To want the kids to stay with me on my days

[passmetheremote]

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Yes, I think you may have been too accommodating . You have been thinking of the children, he has been thinking about himself. But, to keep the children at the centre, I actually think you need to start being less accommodating. I think that stability is very important to their welfare. They had stability before, less so now.

Partly, you thought "that if I gave him what he wanted then he might come back." You know now that he won't, so you need to shift your focus to providing stability for your children. Stability does NOT involve changing days "last minute when he's had to work". It does not involve rearranging anything your children are looking forward to just to suit him. And it probably doesn't involve the days of the week they are with dad being a moving target either. While you may be able to get away with that whilst they are young, as they get older and want to take part in clubs, do sleepovers, have a say in their own lives; less so. Everything has to suit the children first, parents second. He needs to accept that, I think you already do.

It may be time to sit down and look at both of your work schedules and see what can be done. And no, his work schedule does not take precedence over yours. There has to be compromise on both sides, for the sake of the children. If he insists it all has to work around him, then he is declaring his priorities. When it comes to divorcing, I doubt very much that a judge would agree wholeheartedly with him. He needs to put his children's needs before himself.

As for your MIL/PIL - pre-split levels of involvement is all I would accommodate. I think I'd use rollonthesummer's text response TBH. She doesn't get to call the shots here. Likewise, AcrossthePond55's text response to your STBX would be appropriate. If he doesn't want you to be his wife, he has no right to expect wifework from you. (Sorry, that may still stin.)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

stin=sting

[JizzyStradlin]

That's a good point eve makes. If you think he might try to argue he's the primary carer, it would be wise to make sure you're the one spending more time with them. Which is another reason why he shouldn't be able to have all his contact on non-working days when that's not a luxury open to you.

[deregistered]

I feel so bad for you OP . Your ex is a selfish man. I do hope you can resolve this by repeating the same, reasonable response over and over until she and he get it

[Fatmomma99]

Sorry that things are so hard. Your ex sounds like an arse.

I couldn't help but wonder if his mum wanted to form a relationship with you and your DC separate from him because their relationship is awkward? Is if definitely about control? Just wondered.

[ClarenceTheLion]

You let your ex have the dc's on his days off, even when that negatively impacts on your time with them, and he calls YOU unreasonable for not arranging visits with his family during that time?

Your exMIL is probably panicking now that the family is split, whereas she was complacent before. But that's not your problem. You don't have to be in contact with her at all. Tell her that if she harasses you over the phone again, you'll block her. He has three free days a week to take them on visits. You don't have that luxury... That issue is not about you at all, and you need to explain that to your ex and your exMIL once and tell them you won't discuss it again.

To me the bigger issue here is the fact that he gets residence days whenever they suit him. That can't be court ordered, because courts are usually fairer than that. Currently he gets three full days a week with them. If I were you, I'd sit and down and work out what would give each of you equal free time with them, then implement that.

[deregistered]

MIL probably panicking re access because she knows her son's a dick.

When he was with OP, presumably OP did all the arranging to see her. Now she knows it will be harder and less regular if left to him.

Maybe she also knows something you don't to be honest, OP...

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Can't believe your ex is asking what your problem is!

What Arf said is perfect:

Your son and I are no longer a couple. I also have parents who want to see their grandchildren. I arrange with my parents to see their grandchildren during the time they are with me and it is for your son to arrange the same with his parents. I am sure you will agree that is the most reasonable arrangement. There is no point contacting me about this again, please take it up with your son.

As for you working round his work schedule. I think the days could be set (within reason, bar any special one off events or the kids' social lives). If he has to work on his days then that's when he has to find child care - this could be when his mother sees them.

[lunar1]

You have been far too accommodating regarding his work, his job is no more important that yours. His time with the children is not more important than yours.

I'd say to mil that for regular visits she needs to speak to her son but if there is anything special on your time that would be OK if you don't have prior plans.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

I'd be pushing for a formalised contact arrangement as part of your divorce, and telling him to work around his children like a grown up.

What a fucking knobrash he is.

[Wolpertinger]

Again totally agree. No contact agreement would expect him to have all the fun time and you all the shit time. I think you need to get yourself a solicitor.

[passmetheremote]

I have got myself a solicitor (he hasn't as he doesn't deem it necessary) I have a legal separation document being done right now.
I've also got myself a really good counsellor so hopefully I will regain some strength.

I realise I have been too accommodating, the thing is I know he would put work first. He always has done.
He wouldn't organise leave to have the children. He works shifts which are set so he can't change these.

I just want him to have a good relationship with his children and to me, sacrificing my time was and is worth it as I knew he wouldn't iyswim. So for their sake I want to do whatever I can right now to ensure they see him a reasonable amount. I initially said he could have them two nights a week, but he went mad and said it wasn't enough and I was punishing the children when it wasn't their fault. So I upped it to three nights, he then wasn't happy as the nights didn't fit in with his work schedule (not once mentioned mine) so he wouldn't be able to see the children those days. So eventually he made me feel really unreasonable that I was keeping him from the seeing the children on his days off and I relented.

I think a lot of it with him at the minute is him being determined to look like he's done right by me and the children (although I know the truth) so to everyone else it looks like we split up and he's a really good dad as he sees the children on his days off.

[petalsandstars]

I think you need to rethink this arrangement - it's too accommodating of him and not enough for you.

If in a week he has them 3 days, MIL has them another day and then you have them in childcare 2 days through no choice as you're working so actually see them for 1 day (when they might be at school) who looks like the primary carer then?

He doesn't accommodate your shifts so stop accommodating his. Work out something else to either work round both of your working hours or neither of them and utilise childcare to cover the gaps.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"the thing is I know he would put work first. He always has done."
That would be his choice. His priorities.

"I initially said he could have them two nights a week, but he went mad and said it wasn't enough and I was punishing the children when it wasn't their fault."
Then he's just going to have to put his money - or rather, time - where his mouth is. If he chooses to make it clear to his children that he values his work above them, so be it.

"So eventually he made me feel really unreasonable that I was keeping him from the seeing the children on his days off and I relented."
Well, you weren't being unreasonable, and he is keeping you from seeing your children on your days off. In what way is that more acceptable?

"I think a lot of it with him at the minute is him being determined to look like he's done right by me and the children (although I know the truth) so to everyone else it looks like we split up and he's a really good dad as he sees the children on his days off."
I agree, it's all for show. And don't you think the children will come to know that too? When they get dumped in front of the TV because how else is he to get 'me time' on his days off? So again, good reason to formalise a fair division of parenting time.

You were willing to be flexible and accommodating while it was all new and raw and you were, frankly, off-balance. He got to you when you were vulnerable and he wasn't. Well, time has now passed, the future is more foreseeable, and you need to set things in place for that future. That means a degree of certainty for the children as to when they see who, and a fair division of free time for the parents. He is not the boss of you. He can negotiate, but he cannot, cannot demand. (Well he can try, but you do not need to accede.)

[passmetheremote]

Because i work nights I can stay up on a weekend or sleep while their at school.
The in laws aren't having them on my days so I'm still the primary carer as I have them for four days and nights.

Some nights that I work might fall on his days off, some won't. It's just how the rota is.

I have seen a few solicitors and they have all said he would not be given 50/50 contact (which is what he wanted originally) or primary carer due to his job. He would have to use other childcare or family to do this which would be unreasonable as their mother (me) is willing to arrange work around the children.

He's a twat isn't he, the more I talk about what he's done and doing the more I realise it.

[passmetheremote]

I have to remain on good terms with him, as he has agreed to take his name off the mortgage so I can have the house. (Not a huge amount of equity but it's I a good location)
But I can't do this until July at this earliest as I won't have enough funds until then to be accepted for the mortgage on my own (sorry to drip feed)

[Wolpertinger]

He went mad is all about him isn't it? Think about one week night and every other weekend which is a pretty standard arrangement and take it from there.

After all, if he hadn't left, this wouldn't be a problem. At the moment he wants to have his cake and eat it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He's a twat isn't he, the more I talk about what he's done and doing the more I realise it."
And this is the urility of Mumsnet. You can talk here with people who are strangers and so you don't need to edit yourself to spare their feelings. You can rage and rant and say the things you can't say to friends and family for fear that it will forever colour their attitude to you. We are your sounding board .

[passmetheremote]

See the solicitors seemed to think I was being unreasonable just allowing him two nights and should do what's best for the childen.

Now I'm conflicted.

I do agree he negotiated hard at a vulnerable time for me (still is but less so)

I just wouldn't want the children to turn round to me in the future and say you only let us see dad for two nights a week and he wanted more.

I think ultimately his interest will wane, once he realises that three children are hard work and he has little time for himself he will want to re negotiate

[Birdsgottafly]

You haven't answered if your children would want to spend more time with MIL and if she would ever be a good relationship for them.

She seems to be very judged for ending her marriage.

I had parents who got caught up in their and each other's wants and subsequently I haven't got, or had, the relationship with my Nan, Aunts, Cousins etc that my older half Sister had and I still resent that (and made it clear to my Mother) at 47.

I'd say, give yourself breathing space, it's early days, but as the children grow, there's got to be flexibility.

Your Ex is a knob and as such, he can't be left in charge of what can be a very significant relationship, to your children, with their Grandmother.

As you both move on and get other partners, Grandparents can be the one thing, not changing and someone, outside of the situation to talk to.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

As to the mortgage - remember, "a lot of it with him at the minute is him being determined to look like he's done right by me and the children". Well, how would it look to his audience if he shafted you over the mortgage? If it looks like he might, use that knowledge.

[Inertia]

It's up to your ExH to arrange contact between the children and his family. If Mil asks you, just tell her that Ex has the children on X Y and Z days this week, she needs to contact him to sort a visit then.

You need to stop feeling guilty and responsible for his actions.

[Birdsgottafly]

""I think ultimately his interest will wane, once he realises that three children are hard work and he has little time for himself ""

A honest conversation with MIL, what her plans are for her contact and the fact that she'd had to be consistent, is needed.

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't think there's anything wrong with their father having them 3 nights a week. Many men don't want to be bothered and are happy with EOW. But if you want my opinion, his 3 nights will probably begin to wane after the 'single life' really kicks in for him. That may be part of why his mother is pressuring you. As a compromise, would you consider her visiting the children at your house? Having her over for supper?

As far as the mortgage sign off and being able to get the house, that is a biggie, isn't it? I can certainly see not wanting to upset that apple cart. But is any of that actually in writing? How confident are you that he'll carry through? Because you don't want to set precedents or agree to anything based on just his verbal agreement. You won't have a let to stand on if you agree to 'XYZ' based on his verbal promise and then he reneges on the house thing.