really then go on, or am I missing something?

Having your hair put up on the day, being expected to try dresses with the other bridesmaids so you can find something that suits everyone (rather than having to have multiple trips to the shops until you find something that looks ok on the lot), trying on shoes to be certain the ones picked will fit/be comfy, these aren't unreasonable requests, it's not like you are asking her to help decorate the venue or make the invitations or other things that a bridesmaid might have to do if it's more of a DIY wedding.

I think that perhaps you are being a Bridezilla. Your sister has to behave a certain way and do certain things that suit you. But what about her?

Perhaps you should be turning the question 'Do you want to be a bridesmaid?' on its head. Do you want HER to be a bridesmaid? Is she important to you to have as a bridesmaid? At the moment it does sound like you could take her or leave her, if she doesn't follow orders, which frankly as much about you as it does her.

She is your sister. Not a friend. You should have different expectations because it is a different relationship. I do think that actually you need to do bridesmaid things together as sisters one on one rather than insist on doing everything as a group. Because that is the nature of your relationship. She is NOT one of your friends like the others.

It is your big day, but you know what, that doesn't mean you dictate terms, conditions and orders as the boss and expect everyone to fall in line with that. You work WITH someone, if they are an important part of your day. You compromise. This 'falling in line' business is disgusting tbh. You want people to be bridesmaids because they are people who are special to you, not because they will look good in photographs. And if you don't get that, then you are really missing the point and HAVE turned into a Bridezilla.

You have said how old she is, but you haven't said how old you are. Are you similar in age or is there a big gap? Do you like doing the same things? Is she part of your circle of friends with the other bridesmaids or is she the 'odd one out' and only there because she is your sister? Is she part of your clique?

Just because you think you are including her by inviting her to things, does not mean you are really including her. An invitation alone does not make someone feel welcome and included. It takes more than that. She may feel, that she's just going to be the spare wheel and hanger on.

I honestly do not get this mentality that she has to be a wedding slave to your wedding. Its ok for her not to be as invested as you, in the same way.

I think you are ridiculous demanding that she attend the hen do and stay at the same hotel as you. Why? Why is this essential? It really is NOT a big deal or important. As for the dresses and make up? It depends on how much she thinks she will be valued as part of the decision making process...

I do wonder how much else is going on too. Is there background information here that means you Mum is supporting her (as in is it possible you might be a Bridezilla over everything else and you are pissing people off with it unknowingly).

Sorry OP but I think YABU. Your sister probably really wants to be your bridesmaid and support you on the day, but that involves attending the wedding and wearing the dress you both choose for her. It does not necessarily mean being involved with your friends in the lead-up to it. Not everybody likes that side of weddings - personally I think that your description of all the bridesmaid mingling sounds far more OTT than I would be comfortable attending. Of course you are entitled to arrange all those events (and I'm sure your friends enjoy them) but it would be my idea of hell to spend that much time with my sister and her friends trying on wedding dresses!

I have particular sympathy with your sister not wanting her hair done on the day by a hairdresser she doesn't know. Again, personally I would hate that and would much prefer to consult with my normal hairdresser about styles I could do myself on the day, and which work with my normal hairstyle.

I really wouldn't read too much into it. There may be lots of different reasons why your sister doesn't want to be involved so much. Remember that she is your bridesmaid because of all your shared history and family. What really matters is that she will be with you on the wedding day.

For those saying hen dos are hideous - surely if you feel that way you don't accept being a bridesmaid? I mean, it's a basic 'job' of a bridesmaid to do the organising for the hen do, which you should really then go on, or am I missing something?

Er yes. Massively.

I don't really see why you think she is making things difficult, she just doesn't want to be with your friends / involved in the 'extras' you have added on. Surely having your sister there for your actual wedding is more important than the crap like hen dos

Although many exceed the minimum, the bridesmaids' required duties are very limited. They are required to attend the wedding ceremony and to assist the bride on the day of the wedding. Bridesmaids in Europe and North America are often asked to assist the bride with planning the wedding and a wedding reception. In modern times, a bridesmaid often participates in planning wedding-related events, such as a bridal shower or bachelorette party, if there are any. These, however, are optional activities; according to etiquette expert Judith Martin, "Contrary to rumor, bridesmaids are not obliged to entertain in honor of the bride, nor to wear dresses they cannot afford." If it is customary in the bride's area to have a bridesmaids luncheon, then it is hosted, and therefore organized and paid for, by the bride. A junior bridesmaid has no responsibilities beyond attending the wedding.

In short, its open to opinion and there is not definitive 'job role' for a bridesmaid. The OPs sister does not have to do X, Y or Z in order to be a 'proper' bridesmaid.

I thought the whole idea of a bridemaid is to look nice on the photos???

I thought the whole idea of a bridemaid is to look nice on the photos???

Hire models or professional bridesmaids then. They will be better at standing in the best pose for the camera, and can be chosen as so to not 'outshine' the bride...

"it's a basic 'job' of a bridesmaid to do the organising for the hen do,"

Is it?

Heavens-I organised my own!

Having hair & make up done didn't occur to me either-we did our own.

For me, your requests are pretty full on. For my wedding I had only two grown up bridesmaids. They choose their dresses separately. All I asked was they were both the same colour and length. I met with them individually to choose them, that worked better for their schedules and made them both comfortable. The only other thing we did was the hen do and met at the hairdressers in the morning to have our hair done.

Now I appreciate with lots of bridesmaids it gets more complicated, but I wouldn't want to be in a whatsapp group giving my phone number to a group of people I don't really know. Lots of forced get togethers, mini hen dos as someone has called it, doesn't sound like my cup of tea and maybe it's not hers either?

Maybe if there were less meet ups, less chat about it, she might be more willing to join in. She might feel it's all just too much. I think you need to talk honestly with her, let her know you don't expect her to come to them all but would love her to be involved in some if she could.

Here OP this is what you need bridesmaidforhire.com/ Rent a Bridesmaid for your special day

Why hire a professional bridesmaid?
Weddings are expensive for friends and family. For many, it requires traveling hundreds of miles to attend engagement parties, showers, and the actual day itself. If you’re in the bridal party, it often requires a big commitment in time and energy. While you may want to have specific friends and family as part of your “big day” they may not be able to fly across the country to help you shop for a dress, know where to start when it comes to planning your bridal shower, or have the evenings open to chat on the phone about what’s on your to-do list that week and the wedding challenges and roadblocks you’re knocking into. By hiring a Professional Bridesmaid, you can still honor your friends and family by having them be your bridesmaids, but without the burden or the “dirty work”. The Professional Bridesmaid does all the heavy lifting – so you and your girls can focus on the fun!

What's the role of a professional bridesmaid?
A Professional Bridesmaid is there to be your:- Personal assistant- On-call therapist- Social director- The ultimate peacekeeper

sadly though I think you might be out of luck in the UK as its a US site

I think you're asking quite a lot of your BMs. But if the other BMs are ok with that, and only your sister is dragging her heels, the best solution is to withdraw her involvement. Do it kindly - explain that you hadn't realised she wouldn't want to get involved and you don't want to be making her feel guilty or causing yourself stress so it's best if you back away from her as BM and the two of you work out another role for her that she can feel comfortable with. But do it directly with no room for ambiguity. It will be better for you and her if you sort this now.

One thing to remember is that while your other bridesmaids may be well up for jolly hen night japes and be prepared to spend hours discussing your big day, a family member in the bridesmaids team is the one person you are going to rely on if anything goes wrong with family in or around the day itself.

If your parents are divorced and being difficult you may use her to mediate, if you have other siblings who need corralling, or a drunken uncle who needs to be steered away. etc etc.

Far more important than searching amazon for realistic willy drinking straws!

OMG Redtoothbrush that's hysterical !

What's the issue here - why does this bother you so much? She obv isn't that bothered to be involved in choosing the dress, but is happy to wear whatever you choose for her. Why does it matter if she doesn't get her hair done on the day? I can see it's a bit galling for you she doesn't want to go the hen do but her choice - maybe she'd feel out of place with your other friends, shy etc? As long as she comes to the wedding, as your bridesmaid, wearing the dress, what else really matters?

I must be really old, but seriously, to mind someone not getting Whatsapp or joining a FB group to chat about someone else's wedding?

Can't see why this makes anything "fucking awkward and difficult" at all! I know you said you weren't a bridezilla but - really?

Family members should be willing to help whether or not they are bridesmaids. Both my brothers had 'jobs' at our wedding despite not being official ushers and did sterling work.

Bridesmaids should be the wing-women you can absolutely rely on to be on your side and making everything run more easily. Someone who's determined to be Little Miss Lone Wolf and refusing to join the chat and muck in has disqualified herself. That's fine - no-one should feel obliged - but it's a recipe for disaster to expect more of people than they are willing to give.

Hahaha at professional bridesmaids Do they get to take pride of place in the photos?

I think YABU expecting her to join Facebook just to be on messenger. The rest all sounds way too full on and would make me back off.
Is a marriage better the more complicated, expensive, inconvenient and 'fun' the lead up?