To want the kids to stay with me on my days

[passmetheremote]

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

I have the mortgage in the legal separation document, while not legally binding it would be taken to court if he turns nasty.

He has got other assets, so it's not entirely unfair.

With regards to the mil and her relationship with the children. Their relationship has always been very much in her terms and when she can see them. She's never been one for babysitting or providing childcare which is fair enough.
She would text and ask for the children overnight every couple of months. We always said yes to this as it was a break for us and the children enjoyed going as she 'spoils' them.
She was never one for popping over.
She would see the children the day before or after their birthdays and usually for an hour on Christmas Eve.

Yes I do judge her for ending her marriage. Not that she chose to end it, but the way she did it. Pretended she was happy and everything was fine until one day fil came home from work and she had packed her bags. (Not so different from exh)

I'm presuming she doesn't like the fact that now it won't be just on her terms now and she will have to be factored into our childcare arrangement.

Also if I thought mil would come for supper or tea I might consider it. But she's not like that, everything with the children is a big show. It has to be a big overnight stay with lots of plans to visit places and eat out.

Or she will want to pick them up and take them for lunch or to show them off to visiting family.

That's always been done on her terms and when is best for her.

Her 'desperately' missing the children is just her attempt to pull on my heart strings as I presume exh hasn't been replying to her or refusing to comply with her specific times to see the children.

Don't give in to her emotional bullshit. Just keep repeating that she can see the kids when ex has them. The end.

Stick to your guns. Tell her that she must liase with her shit of a son.

""Pretended she was happy and everything was fine until one day fil came home from work and she had packed her bags.""

That's fine if you are under a threat of violence.

Would your children still want to stay with her?

She wasn't under a threat of violence.

Yes they probably would want to stay with her in all honestly. I just don't see why I should forfeit one of my nights to do this.

That's always been done on her terms and when is best for her.

So STBX is a chip off the old block then?

As hard as it is, very soon he will meet someone else and you will know when that happens because he will suddenly drop them on his days off, moaning that he needs a life of his own blah blah. So this big show of being a wonderful father wont last, it really wont.

It sounds like you are playing the long game and wisely getting finances sorted out first. You are probably right as well that at the moment he is desperate to look like a 'good dad' but will find it increasingly tedious as time wears on and they start to cramp his style.

So you could rightly put a stop to MIL's guilt tripping by saying how much you miss them too, and she is welcome to come over for tea knowing she won't but anything more she needs to talk to STBXH.

When you have finances legally shut down you can then start to talk tough about contact - time will have passed as well so some of the 'I must see them' will have turned into 'hanging around watching them at swimming' or something equally dull. Make sure then you get times you aren't at work - what you have now is ridiculous.

""Yes they probably would want to stay with her in all honestly. I just don't see why I should forfeit one of my nights to do this.""

Then tell your ex that one of his nights, every few months, will be the children being sent to his Mums.

If it goes to court, Cafcass will agree that a established relationship should be facilitated and it's his Mum.

You only ever have to plan about a year away, things change that much as they grow.

"I just don't see why I should forfeit one of my nights to do this."
No, you shouldn't. But what if it was to happen on a night you are working? Now, this would mean that it was at a time to suit YOU and not to suit her: she might back off if it were plain to her that she has to fit in with you rather than call the shots. In this way, you have made the effort and she couldn't guilt you any more. Either she'd have them on a night of your choosing or not at all. Either way, it could work for you. Now I am not suggesting that you do this for HER benefit - only if it suits you and you would feel better in yourself. If you don't want to deal with her, don't feel bad about telling her no.

I wonder if MILs nagging is all for show too? You insist she goes through Ex and she can say "well OP doesnt let me see the kids any more"

You let her have the kids on your days, "well OP obviously doesnt give a shit about them as they are with me today again and its her day to have them"

Best thing to do is withdraw from her and redirect hwr to Ex.

Who has the kids when you work your nights, OP? Is your family involved then? If so, could this be causing jealousy on MIL's part?

As for the mortgage....I hope your legal advice is good. If he's going to take himself off the mortgage then he is no longer liable for it. If there is little equity then in reality he actually isn't being very generous, is he? He is in fact leaving you with a big debt, surely? It's fine for him - he gets to tell all his mates and family "I've let her have the house." Which on the surface looks good. Unless you are good to get a fair monthly settlement are you sure you can manage it?

Say to your Ex Mil/Fil/Pil that you don't want either yourself or your DCs to be involved in any negotiation that they (Pil) should be having with their son, so they must make their arrangements directly with him, as your family will do with you. Tell them that is your final decision.

If your ExH makes comments suggesting you should be glad of the break if Mil takes DCs, tell him you will not be party to making arrangements for his parents. That you will make arrangements for your family in your time and he must make arrangements for his family in his time. Additionally, tell him that what you may or may not be glad about is really none of his business.

The next time your ExH asks you to swap days to accommodate his work or other plans, tell him that doesn't work for you, but suggest to him that he asks his mother to mind the children for him that day.

I think you need to speak to your solicitor again and discuss fixed contact days (or what works for you) also make sure you are getting a good deal with respect to house.

I am getting a good deal with regards to the house, we don't have much equity (about 55k) of that we owe my parents 20k.
I can afford the mortgage payments on my wage alone and in all honestly I'd go without any luxuries to enable me to keep the house.

My parents stay over when I'm at work, they have done when stbx was here, mil always had other plans so was not available to do this. So I can't see her being jealous of the contact the children have with my parents. Also in really close to my parents and will often pop in for a cuppa and a chat a couple of times a week.

Thank you all for the advice, it looks like I still have a rough time ahead.
I agree that he is trying to look reasonable at the minute, I also agree that his interest will wane with the children once he's shagging someone else. That's why I'm so keen for him to see them as much as possible now.

As soon as I have him off the mortgage I will play hard ball.

Is there any reason why he wouldn't want a divorce? As at the moment he says he doesn't want one. Is there something he knows and I don't by stalling for a divorce?

Psychological? He isn't really going to go through with it and hopes you might play the pick me dance?

Financial? He doesn't want to pay for it?

Social? He wants to be able to say the bitch divorced him and he has no idea why as he was husband of the year and such a good dad?

Could be any of these. At the moment he doesn't really need a divorce does he, presumably he hadn't got an OW lined up pressuring him for a wedding so it's no odds to him whether he has one or not.

For those questioning the 'equitability' of the house, there's a lot to be said for owning your own home even if there isn't a lot of equity in it. If it's your 'forever home' it would be enough for me to know that some landlord isn't going to raise my rent, that I'll never be evicted, that I don't have to worry about being able to get back on the property ladder with my marital settlement, and that whether recession or 'boom' economy I have a secure home. If all the property was was a 'starter home' waiting for the value to rise so I could sell it and 'move up' I'd be more concerned with its value vs other marital assets.

I think as far as MiL goes, if you wanted to keep control of the situation as far as not upsetting the 'house apple cart' then offering her to come to supper or meet at the park would be a 'compromise'. You're not 'denying' her her grandchildren, it's just that things are going to be different from now on. If she doesn't want to accept the compromise, you've 'done your duty'. It's a new day, isn't it? You're now separated and the 'old rules' don't apply anymore.

My step dad is doing this right now. He left my mum a 3 years ago and refuses a divorce. I think its so he can enjoy his single life and when he is bored come back. It's about eating his cake and keeping it. Twats.

Could be purely practical. You need (unless it's changed) two years separation to not have to cite other reasons that could cause arguments.

YANBU on exMIL's contact needing to come from her son's time. Why not let her have them on a night when you're working, though?

You'll likely have to wait 2 years from the time he left to divorce anyway. But tell him you will be insisting upon one as soon as the option is available. Do not stay tied to this jerk.

"Is there any reason why he wouldn't want a divorce? As at the moment he says he doesn't want one. Is there something he knows and I don't by stalling for a divorce?"
I'd guess trying to keep you off-balance and therefore easier to manipulate. 'oh, he doesn't want a divorce, maybe he's coming back ...' My arse. Very cruel of him, a real mindfuck.

startrek90 surely your mum can divorce him for desertion, whether he wants it or not?

Just point out that your mother and father would like them a couple of nights a week too - shall you arrange that on his days then?? Then tell him to stop being ridiculous and arrange it on his days. He has them plenty. He left. He made the arrangements over days around his job. You've been plenty reasonable.

So you are getting £30k to house you and the dc, how much is your STBXH getting? You seem to be getting a raw deal to me.

Getting him off the mortgage isn't key - it's getting his name off the deeds, whilst he's on the mortgage he is liable for the debt still it's all to his advantage to get of the debt whilst still being on the deeds and being entitled to half the house so to speak!

I'm sure your solicitor has advised how to get the house entirely yours though.

As to MIL - I'd just send the same text each time. My parents see the dc in my contact time, you and FIL have to see them in twat faces contact time. I already miss seeing my DC 3 days per week thanks to twat face.

Random is absolutely right. I guess I was assuming by 'off the mortgage' you meant relinquishing ownership of the property (i.e. off the deeds).

You must make sure that his name is off the deeds as well as off the mortgage.

Yes he will be coming off the deeds too.
I'm also going after his pension (as soon as I can sort the house out) seeing as though I gave up my career to go into a lesser paid job that suited the children better.

He's got the car and most of the furniture.
I've got the house and the kitchen loan to pay.

Anyone know a hit man or a recipe for a dogshit pie!