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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:

TheIceCreamCometh · 12/02/2016 20:59

YANBU. Quite reasonable to ask her to change her top so she doesn't make your baby reek of smoke. It's a vile habit, if you have to do it then don't impose the stench on others - that's the selfish behaviour here.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 21:01

I don't understand why people are posting that lullaby trust leaflet. It doesn't say that smokers shouldn't be allowed to hold babies for a short time.

My health visitor specifically told me if I had regular visitors who smoke I should keep a separate jacket for them. For occasional guests they needed to wait 20 minutes after smoking.

Did she tell you what evidence this is based on?

Original poster

gunting · 12/02/2016 21:03

I'm not even going to rise to the goady 'poor child' comment.

I don't really think it's unreasonable to ask her to change her smokey clothes and that does seem like a compromise.

If my son grows up and decides to smoke thats not really up to me, but as his mum surely it's my job to keep him away from these things while he can't make his own choice.

Maybe it's a generational thing.

OP posts:

RainOhJoyus · 12/02/2016 21:04

YANBU.
Best case scenario your baby comes to no harm but you get them back smelling of the vile stuff.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 21:05

Maybe it's a generational thing.

Do you mean you think that the posters disagreeing with you are older?

fakenamefornow · 12/02/2016 21:06

Question for all those saying the op is being unreasonable. Do you think the grandmother is being reasonable for refusing to wear clean clothes and wash her hands and mouth before hold the baby? Would you also refuse to do this if it meant you could hold the baby?

Redbindippers101 · 12/02/2016 21:07

"Ewww. Imagine you wrap yourself in a big smokey blanket and then you have someone breathing their tobacco smelling breath on you, and they stroke your face with their yellow stained, smelly fingers. Vom. I wouldn't like it! A baby won't either prob."

Eggs, you suggested that I get a grip!

Discopanda · 12/02/2016 21:08

IMO anybody holding a newborn should at least wash their hands first. YANBU, your baby, your rules.

wickedwaterwitch · 12/02/2016 21:09

omg at the idea that elderly women shower before holding their own grandchildren.

It's unreasonable in the extreme, really.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 12/02/2016 21:10

YANBU.

My uncle is a heavy smoker. If he wanted to hold my babies then he had to change his clothes and wash his hands. He was fine with this - he loved my DDs and didn't want them exposed to harmful chemicals any more than I did.

Redbindippers101 · 12/02/2016 21:11

Gunting:
The "poor child" comment was not meant to be goady, just an observation.
I think that you are wrong in you approach to parenthood, you are entirely free to disagree.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 12/02/2016 21:14

My midwife and HV both mentioned that I should not let anyone who had just been smoking hold my baby.

I didn't grill them for their sources (no one I know smokes so not an issue for me to pursue), but for everyone who both politely and unbelievably rudely are saying the OP is BU, please at least acknowledge that some, if not all, of women with newborns now are receiving this advice.

I daresay it's based on more than 'but my gran chugged ninety fags a day while changing my nappy and I'm alright.'

YADNBU, OP

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 21:14

OP i remember when my first DS was born and I took him out for the first time. The pram was the height of a huge lorry's exhaust and the lorry backfired the fumes, I was so sad to think that this is what my pure gorgeous child had to get used to, so I sort of get where you're coming from.

BUT, I also think you're being very PFB. To keep your child away from his great granny because she has smoked in her clothes is just totally bloody ridiculous.

AtSea1979 · 12/02/2016 21:16

YANBU

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 21:17

If you think about it logically less people are smoking and cancer is on the up, whys that then?

DinosaursRoar · 12/02/2016 21:18

can you compromise, ask her to wash her hands and can you have a jacket or jumper you can ask her to put over her clothes?

but if she won't, then perhaps holding her great grandchild isn't all that much of an interest to her. Many smokers, while saying they 'understand the risks' really minimise them and view non-smokers trying to remove the risk completely as hysterical or PFB etc.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 21:19

Vintage - likely because people are living longer. Also why dementia is on the rise. We really aren't meant to live this long. Modern medicine has made it possible.

CarrieLouise25 · 12/02/2016 21:22

''Whenever you smoke, poisons such as nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide can get into your hair and clothes and remain there for at least an hour. You also continue to exhale these poisons for several minutes after extinguishing the cigarette. So if you have a cigarette and then hold your baby, she will breathe in these harmful substances.''

YANBU - Your baby OP, your decision. Baby doesn't have a choice. I would do the same. Want to hold the baby? Give up smoking

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 21:22

So, great granny holding the baby with clothes worn that have been smoked in is hardly a big issue is it

woollytights · 12/02/2016 21:22

OP is saying she would let her hold the baby if she'd be willing to change tops and have a quick wash. That seems like a totally reasonable expectation. She's not saying that no matter what the woman will never be allowed near him. As the parent she's asking a relative to take a minor precaution when handling her child in order to protect his wellbeing. I smoked for years and smoke doesn't bother me in the slightest but you don't fuck about with that kind of thing when it comes to small babies.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 21:25

I don't know why Ive become involved in such a ridiculous thread, no reasoning with unreasonables

GruntledOne · 12/02/2016 21:25

Maybe it's a generational thing.

Do pack in the casual ageism, FFS.

CrockedPot · 12/02/2016 21:25

get over yourself.

Chchchchangeabout · 12/02/2016 21:29

I would do exactly the same as you. How hard is it for her to change/wash clothes to avoid an established risk to your baby.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2016 21:32

I'm early 30's, passionate non smoker with two science degrees. The level of evidence that holding a baby for a short time while wearing clothes that have been smoked in will cause any harm at all is just not there. If you baby we're spending prolonged periods at her house, or she was smoking around you baby I'd agree with you but in the situation as you describe it I think you're being ott. Your baby your choice though.

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