To want the kids to stay with me on my days

[passmetheremote]

Name changed for this as I'm pretty sure mil will be nosing.

Dh left before Christmas after 14 years together, this was a massive shock to me. We have arranged who has the children around his work not mine.
He has the children three nights a week.

Mil and fil are separated, previously mil would ask for the children overnight once every couple of months which we'd jump at, as it was a chance for a child free night.
Fil took the children for a weekend afternoon every two to three weeks.

Dh and his parents are saying iabu because I've said that if they want to see the children it should be on the days when dh has them.

I've not chosen this situation, dh just walked out on us. I'm not particularly happy about not seeing the children for three nights a week but I know it's only fair to co parent for the sake of the children.

Mil keeps texting me saying she misses the children desperately and is mad when I tell her that these are my days with the children and she should contact dh.

I've never been particularly close with the in laws, and they've never been particularly close with the children (their choice) so it seems like she's pulling on my heart strings to say she's missing them desperately when normally she went long periods without contacting them anyway.

Or aibu and should I let the Inlaws see the children on the days I have them?

[merseyside]

A happy side effect of divorce is you get to divorce the in laws too.

His kids relationship with his parents is his issue, not yours. I'd be making that pretty clear to all parties.

[Rummikub]

Yes second that re solicitor. Your solicitor works for you. Not him.

[ClarenceTheLion]

I would look for a new solicitor tbh, your current one sounds crap.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He's got the car and most of the furniture.
I've got the house and the kitchen loan to pay."

Not a fair division of assets. Go back to the solicitor and challenge that. E.g., is he really going to deprive his children of chairs to sit on, a table to eat at, beds to sleep in? Fuck that. Ditto the kitchen loan - he was party to taking out that loan, he shoulders his share.

[Rummikub]

I'm surprised at the solicitors saying you were unreasonable at 2 days when the norm seems to be EOW.
My ex had the kids 3 nights a week at the start. I missed them, they missed me. They found it confusing and unstable. We changed it to every weekend which worked better. Till he decided it cramped his single life. Now it's EOW.
Has them more in the holidays.

It's your ex responsibility to sort contact for his mil. He's being selfish and only considering himself. It doesn't work for you. Be less accommodating. If his work pattern changes, tough. It might sound unreasonable but he's playing hard with you, you need to stand your ground.
I learnt the hard way to not let my ex walk all over me. He kept shifting boundaries and making me feel unreasonable.

[ClarenceTheLion]

I don't see how it's rude at all waterrat.

He left her, he has demanded he gets to have the dc's on his three free days wherever they fall, meaning the Op gets less time with her dc's already than he does. And she said that her exMIL didn't see the dc's regularly before.

To have both her ex and her exMIL chewing her ears off over something that is easily in his power to deal with, is nasty. You may as well ask why she doesn't still iron his shirts to save him the bother. It's his business. He made it his business when he walked out on her.

And from my experience, people like this are not grateful for favours, they take it as their due, and they will take as much as they can get away with.

This man has THREE full days a week where he's doing nothing but entertaining his dc's. He has all the time in the world to take them to visit their grandmother. The one perk abandoned wives have (or should have) is that they no longer have to serve as their partners cooks/maids/social secretaries.

If she continues to organize things for his family, it'll never stop. They will always expect it. She may as well put her foot down now, and when they have finished moaning they might realize they are able to communicate with each other.

[waterrat]

Surely the best way to deal with this is to have am honest conversation with MIL. Tell her you are upset at losing more time with the kids and try to find new arrangements that could work for everyone.

Remember life will move on..You will recover from your heartbreak and in the future may be glad they have the relationship with her and you have extra support in emergencies.

[exaltedwombat]

How old are the kids? Do you live close to your ex? They need to live somewhere, not be shuttlecocks

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I don't think there's any need to ignore/be rude to MIL. I'd offer her something that suits you (because you're in work) or say she can ask her son when would suit him. If she asks for a specific time that you are off work say "no I'm sorry that doesn't work for us, we have plans for then". In these circumstances she'll have to accept that the nature of her contact might have to change, it might need to be tea after school one day rather than a weekend night.

[waterrat]

And honestly op it is far better to have a good relationship with someone who can be a caring influence for you children
..

It's obvousouly a shame you husband and her.don't get on so why not be the bigger person and help.her keep a relationship wij your children
It can be on your terms not entirely hers.

But.I think it's really unnecessarily rude to just refuse to engage with her

[waterrat]

I think the advice here is a bit aggressive. Of course the mil is worried and wants to make sure she maintains a relationship. She was having them yo stay fairly regularly before.

Please think about the benefits of maintaining a long term relationship with the children's grandparents and try to stay friendly with her.

Don't ignore her messages that is reallt rude. And don't just tell her to stop contacting you.

Have an honest conversation with her about your worries and keep the door open.

The children's needs come first.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

Surely it was a child free night with her husband, or whilst happily married - he changed that.

Reply with the same message every time something like "Forwarded your text to exH. Your contact with the DC needs to be arranged via him".. No need to offer explanation, just repeat until she stops.

[TytoAlba]

I think what's been the norm for the children and for you should set the basis for the future arrangements, so if during your marriage you've jumped at the chance for your children to go to your in-laws so you can have a child free night, as you state, that should continue because it is an established routine, and you and STBXH work out childcare arrangements around that. So if you want to change the established routine then YABU.

[passmetheremote]

Yes he will be coming off the deeds too.
I'm also going after his pension (as soon as I can sort the house out) seeing as though I gave up my career to go into a lesser paid job that suited the children better.

He's got the car and most of the furniture.
I've got the house and the kitchen loan to pay.

[Bogeyface]

If you want inspiration for shit pie, I suggest you read/watch The Help. The book is better but the film tells that little nugget of the story very very well! :o

[RandomMess]

I'd go after Spousal Maintenance too then!

[passmetheremote]

Yes he will be coming off the deeds too.
I'm also going after his pension (as soon as I can sort the house out) seeing as though I gave up my career to go into a lesser paid job that suited the children better.

He's got the car and most of the furniture.
I've got the house and the kitchen loan to pay.

Anyone know a hit man or a recipe for a dogshit pie!

[AcrossthePond55]

Random is absolutely right. I guess I was assuming by 'off the mortgage' you meant relinquishing ownership of the property (i.e. off the deeds).

You must make sure that his name is off the deeds as well as off the mortgage.

[RandomMess]

So you are getting £30k to house you and the dc, how much is your STBXH getting? You seem to be getting a raw deal to me.

Getting him off the mortgage isn't key - it's getting his name off the deeds, whilst he's on the mortgage he is liable for the debt still it's all to his advantage to get of the debt whilst still being on the deeds and being entitled to half the house so to speak!

I'm sure your solicitor has advised how to get the house entirely yours though.

As to MIL - I'd just send the same text each time. My parents see the dc in my contact time, you and FIL have to see them in twat faces contact time. I already miss seeing my DC 3 days per week thanks to twat face.

[honeyroar]

Just point out that your mother and father would like them a couple of nights a week too - shall you arrange that on his days then?? Then tell him to stop being ridiculous and arrange it on his days. He has them plenty. He left. He made the arrangements over days around his job. You've been plenty reasonable.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Is there any reason why he wouldn't want a divorce? As at the moment he says he doesn't want one. Is there something he knows and I don't by stalling for a divorce?"
I'd guess trying to keep you off-balance and therefore easier to manipulate. 'oh, he doesn't want a divorce, maybe he's coming back ...' My arse. Very cruel of him, a real mindfuck.

startrek90 surely your mum can divorce him for desertion, whether he wants it or not?

[EweAreHere]

You'll likely have to wait 2 years from the time he left to divorce anyway. But tell him you will be insisting upon one as soon as the option is available. Do not stay tied to this jerk.

[MillionToOneChances]

Could be purely practical. You need (unless it's changed) two years separation to not have to cite other reasons that could cause arguments.

YANBU on exMIL's contact needing to come from her son's time. Why not let her have them on a night when you're working, though?

[startrek90]

My step dad is doing this right now. He left my mum a 3 years ago and refuses a divorce. I think its so he can enjoy his single life and when he is bored come back. It's about eating his cake and keeping it. Twats.

[AcrossthePond55]

For those questioning the 'equitability' of the house, there's a lot to be said for owning your own home even if there isn't a lot of equity in it. If it's your 'forever home' it would be enough for me to know that some landlord isn't going to raise my rent, that I'll never be evicted, that I don't have to worry about being able to get back on the property ladder with my marital settlement, and that whether recession or 'boom' economy I have a secure home. If all the property was was a 'starter home' waiting for the value to rise so I could sell it and 'move up' I'd be more concerned with its value vs other marital assets.

I think as far as MiL goes, if you wanted to keep control of the situation as far as not upsetting the 'house apple cart' then offering her to come to supper or meet at the park would be a 'compromise'. You're not 'denying' her her grandchildren, it's just that things are going to be different from now on. If she doesn't want to accept the compromise, you've 'done your duty'. It's a new day, isn't it? You're now separated and the 'old rules' don't apply anymore.