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AIBU?

To want the kids to stay with me on my days

141 replies

passmetheremote · 20/02/2016 11:08

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

OP posts:

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Bullshitbingo · 20/02/2016 12:20

You've said that your exh's relationship with his mother is not great. From another angle, would it be wise to undermine him and nurture a relationship with her when he is clearly not doing so?

Ok, it may be that he's just lazy and can't be bothered to get back to her so she's coming to you. But - perhaps this is a deliberate choice on his part, who knows? I'm not saying that would be right, just underlining that this is why it really is his responsibility to facilitate contact with his wider family.

Imagine it the other way round, him taking the kids to see a family member of yours that you were trying to reduce contact with for example?

Headofthehive55 · 20/02/2016 12:21

It was his choice to do this, splitting affects everyone, pils included. He has made his bed....

abbsismyhero · 20/02/2016 12:21

so you have to work some of "your" days ex does not (as its all about him right?) im assuming you see your family on your days too taking time out of you seeing your kids to see your family and now your expected to hand them over to his family?

no just no

Aworldofmyown · 20/02/2016 12:22

I would also be honest with her. You have gone from seeing your children every day to losing them 3 days a week, you miss them terribly so unfortunately your decision will not be changing.

OhYouLuckyDuck · 20/02/2016 12:23

YANBU, it's up to him to take the children to see his parents when they are with him.

AmysTiara · 20/02/2016 12:27

You are right. They sound like theyare both trying to control you.

NNalreadyinuse · 20/02/2016 12:38

I would also stop working out his access days solely around his work. He chose to leave - the world shouldn't revolve around his convenience.

Agree with majority - his parents, his responsibility. If his mum is unhappy perhaps she ought to take some responsibility for having raised a man who thinks it is okay to just leave his family, around Christmas of all times and who is too selfish to ensure his dc see his parents!

I suspect though, that this is less about him being unwilling to facilitate contact with them and more about putting you in your place and expecting you to bend over backwards to accommodate everyone else.

DinosaursRoar · 20/02/2016 12:45

I agree you shouldn't be arranging access around what gives the best time and relationship with the DCs for him at the cost of your relationship with them. You sound like you've been trying so hard to be fair to your exH (noticed you still call him 'DH' not 'exH' or just 'H'), as he's not trying to be fair to you, you are the one losing out and this has just highlighted the issue.

I think it's time to be blunt with MIL - it's not your job to make sure the children have a relationship with her, it's her DSs, if he doesn't want to do that, then she needs to take it up with him.

abbsismyhero · 20/02/2016 12:46

the children should have regular contact that suits them

IdentityRequest1 · 20/02/2016 12:46

So he gets them on his days off, you still have to work on some of your days?
It sounds like you're being pretty accommodating, and flexible so far. Without question I'd make your position very clear that he was to facilitate contact with his family, and keep referring them back to him. I assume if your parents are wanting to visit then that's for you to sort?

If, as Worra says, when the kids get older you may need to be more flexible, but whilst everything is still fairly new, be firm and don't allow the world to revolve around your ex's convenience.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2016 12:47

He's obviously a selfish idiot to walk out on three children anyway, it's all about him and what suits him best at the minute.

I know everything must still feel raw at the moment, but splitting up because a marriage isn't working (or at least one person no longer wants to be in it), is not necessarily selfish.

Sometimes it's actually better for all concerned, but obviously you won't feel like that now, as it's all quite new. But one day you may look back and see it was the best thing, especially for the kids.

Stay strong regarding contact and make it clear that it has to suit everyone and not just your ex and his Mum.

bakeoffcake · 20/02/2016 12:48

I'm sorry your H walked out on you and the dc

This is still a new situation, for all of you. I expect the MIL is worried she may lose contact with the DC. (She has no legal rights)

If I were you I'd text her something along the lines of "this is a new situation for all of us. At the moment, I'm not willing to let the DC come to you on my days. If you want to see the DC, please contact your son, please don't text me again about contact"

abbsismyhero · 20/02/2016 12:49

sorry a bit short there i mean suits them not just suits one parent i think if it were me i would go for a eow one day in week fairly standard means he gets them when he is working and so do you childcare then becomes an issue for both of you not just one of you and the chances of him ringing his mammy to help out go up she gets to see them its a win win

Borninthe60s · 20/02/2016 12:51

YANBU. When she texts saying she misses them, reply and say I k ow how you feel, I am still coming to terms with not spending every day with my children due to a decision your son made!

JizzyStradlin · 20/02/2016 12:52

Agree XDH shouldn't have the luxury of having his days fit round work while yours don't. However, once this is equalised, if he refuses to facilitate a relationship between his DM and the kids, I think if you judge it to be in their interests to have contact with her, you should sort it. On your time if needs be. Doesn't have to be loads, all that often or all of them at once. If you don't feel that seeing her will be beneficial, don't. It's not fair, of course, but if it's the best thing for them it's what you need to do.

Sighing · 20/02/2016 12:52

And as for your days. They are yours. Don't accept paying for childcare/ flexing your work if he's not doing any of that. The maximum attention from each parent is surely ideal for dc?

MsMarvel · 20/02/2016 12:53

Stand your ground with this. Dp sees his dd at weekends, and has to make sure his extended family get to see her in the limited time he has with her. Its dificult, but thats the situation.

His ex's family have on occasion contacted him asking to get dsd back early, eg saturday rather than Sunday because they dont get to see her much. Dp is polite but stands his ground that if yhey are not seeing dsd as much as they want, they need to take it up with the ex, and if weekends are the only time they can see her then its an issue to raise with dsd's mum who made this the contact agreement.

Wolpertinger · 20/02/2016 12:55

YANBU. When she texts saying she misses them, reply and say I k ow how you feel, I am still coming to terms with not spending every day with my children due to a decision your son made!

This, a million times.

And stop referring to him as DH in your posts! At best he's a STBEXH. It's his responsibility to sort out contact with his parents, not your fault he's shit at it. If you like MIL and think she is good with the kids you could give contact on your days but it has to be proportionate. FIL's contact should definitely be on DH's days.

These are the consequences of splitting up!

SongOfTheLark · 20/02/2016 12:55

YANBU totally fair. He has 3 days a week to take them to see his parents. I'd keep repeating that to him and his parents calmly, broken record style whenever they bring it up.

rollonthesummer · 20/02/2016 13:10

YANBU. When she texts saying she misses them, reply and say I k ow how you feel, I am still coming to terms with not spending every day with my children due to a decision your son made!

This X 1000. I'd love to know what she would reply to this!

passmetheremote · 20/02/2016 13:18

Thanks all, yes maybe i have been too accommodating?
It's still early days, I'm still very raw. I think I have tried to be overly flexible because I feel so guilty for the children that their having to go through this and also that if I gave him what he wanted then he might come back. Stupid I know.

He won't take leave to have the children when I'm working, he never has done. I work nights so it was either I take leave, swap my shift or just stay up without sleep.

His work is his number 1, I know that. So I'm being very flexible to ensure the children have as much time as possible with him.

It's just awful having his mum texting and me declining and then him texting and asking what my problem is as it would be giving me a break.

In reality is love to smash his head in, but that can't happen can it

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2016 13:23

I agree with Borns text. And if STBX texts saying 'what's your problem etc etc' I'd reply with "I only have my children 4 days a week thanks to you . I neither want nor need a 'break' from them.

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Arfarfanarf · 20/02/2016 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EweAreHere · 20/02/2016 13:38

YANBU.

Tell her she needs to make arrangements to see them with her son. Tell her that if there are any special events (parties where extended family grown ups are being invited) you'll reach out. But, other than that, you won't be discussing the issue with her again. Then don't. If she tries, tell her you're going now and hang up/go.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Stand your ground.

EweAreHere · 20/02/2016 13:45

And maybe I'm just cynical, but he has clearly prioritized himself and his schedule after walking about without any warning, and you've bent over backwards to accommodate him. He may be setting you up to lose primary custody ... it's all about his schedule, his days off he has the kids, you work on days you have the kids ... he can argue he spends more time with them and is the primary carer if things turn nasty.

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