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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want the kids to stay with me on my days

141 replies

passmetheremote · 20/02/2016 11:08

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

OP posts:

UndramaticPause · 20/02/2016 11:10

It is your ex's responsibility to maintain contact with his family imo so yanbu to expect your children to stay with you and your family on your contact days

VimFuego101 · 20/02/2016 11:11

I could see her point if your ex rarely had the kids. But he has them 3 nights a week, that's plenty of time for him to take them to see his parents.

LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 20/02/2016 11:11

Seems fair enough to me. Presumably your parents will see them on days they're with you so you shouldn't have do all the GP visits.

GloopyGhoul · 20/02/2016 11:12

YANBU. Stick to your guns (is that the right phrase?) because if you give in once, the pressure will increase to do it again.

It's probably more about control in some way than anything else. A brief, polite, "It's best for everyone if you arrange with XH a time to see the children."
"But, reasons, blah blah..."
"It's best for everyone to arrange with XH."
And repeat.

FranHastings · 20/02/2016 11:13

I agree with you. He sorts that out with his own parent on his days.

petalsandstars · 20/02/2016 11:13

Yup ^^ what Lucy said

fuzzywuzzy · 20/02/2016 11:16

Each time she texts respond arrange with ex and then switch your phone off.
No need to give her reasons or excuses.

She does sound like she's trying to be controlling

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2016 11:16

I think you need to do what's best for the kids, whenever the situation arises.

That might mean mixing it up a bit so that it falls on either your time or his.

It's hard to write these things in stone, especially as the older kids get, the more activities they get invited to outside of the family.

Flexibility is normally the fairest option for them.

MrsH1989 · 20/02/2016 11:17

I agree - Inlaws are his responsibility and your parents are yours.

LizzieMacQueen · 20/02/2016 11:19

Surely one of the positives of having an 'ex' is that the parents in law become 'exes' too. Refer all queries back to their son.

MajesticWhine · 20/02/2016 11:19

In an ideal world and with due consideration on both sides you could probably be a bit flexible on this. But the situation is all fairly new and mil shouldn't be bothering you about it. Is your h not letting them see his parents?

LagunaBubbles · 20/02/2016 11:21

I agree with Worra, flexibility is probably what is going to be needed.

ohforfoxsake · 20/02/2016 11:25

I think you are absolutely right.

However, I wonder if you MIL is sacred she might lose contact? Has her son let her down too by walking out? I think you have to maintain a relationship at the very least, but she needs to work out contact through her son.

Fairylea · 20/02/2016 11:27

You are right. Long term it is best as well.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2016 11:28

OP how old are the kids and what reason has your MIL given, for wanting the kids on your contact days, rather than your ex's?

Is it that she's unable to see them on his days, due to work or something?

Enkopkaffetak · 20/02/2016 11:30

You have the children 4 days a week and your dh has them 3 days a week. Does Dh's days fall over weekends or is it always midweek?

I don't think that the children's relationship with their grandparents should suffer due to divorce. If there was a pattern established prior of once every 2 months I would suggest that the dates with MIl (and FIL afternoons too) is arranged on a schedule set up a google calender for the children that you and xdh put in things like dentist and school arrangements then add MIL weekends if it falls on your time then you take them if it falls on dh's then he takes them. Same with FIL set it in as you can have them on (for example) the 15th every month.

IF mil or FIL cant do those days then they renegotiate with your dh not you.

NO you didn't ask not to have your children with you every day, however nor did your children ask to not have their grandparents in their lives. Once every 2 months is a lot more than many grand children ever get so I think they are interested in their grandchildren.

I have to go against the grain here and say YABU because you are punishing your children in this.. by hindering a relationship with their grandparents.

Ameliablue · 20/02/2016 11:33

If it isn't possible for your in law's to see your children on the days your ex has then you should work together to find a solution, maybe you have them on his days one week and then they go to in law's on what would have been your days. If you don't try to find a solution, it will be your children who will suffer not having a relationship with their grandparents.

OurBlanche · 20/02/2016 11:34

YABU because you are punishing your children in this.. by hindering a relationship with their grandparents. erm... so, does that absolve her ex from all responsibility then?

Nice message to give: hey, mum, our time with your kids is not worth as much as his time, or that of his family. Woman up and buckle under.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 20/02/2016 11:35

Has she said why seeing the kids on his days is a problem? Is he refusing?

I agree with you in principle. As he has them 3/7 days he has plenty of opportunity to take them to see his parents and it shouldn't fall to you. Especially this soon after the split. Flexibility comes later when you and he are in a better place. If she and the kids aren't particularly close anyway, you're not doing anything detrimental.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2016 11:37

Given that the OP hasn't told us the kids' ages or why the MIL wants them on her contact days, I can't see how anyone can help really.

deregistered · 20/02/2016 11:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Is he the kind of man who doesn't answer phone messages, does he not do arrangements - leaving that to women?

The only thing is if MIL can only see them on 'your' days. But even so I don't think you have to let her see them more than once in a while on your days.

Can you talk to your ex about this or are you not amicable?

Enkopkaffetak · 20/02/2016 11:39

if you read my post then I suggest that days are set and it makes no difference between if dad has them or mum. As the responsibility to keep a good and healthy relationship for their children lies with both parents.

Means sometimes we have to suck it up.

I am a child of divorced parents neither me (living with our mother) or my brother (living with our dad) missed out on a relationship with our grandparents because both my parents were big enough to ensure that relationship remained and negotatied and spoke with both grandparents to ensure that the children didn;t suffer. I think OP has to do this here as much as her stb x does. Hence I am suggesting a set time so it may go with both of them

All of this also depends on if x ever has them at the weekend or not. as if he doesn't then with schooling frankly I can see some reluctance to take them. We are after all here talking one night every 2 months.. What will op do when children want to go for sleep overs with friends? Say no as it is " my" weekend?

NellyTimes · 20/02/2016 11:42

Would he give up his days with them if your parents or family wanted to see on those days? I bet I can guess..

Stand your ground, you are absolutely right on this one and you mustn't let him or his mother convince you otherwise.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 20/02/2016 11:42

his problem to sort.

I do sort a bit out with ex inlaws. but that is becasue I have them all the time and ex is crap at this sort of stuff.

Original poster

passmetheremote · 20/02/2016 11:43

Thanks for the responses, I think she's just trying to take some control over the situation.

Ironically her and dh don't have a great relationship as she walked out on his dad the same way with no prior warning causing a lot of upset (although waited until her dc were grown) so he wouldn't just pop over with the children on a friendly visit.

Our children are 3,5 and 7.

She was never that interested in the children before dh left. It was always on her terms when she saw them so I don't understand her 'desperately missing them.'
Dh has them on a mix of days so it's not as if she couldn't arrange with him for a mutually convenient time.

OP posts:

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