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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

207 replies

Brizilla · 01/03/2016 12:18

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 01/03/2016 20:11

None of it's "essential"! The only essential things for a wedding are the couple who wants to get married, an officiant, and two witnesses.

Honestly I do think all this dress, flowers, cake, matching fucking outfit, colour schemes, table decoration shit really does trivialise what is actually a really important and solemn legal ceremony. You're about to join your lives, your finances, your futures together. But no, it's all about Clarissa doesn't want to join in with the flaming sambucca shots on the hen night and now Melissa is RUINING EVERYTHING because she won't join Facebook.

I'm really glad I got married before the internet.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/03/2016 20:44

I really don't understand why it's essential for the bridesmaids to go to the hen do. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to one and only had a meal (because other people wanted to do something), but neither of my bridesmaids came and it didn't bother me at all.

Paintedhandprints · 01/03/2016 20:58

So everyone has piled in with the 'I hate weddings, hen dos, dresses, hair, etc, so therefore your sis probably also hates those things'. If she does then why the f did she agree to be a bm?
Not enough info from op to judge sisters motivations. However, imo, if you agree to be bm, you have agreed at least to wear a tasteless dress, have your hair styled on the day and to, you know, actually help and support the bride. Not make it more difficult.

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 01/03/2016 21:23

i think she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, while she shouldn't have to do ALL of that, i think the dress shopping and hair dressing are a requisite of being a bridesmaid.

If she can't be at least a little co-operative, sack her.

dulcefarniente · 01/03/2016 21:28

I wonder when the OP last took an interest in what's happening in her dsis's life or has it all been about the wedding for some time? The activities mentioned are not to everyone's taste and as pp have said she may not be comfortable with the other bm's for whatever reason. Speculating wildly if the OP's friends are at a similar stage i.e. planning their own weddings/newlyweds and the dsis is single and not happy about it you can see why she wouldn't be up for all of it and why the dm was supportive of her stance.

Bunbaker · 01/03/2016 22:07

"No, not only on Mumsnet, ICanTuck. Some people like mahoosive weddings with endless preliminary discussions and preparations with loads of girly bonding amongst bride, bridesmaids, and bride's friends. For some people the thought of taking part in all that makes them want to curl up and die. Some people come somewhere in between those extremes. It's a society-wide thing."

This ^^

Jux · 01/03/2016 23:24

I'm not at all miserable about weddings. I love them. I love going to weddings and other big celebrations, but I'm not going to join a social network because of one, nor am I going to spend all my spare time hiking around trying on dresses and spending ridiculous amounts of time cooing over things I'm not that bothered about. None of those things are about the wedding, the wedding is the public commitment two people make to each other.

Who cares if someone's dress clashes with the colours of the bridesmaids or the napkins. No one's going to give a shit because everyone's too busy enjoying themselves, witnessing the couple making their commitment to each other, and then everyone's enjoying the party after, talking to old friends, to family who might not have been seen for ages, meeting new people. Doing the things you do when two families join together and have a party!

None of the rest of it matters. What matters is the marriage. I think that people get so caught up in the 'show' that they forget.

landrover · 01/03/2016 23:27

Why hasn't OP come back?

Ready123 · 01/03/2016 23:33

Why should any bridesmaid want her hair styled by a hairdresser she doesn't know?!

I am baffled about how this is a "duty" of the bridesmaid!

And I speak as somebody who has seen horrific hairdos at weddings..

Pigeonpost · 01/03/2016 23:41

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it

Fair enough. Some people mainly MN'ers don't like hen do's.

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids

Fair enough. Why does this all have to be done together anyway?!

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids

Fair enough. Why is this even necessary anyway?

You have her mobile number right? It seems incongruous that you would not. She presumably has email? Why does she need to get involved in 'group chat' bleurgghhh about the wedding.

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

This one is the only one where I think she is being a tiny bit unreasonable and perhaps difficult for the sake of it (assuming you aren't intending to cut/colour her hair on the day). Brides do like their identikit bridesmaids with matchy matchy 'done up' hair. But if this is the latest after a string of all the others above then she's just got fucked off with it all and has had enough of your demands. Why don't you just ask her if she actually wants to be your BM? Not in a snotty way but give her the opportunity to not do it if she wants to. Maybe she's trying to tell you something and she'd be happier/more comfortable wearing an outfit of her own choice and doing her hair how she likes. Maybe she could do a reading if she wants a different role in the wedding.

Pigeonpost · 01/03/2016 23:41

Bollocks, I forgot to bold the rest of the quoted bits so it's hard to read. Bedtime for me..

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2016 23:44

I don't get why a bride would insist on a bridesmaid having their hair styles at all. The main thing I wanted for my bridesmaids was that they were all happy and comfortable. They chose their own dresses, shoes and hairstyles. I bought them jewellery as a present so I suppose I forced that on them. I chose them because I wanted to have a lovely time getting ready with them in the morning and drug the wedding, not because I wanted nice photos.

Alasalas · 01/03/2016 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

futuremrsstinson · 01/03/2016 23:56

I'd be pretty disappointed tbh OP. I'm not a social person at all, and a lot of that would make me break out in a cold sweat, but for my sisters wedding? I'd make the effort.

I'd be having a chat with her- if she can't be bothered to do her job properly then I think you need to drop her and look for another bridesmaid.

Where are you parents in all this- could they have pushed her into being your bridesmaid and she is doing it to keep them happy/keep the peace? It doesn't sound like she wants to do it tbh.

BackforGood · 01/03/2016 23:59

YABU with your expectations IMO.

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it Fair enough - I have never been keen on the idea myself. Forced fun with people you only are there with because you have a mutual friend

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids Depends what you are doing here - obviously she will need to try on the dress, and it makes life easier to do that together so you only have to go the once - if she's objecting to that, then SIBU, but if you are doing lots of trips and making it into some kind of day out, then fair enough she wasn't expecting that. Also, we don't know how much choice of day/time/date you are giving - she may have other things on. Be interesting to hear her take on this.

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids Again, fair enough - why would she need to? Bridesmaid duties don't include night time duties. It might just not be, like me that it's something she wants to spend her money on

She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion Again, no reason why she should join a social media set up if she doesn't want to - surely you have her phone number if she's your sister? - I don't see why that meant you had to go to her house, could you not have called her?

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit" I didn't expect my bridesmaids to come to my hairdresser, nor, as a bridesmaid have I been expected to use anyone else's hairdresser - don't the majority of people prefer to have their hair done by their own hairdresser? I can't see how that is unreasonable.

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw So I supsect that means she's got better things to do than spend a night trying on a dress

Maki79 · 02/03/2016 00:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

bedouincheek · 02/03/2016 01:54

I haven't read replies so sorry if I'm repeating. From my experience, being another non-bridezilla:
What happens before the wedding is really quite unimportant in the long run.
The day of the wedding, time goes so fast your feet will hardly touch the ground. *arrange a time to have a 'date' with your new husband (/wife?) on the day, to take a breather and say hello to each other.
I am presuming you and your sister are not very close (like me and some of my siblings). In which case it is unlikely that your friends etc aren't close either, so pre-wedding stuff is a stressy nightmare / bloody boring for her. That's ok too. You will have more fun not worrying she's having a good time.
If your mum is insisting she is invited to everything (if your relationship allows) have a word with your sister. Ask how much she is comfortable attending. If it is one thing, then that's it, if nothing, that's ok too.

I wouldn't ask if she wants to be a bridesmaid.

If she is having anxiety over this (for whatever reason) it might be that she is hugely trying to be there for you at the moment but just can't, and can't explain why she is unable to.
If she really isn't that interested, then the same applies. Arrange what you want, invite her, but don't (try not to ) take offence if she can't make it.
It's lovely if she comes, dressed as you envisaged, and enjoys the day. If she doesn't then all eyes will still be on you... Unless she comes as a panto donkey, in which case - what a story!

Enjoy your day OP. It really does go fast and all this seems super small afterwards. I hope you all have a wonderful day

Katenka · 02/03/2016 06:21

I'd be having a chat with her- if she can't be bothered to do her job properly then I think you need to drop her and look for another bridesmaid.

Turning up wearing the dress she has been asked to , walking down the aisle and being in photos is her 'job'.

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 02/03/2016 07:52

I can't believe the negative people on here. Being a bridesmaid means you at least need to attend the dress fittings and get your hair done with everyone else on the day, if you can't commit to those then don't be a fucking bridesmaid!

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 02/03/2016 07:58

Honestly weddings on mumsnet are like the amazing chicken that feeds the 5000. If you listen to people everyone gets married in their own back garden in jeans and t shirt, with everyone else wearing what they like. There are no invitations, no gifts and no alcohol with children running around screaming all day.

squashtastic · 02/03/2016 08:02

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it

Why does she need to? If she isn't friends with your friends or it isn't her thing, why should she be there? She's meant to be there on your wedding day.

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
Can she not do it in her own time? That's whole day she has to waste on top of Hen night.

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids

I genuinely cna't see why she should do this? Again ANOTHER day devoted to yoru wedding on top of actual wedding.

She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number
This made me cringe a bit tbh, you have a fb group to discuss your wedding?
I wouldn't want randoms messaging me on whatsapp either.

so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.

Can you email her? I agree with you she should at least be open to email or whatsapp from you. Or she can go to the shop and do it herself.

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit

Why can't she sort her hair as she wants it?

It must be brilliant to be on the grooms side and just show up without being dictated to or having your hair a certain way or a certain dress. None of these details are half as important to someone who isn't actually getting married.

Janeyjanejane · 02/03/2016 08:03

You will be a bride for one day but a sister for life. Your sister ( and your marriage) are way more important than your wedding day. Chill out.

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 02/03/2016 08:06

Why should the bride take more time out of her schedule to take her sister to try bridesmaid dresses on separately from the others? You have to try the dress on to check it looks okay and so measurements for any alterations can be made! It's not an unreasonable expectation of the bride at all!

rumbleinthrjungle · 02/03/2016 08:10

She basically wants to do her own thing on her own terms, and wear a dress (but doesn't want to be involved in choosing or fitting it). So she and you would be happier if she was a guest who gets to do all of those things without it being an issue. She can have another role if she wants it, ring bearer or chief handbag holder, but no need to spoil your fun and add stress by both of you being miserable over expectations neither of you agree on.

squashtastic · 02/03/2016 08:10

^Why should the bride take more time out of her schedule to take her sister to try bridesmaid dresses on separately from the others? You have to try the dress on to check it looks okay and so measurements for any alterations can be made! It's not an unreasonable expectation of the bride at all!
Book^

Because it's her wedding?

Her schedule needs to allow it if she's going to expect a big wedding. Why should everyone else fall around a grown woman's "wedding schedule", so she can be a princess for a day?

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