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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

207 replies

Brizilla · 01/03/2016 12:18

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 01/03/2016 15:14

I'll be your bridesmaid Brizilla Ill come along to everything and join the groups and that. (misses point of thread)

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/03/2016 15:46

For those saying hen dos are hideous - surely if you feel that way you don't accept being a bridesmaid? I mean, it's a basic 'job' of a bridesmaid to do the organising for the hen do, which you should really then go on, or am I missing something?

No, it absolutely isn't the basic job of the bridesmaid. IME hen dos are mostly organised by the bride, given that she knows who she wants included and what sort of things they like doing. The basic job of the bridesmaid is to turn up at the ceremony and support the bride; anything else is an optional add-on.

Wombatinabathhat · 01/03/2016 16:04

Are you coming back OP?
This all sounds like my idea of hell. I would hate to have to go try on dresses with a group of random bm's. I would probably agree to come on the hen do, but reluctantly. I don't do fb and wouldn't want to be in a 'special bm' group on whatsapp. I only ever use one hairdresser tricky hair but other than that, I would be a lovely bm

Foginthehills · 01/03/2016 16:04

ahhhh, I remember the good old days when the dresses were made by one's grandmother, mother & aunts, one turned up at the church, dressed up, did the bridesmaid thing, then went back to the bride's parents' house for the wedding breakfast and party.

Being a bridesmaid can be as simple as that. YABU in making such a huge hullaballoo and demanding your sister's time in this way. Just give her the dress, and directions to the church.

lorelei9 · 01/03/2016 16:30

Something else that's confused me OP

You had to travel to hers to show her pics of the dresses? They couldn't be emailed?

BalloonSlayer · 01/03/2016 16:36

Blimey am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious?

She won't do:

list of about 10 ridiculous bridezilla-y things

followed by

"I'm not a bridezilla."

Priceless!

Yes. yes you are.

Seryph · 01/03/2016 16:37

[clutching at straws here] I have dreadlocks so would probably not get my hair styled along with everyone else in the morning, I would seek out my own trusted person who knows what they are doing to sort out my hair, could it be something along those lines?

Wombatinabathhat · 01/03/2016 16:40

I'm with you Balloon It seems pretty unbelievable that the OP didn't know her sister's phone number but had to go round there.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/03/2016 17:08

I wouldn't do half the crap in your list either. If wear the frock and turn up on the day to help, the rest is just drama.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:23

Sorry - I find these people saying 'i don't like hen do's' to be a bit miserable TBH. She hasn't said that it's going to be some big tacky/wild night out - and even if it was - who on earth wouldn't swallow it and join in for the sake of their sister? Even if it's not your 'cup of tea'.

There's plenty of places to go / things to do that wouldn't be my first choice but if it's someone you care about and it's their night why on earth would you avoid it? I just think that's just being plain miserable. Sorry

RE the sister - she is very young. I was my sister's BM when I was 21 and I'm not sure how helpful I was in hindsight but it was my sister and I was happy she asked me. I went to the hen and there was loads of people I hardly knew and yes there was L plates and all that caper but at the wedding it meant I recognized people.

I think if you told her how disappointed you are and asked her to cheer up and join in a bit more.

I think staying over the night before the wedding so you are all where you need to be in the morning is good sense.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:25

How on earth is wanting someone to meet the people they are being BMs with before the wedding so it isn't awkward and there's a bit of camaraderie 'drama'??

expatinscotland · 01/03/2016 17:27

I would find all of that intensely boring. She probably doesn't want to be a bridesmaid but didn't know how to tell you. LOL at all these 'she's jealous' comments. Maybe she just finds it all dull. We eloped because we both found weddings a faff.

Wombatinabathhat · 01/03/2016 17:32

I am generally very cheery. Being asked to do all the above is what would make me miserable.
Personally, I am quite capable of getting myself to where I need to be without having to stay over. I would rather stay over following the wedding.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:35

But if it's your sister's wedding... surely you would just be bored/miserable/whatever and not do what you would 'rather' do.

I feel sorry for OP.

I had a useless BM too - wouldn't respond to messages (even one's saying that I was going to pay for various things for her that I didn't need to) and when she did it was always moaning. She would suggest 'fun' get togethers and then would flake out on them. It really hurt my feelings and put a dampner on things.
And that wasn't my sister. If it was I'd have been gutted.

Ignore the misers, OP. You aren't being unreasonable at all (in my opinion) - hope the other BMs make up for it.

Wombatinabathhat · 01/03/2016 17:41

@misers.
I would agree to the hen do, as I previously stated. My Dsis knows me better than to try and drag me to some multiples dress fittings and communal 'hair doing' stuff. It would also not be her thing. Luckily, I'm too old to be anyone's bm or even maid of honour

expatinscotland · 01/03/2016 17:44

'But if it's your sister's wedding... surely you would just be bored/miserable/whatever and not do what you would 'rather' do.'

True. But I wouldn't be happy about it. I'd still find it boring and annoying.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:48

expat yeah that's ok to find it boring and annoying! I totally get that.
But surely you'd be bored and annoyed through gritted teeth for the sake of someone you love? And then moan about it to DP/colleagues/the dog/whoever?

wombat I couldn't bring myself to say 'haters' - haha!

expatinscotland · 01/03/2016 17:50

Well, yes, now, but maybe the sister is just sick of it all. Maybe the OP has always been a bridezilla sort and she's had enough.

Wombatinabathhat · 01/03/2016 17:53

It seems the 'bride' is not returning to her thread anyway.

eaudeparfumpooie · 01/03/2016 17:54

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
Not everyone idea of a good time, some people find the idea of nightmare

She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids

Again not fun if you are not into that sort of thing, and she can try it on separately, you can have a sister moment .

She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids

Again sounds horrid if you are not into it, and not totally necessary.

She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion

You must have her number.

The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit"

Clearly doesn't like the fussing about,

She will be your sister for a lifetime, most of the others you will lose contact with, she clearly working within her limits, enjoy her for the person she is, not expect her to be the person you want her to be.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:56

Yeah, maybe.

When it's the sister's wedding - or there's something big going on in her life that she would like support/help/enthusiasm for and about - she can ask OP to do things she wouldn't normally do. If she needs/wants to.

Doing even a couple of things on the list would be an improvement on nothing.

nowyoucmo · 01/03/2016 17:58

"not in to" what? fun? being helpful? being where you need to be (the venue could be miles away for all we know) on one of the most important days of someone you love's life?

Jesus wept!

Good luck OP wherever you are x

diddl · 01/03/2016 18:00

I do agree that her not going to the hen do must seem hurtful.

The other stuff I can understand & do think it's the sort of thing that it's great if Op & others want to do it & equally fine for someone to decline.

i do wonder if the dress thing she'd rather do as sisters than as one of the Bmaids?

Binders1 · 01/03/2016 18:11

You are obviously excited about your wedding and as your sister, she should be too but your list of requirements sound OTT. Either you are not close to your sister to not know why she doesn't want to get so involved with these things or you need to genuinely ask her.

However, apart from not wanting her hair done on the day (are you wanting them all to have the same style or something?) I really don't see a problem with her not wanting to do everything else on your list. So long as she tries the dress, it fits - and what's wrong with her just trying it on with you there?

Don't know why it's necessary for everyone else to have her mobile number or why you have to travel to her house; you can call, text, sending a photo, email. Not everyone is into facebook and whatsapp which is just 24/7 wedding talk. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid and someone else said, she is more than that, she is your sister.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 18:12

Hen dos and groups chats are not everyone's ideas of fun.

Can't understand why anyone would accept to be a BM if includes months of expense and expectations.

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