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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accuse nanny of being a thief?

267 replies

inanannypickle · 29/02/2016 15:29

Nanny started with us 9 months ago. DD and DS absolutely adore her and will be devastated if we have to let her go. She is very good with them and helpful around the house etc. She is live in.

About six weeks after her starting we also got a new cleaner. About 3 weeks after the cleaner starting (so about 7 months ago) some money went missing out of my nightstand- £200 to be precise. DD and DS are too young to take it, DH wouldn't so after searching high and low for it for 2 days both DH and I had a sit down with our nanny and cleaner and explained we weren't angry and we were both willing to giving them another chance if the money was returned there and then. Both protested their innocence but cleaner texted me the next day saying she was quitting so we put it down to a guilty conscience and let it go.

Nanny has also been babysitting for a friend of ours once a week. Last week she contacted me to say £50 had gone missing out of her handbag while nanny was there and that she needed to have a word with her about it. So I sent Nanny round who protested her innocence to her and while friend said she would be unable to offer her anymore work decided to let it go. I didn't mention about the £200.

Anyway- I went in my bag this morning to look for our household bank card. I hardly ever use it. Bank details are stored online for our grocery shopping and bills come out by direct debit. I think I last used it myself just before Christmas. Then remembered I gave Nanny the PIN number a few months ago when she was going out to do some last minute shopping before holiday.

Anyway I have contacted the bank who have said that there have been numerous cash withdrawals over the past few months- I have asked them to send me details to access my online banking but it sounds like over £1000 has been taken out of the account since November.

Have of course spoken to DP who hasn't done it.

AIBU to confront her?

OP posts:
doroph0ne · 01/03/2016 09:12

This reminds me a bit of Nigella Lawson/Charles Saatchi and the court case against their staff - the Grillo sisters - that also featured use/misuse of a credit card, large sums of cash lying around the house etc

It didn't seem to go too well for Nigella and Saatchi whose personal lives were subject to intense scrutiny/exposure so can understand why you might be reluctant to prosecute

Agree with the PP saying see what else might have gone missing Sad

AnthonyPandy · 01/03/2016 09:15

You do know that she only stole from you because another family failed to prosecute when she stole from them? How does that make you feel?

For the sake of her next family who may not be wealthy and cannot afford these losses, please prosecute.

BEJ78 · 01/03/2016 09:19

I worked as a fully qualified Nanny for 15 years and many of my employers gave me their card and PIN at some time.
As one said to me, "you are looking after and caring for my most precious things in the world, if i didn't trust you 100% then i couldn't walk out of the door every morning"
You work in these peoples houses, you see EVERYTHING that goes on in their lives, but as a professional you have standards and pride in your work. You also appreciate that these families welcome you to work in their home and trust you.
My point is, don't shout at the OP for giving out her PIN, the Nanny should be trusted as if she were a member of the family, otherwise why would you leave your children with her? She trusted her and it's just a real shame that the Nanny has let herself and her employers down down by being an asshole.
I hope this doesn't put the OP off having a Nanny again.

Roussette · 01/03/2016 09:20

How sad. I would feel violated too, in that the person I trusted my DC with could do this to our family. Awful two faced nasty woman who inveigled her way into your home OP, just to fleece you. (sorry that isn't helping.)

As for taking it to the Police, giving out your PIN to her will make it a very very weak case. I would not give my PIN to anyone.

My advice to you - if you have people in your house - nanny/cleaner etc. Just get a safe. Keep some cash in it. You can pay her for any extras from the cash when needed and you are not putting temptation in someone's way. I have a safe, they don't cost much but sometimes people are in the house here and it means I don't have to worry.

As for anyone who has berated you for not noticing the money going missing - that is just nasty. Not everyone operates bank accounts in the same way. Some people have small businesses with money going in and out all the time and it wouldn't necessarily be noticed. I sometimes don't check my bank account for weeks.

I loved the pp who suggested turning over her room like the FBI would. I watched a film on Sunday where that happened and can tip you off what to do Grin

Longislandicetee · 01/03/2016 09:25

Poor you OP. I have had someone steal from me before in my home and I felt violated. I also didn't notice for a while. It doesn't mean I deserved it. Hmm. I also keep £200 in my bedside table for emergencies. It's perfectly normal and I don't expect anyone to steal it.

My dcs had the same nanny for 6 years. They couldn't be any closer to that nanny and I thought the world would end when she quit as she was moving away from the area. It was really tough for a few months but then it was absolutely fine and they moved on. It's also good for them to know that sometimes things change.

With my nanny, I transfer money into her account each month, separately to her salary. She keeps an expenses book to tell me how the money is spent so there is no confusion. That way there is no giving of PIN numbers etc.

I feel for you. All the total arseholes coming on the thread to give you a kicking should remember that you're a victim of crime who has been violated in your own home. Good luck.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/03/2016 09:29

BEJ78 - Banks say you shouldn't tell ANYONE your PIN number. I would no more give my PIN to my own child than I would a nanny. You may put a lot of trust in a nanny but trusting an employee to the same extent as a close family member? Absolutely not. And actually, in your shoes, I would decline to have my employer's PIN number in case something ever went wrong.

firesidechat · 01/03/2016 09:34

I'm astonished that people give away their pin numbers and cards so lightly. If the bank get to hear about it it could invalidate all protection that the bank usually provides.

I don't know my husband's pin and he doesn't know mine.

FeralBeryl · 01/03/2016 09:40

How sad for your kids Sad
I 'sort of' understand you wanting to brush the whole thing under the carpet, BUT, this wasn't a one off / desperate times needing cash that she'd seen lying around / opportunity once crime.
This girl has obviously rifled through your private areas, allowed another human being the indignity of being accused without batting an eyelid, and over a prolonged period of time, stolen repeatedly from your family.
Would you really be at peace morally letting this happen to another family? To other kids to be left heartbroken again?
The only, and I mean only thing that may prevent me is if she was from an agency so she could be blacklisted, and inform other agencies too.
Awful situation though Flowers

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/03/2016 09:40

As for taking it to the Police, giving out your PIN to her will make it a very very weak case.

No, it absolutely won't. Giving someone your PIN on one occasion doesn't imply permission to raid their bank account whenever you feel like it, and it is in any event irrelevant to the cash thefts. Plus, she's told the police she stole.

needastrongone · 01/03/2016 09:42

Agreed Blingey. My car was broken into last year. I had stupidly left my bag in it while I walked the dogs, although it was hidden. I told the policeman how stupid I felt, he replied that, even if it had been on the front seat with the purse on view, it doesn't give anybody the right to steal it.

Loqo · 01/03/2016 09:47

I wonder if the police could have at least issued a caution?

VeganCow · 01/03/2016 09:48

Its not about the nanny being given the PIN- its about the nanny being a thief. It could be cash, objects, whatever.

GloGirl · 01/03/2016 09:51

You're just sending her off to be someone else's problem! Shock

Cindy34 · 01/03/2016 09:52

Reference - if you have dismissed your nanny for theft, thus gross misconduct, you can write that in a reference or tell someone who calls for a reference. It is a statement of fact. It is best to give your nanny a written statement for the reasons for their dismissal, so they know that if they use you as a reference that you will bring those reasons up with anyone who contacts you. They would be foolish to use you as a reference but they then have to explain the gap in employment to future employers.

Do talk to your payroll provider and get a forwarding address from your nanny so you can send them the paperwork terminating their employment, for example the P45.

Up to police to decide to take the case to CPS for a decision on if a prosecution is in the public interest. The police might issue the nanny with a caution, that would be on file and show in a DBS check. Given the admission of guilt, it would be a shame if it did not go on file somewhere so that future employers could know about it.

What would drive a nanny to do this? Nannies are in a trusted position, caring for not just the children but their employers home and property. Action like this does not show nannies in a positive light, this person has given nannies a bad name which may result in parents deciding against having a nanny in future. One bad apple can tarnish all in the bowl.

Does there need to be more control over who works with children in trusted position? Government don't want to regulate what happens in a private home but without some sort of licensing scheme, anyone can be a nanny and any offence they admit to does not get logged anywhere.

laurierf · 01/03/2016 09:56

If you admit something to the police - as the nanny has done - you can receive a caution which should appear on a DBS check.

shamonts · 01/03/2016 09:56

How bizarre.

Didn't the police want to prosecute?

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 09:58

I don't think I'd leave my babies full time with anyone I couldn't trust with my pin number.
If someone steals from you, its not your fault for trusting them, its theirs for being a thief!

shamonts · 01/03/2016 10:01

I wouldn't feel sad for the children either. I'd feel awful I'd left them for so long with someone who clearly has no respect or liking for them and their family.

Only1scoop · 01/03/2016 10:04

Callous bitch watched the cleaner leave aswell.

You have done you're DC a massive favour.

Wonder what else she was up to?

ClarkL · 01/03/2016 10:10

I don't see what is to be had by pursuing through the police - the outcome wont affect the OP because they are very unlikely to get their money back and acknowledge it may cause them stress, Yes the nanny may go and do it again, but she will need references which can be refused and that speaks volumes.

As for not giving the nanny the pin, I have had countless company credit cards and a nanny is essentially an employee. I would recommend for the future setting up a separate current account for the nanny with a £100 float in for those essentials she might need to get, that way it can be monitored and if she needs larger purchases like uniforms more can be transferred in thus preventing the situation happening again.

Life is about learning lessons not berating ourselves for things that go wrong

pocketsaviour · 01/03/2016 10:17

I don't think I'd leave my babies full time with anyone I couldn't trust with my pin number.

I think there's a pretty big moral difference between nicking cash and abusing/neglecting a child.

The solution though is to have a specific account for the nanny's use only, pr a pre-loaded debit card which can be topped up at any time. If you give your PIN to a third party, you'll invalidate your protection in the event of theft.

ActLikeYouKnow · 01/03/2016 10:18

Just for my own knowledge, how can you fire someone, on the grounds of gross misconduct, if all you have is proof of CCTV footage?

I ask because the said person could claim the money was for the children etc, and that you allowed the withdrawrals. What's more, surely it is just their word against yours again, because the said person shouldn't really have your pin anyway?

Just interested. Of course this no longer applies to the OP Smile

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 10:19

I think there's a pretty big moral difference between nicking cash and abusing/neglecting a child

Nobody mentioned abusing or neglecting a child though, did they? It's fairly obvious though that a nanny who steals from employers is not a good nanny, or a good person.

ActLikeYouKnow · 01/03/2016 10:23

I would never want to be stolen from, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't really worry about leaving young children with her as such. She is a thief, not a sexual offender. Huge moral difference, as pocketsaviour rightly said.

Not that I wouldn't fire a Nanny that was a thief, but I wouldn't have fired her based on the fact I didn't think my children were safe with her.

ActLikeYouKnow · 01/03/2016 10:25

Ziggy a person who steals may have questionable morals, but to say their not a good person seems a little extreme to me.

People steal for all sorts of reasons, and most are a compulsive issue. And of course, that doesn't make what they are doing acceptable - but I don't think it makes them a bad person either.