To want the kids to stay with me on my days

[passmetheremote]

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

I don't understand, is XH not in contact with PILS? Why are they not allowed to see them when he has them?

If he is blocking them from seeing DC I would want to know why. If they are free to see DC when he has them then that is what should happen. I cannot see why OP should lose some of her valuable time with DC to facilitate contact with PILS when that is XH responsibility.

has your ex said why he thinks it should come out of your contact time. ?
Is it because you have every weekend ?
However you have virtually 50:50 if it's 3 days out of 7 so it could be because he feels he has less days than you anyway,
So you could say that one day per fortnight out if your time could be grandparent day and be allocated to a grandparent in turn - on both sides assuming your parents are around.
Its more difficult as your ex pils are separated so effectively will want time individually but I would say that's for your ex to manage.

I suspect mil keeps asking me as dh isn't very forthcoming with arranging something so she not hearing back from him and then texting me.
Dh thinks iabu as he thinks I should've glad of the break when his mum has them.

Practically speaking OP, as you've said that the 3/7 arrangement is arranged around your ex's work, not yours, do you actually end up working on some of your 4/7 days whereas all 3 of his days are actually 'free' days? How does school slot into this? How many days do you actually get that you can spend with your kids and how would facilitating contact with his parents eat into that?

Dh thinks iabu as he thinks I should've glad of the break when his mum has them.

But he doesn't think he should be glad of the break if his mum has them during his contact time?

No - they are taking the piss. Just keep batting her back to him and let them sort it out.

Wow I'm quite angry for you! So basically (as I suspected) he doesn't reply or engage with her about arrangements so it falls to you and you are guilt tripped by both MIL and ex? Fuck that.

I'd keep forwarding her messages to h and telling him every time 'please can you make arrangements with your mum re the kids'.

If it comes to a head just keep calm, say to MIL you are glad she wants to see them and you have nothing against her but feel her arrangements should now generally be with her son. It's perfectly reasonable.

I would have thought that as this arrangement is quite new it would be more beneficial to your DCs to get used to this arrangement properly before mil and fil throw further disarray in. If I were you I'd be pointing out to him that you're already being very flexible working around his job. Maybe in future further flexibility can come in but right now I'd guess it's all too new and raw. The fact is he walked out on you, he doesn't get to leave the shit he doesn't want to deal with at your doorstep anymore. Good luck

I agree with you. I think you're right and while it would be fine to be flexible as a one off, it makes much more sense for the DC to see their family on his side when they are with him.

I suspect mil keeps asking me as dh isn't very forthcoming with arranging something so she not hearing back from him and then texting me.

There's your solution-don't reply to her, just like he does!

YANBU at all.

However, occasionally it may need to be done just to keep things ticking over. Of course, he left, so I can understand your reluctance but from your childrens' perspective, who left their parents' marriage isn't important or relevant. As adults they will draw their own conclusions. Right now, as children, they need to maintain healthy relationships. Life really is much more pleasant for all, and very importantly will be for you, if you try as much as you can to not set finer details in stone.

Your new found family dynamic is still in its very early stages but in time you may find the odd occasion when the children are at their paternal grandparents is a little well earned freedom for you.

Sounds like DH and MIL are trying to exert some control over you. Your DH has them 3 nights a week which is more than enough time to sort out visits to his mother once every couple of months. He should be glad of the break .

Not your circus, not your monkeys OP. This does not sound like a good healthy relationship with H and MIL. Keep batting it back.

I think that given your DH has them on a mix of days, the days should definitely fall more on his time then.

But it's important to remember that as the kids get older, everyone needs to be flexible to accommodate their social lives.

WRT missing the kids, it's probably more that your MIL is shocked about the break up, and now views everything a bit differently.

But 'who walked out on who' isn't really something young kids tend to worry about. They're normally more interested (understandably) in how it will affect them.

When I say she views things differently, I mean she's probably also feeling insecure in her 'position' if that makes sense.

Standard contact should be arranged by your ex with his mother.
If he or she disagree with this perhaps get your parents to start contacting your ex asking to see the kids on his days? Might make him see how ridiculous he is being in his expectation that you continue to liase with his family for him.
He left you, that means he can get some other mug to do his wife work for him or bloody do it himself

However I agree with previous posters that you do need to be flexible in the years going forward, so for example if there is a big family event on his side but it falls on your days, perhaps make it clear you would be willing to facilitate that so your kids can spend time with gps, as others said you want to do what's best for the children.

I came on here to say yadnbu, but actually I think Worra has a point. It should be about whatever works best for the kids.

Yes I do have to work on some days when I have the kids.
So I'm already losing some time with them.

Dh has the kids on his days off so has all his time with them.

His days are a mix so not always on a weekend.

I just feel like I'm being doubly punished so to speak as I already have to be without the kids three days a week, then lose time with them when I have to work and now mil is on my back because dh doesn't communicate.

He's obviously a selfish idiot to walk out on three children anyway, it's all about him and what suits him best at the minute.

I think contact should be arranged with h and his parents. It's up to him. I don't really arranged contact with my DHs parents - it's up to him to suggest it - might mention did he want to see them, and we are happily married. I just don't see it as my responsibility.

So not sure why you'd feel it was your responsibility to facilitate in that way.

YANBU. You're already arranging childcare to suit him rather than you, he can sort it out with his mum. I suspect she's just gone into panic mode that she'll lose her grandchildren now that you've separated but that's really not your problem. Just keep referring her back to your ex.

You might not wish to retain any communication with his parents. It's his problem not yours.

I've been very flexible already with him regarding seeing the children. I have given him extra days when it's suited him, changed days last minute when he's had to work. I've arranged play dates around his times.
I've rearranged dds birthday plans so he could have more time with her on her birthday.
He doesn't return the favour with me.

I agree with others that the kids are of paramount importance and you mustn't let your anger and resentment filter through to them or stop them seeing family.

BUT you are right - you didn't choose to only see them three days a week and these days are precious so you don't have to forfeit the time to accommodate your ex MIL.

Be resolute and let him deal with her - you are not being petty. He needs to man up. If he doesn't keep batting her back to him.

I'm going to put my foot down then and keep telling her to arrange with dh politely but firmly.

It really should benefit the children. Yes. But if exH does not want a relationship with his mother perhaps it's MORE important to defer to what he wants to organise.

You are in a position to make it clear you do not wish to challenge his parenting decision on this - as that in itself might create an issue for your children whilst thry are too young to decide for themselves.

I have completely 'shoved' all expil time over to being exh's responsibility. It was stilted at first but as he has become reliable I have become more flexible. It's still him that will arrange with me for dc to spend a day/ weekend at his family things (sometimes he can't attend due to work). All of that happy families has come about from strong boundaries though. The PIL had to be pushed away for my sake but also because the message (poor abandoned dc oh woe etc) my dc got from expil had to stop.

You aren't stopping them seeing his parents.

You are only asking them to be hosted, organised, facilitated by your DH.

My ex is/was actually grateful that I took a strong stand. His parents had failed to treat him (or me) as parents who could mske decisions. My insistence has weirdly improved his being seen as an adult (some of the time) by his own parents.
I hope that benefits my children's relationships as well. Boundaries are important to them when quite young.