to not let my grandmother hold my son

[gunting]

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

Vintage the decision is up to the parents, end of.
If you don't like it, it's your problem!

Why on earth are you being so aggressive Jane?

I'm not being aggressive. I just think it's up to the parents

Changeabout - it isn't an established risk. Nothing is proven and none of the links posted on this thread have stated otherwise. It is all conjecture.

Do you turn the wifi off in your house when your baby is there because some people think that may cause cancer? And definitely turn your mobile off!

Yanbu op. Even if there is absolutely zero risk factors smokers smell vile. Can she not at least put a blanket over her when she holds him?

I didn't let my DC eat nuts or honey due to potential allergies, I didn't let let them near my dfil due to his smoking.
As a mum, that was my decision. If ppl didn't like it, their problem.

I don't really think it's unreasonable to ask her to change her smokey clothes

Just wondering what you are expecting in this gunting?

Will you be asking your elderly relative to bring an entire change of clothes (top, skirt, tights, knickers, bra, the lot?) and change completely to hold the baby.

Surely that must strike even you as unreasonable? However to ask that she come in non-smoky clothes, wears a zipped up coat for smoking outside and removes the coat when inside to hold the baby - that is perfectly reasonable.

As is asking her to wash her hands. Brushing teeth is OTT not least because it has no effect on smoky breath.

You singled me out and your post was written in what I took as an aggressive manner Jane. Please refrain from doing this.

There is no evidence that a smoker holding a baby for a short period of time will cause anything.

So, yes, I think YABU - passionate non-smoking GP here.

While evidence for harm caused by secondary smoke is mounting, IMO you'd have to balance that infinitesimal increased risk with the social risk of alienating your gran/family and also feeding possibly your own or even your child's sense of anxiety. Presumably you are going for walks with your DD in a pram along roads with cars on them etc., you might be on a bus or in a shop next to a smoker etc etc.

Ultimately is is of course up to you. We all make different parenting decisions, but you did ask and in this case I think YABU.

Get a baby blanket/fleece especially put baby on the blanket and let your gt granny cuddle the baby

awwww op :(

id give anything to have had my wonderful, kind, beautiful, perfect Nana hold my babies, to have seen it, cherished the memory and seen the utter and complete pride on her perfect Nana face and had loads of piccys of it. she never met my babies, she died rather unexpectedly and relatively young. she should have been alive, that was the plan, her and my mum were supposed to do Nana stuff together with them.

they both smoke. if my Nana had died after they were born, and i was you, i suspect id feel immense sadness at being so ott about it.

unless youre not that close to your gran, of course

Vintage I'll post how the hell I like. If you take offence it's your problem, just don't get invested in 'such a ridiculous thread'

My DS does actually have a huge nut allergy Jane and carries an epi-pen

Err ok jane

Entirely agree with Purpledaisies.

Yanbu.

Sorry for your son Vintage, it must be a huge worry

Sorry OP, YABU. She is not going to be giving your child mouth to mouth. I would expect anybody to wash their hands before holding a new baby but I think you are overreacting. I doubt very much that coming into a contact with a smoking relative (who would not actually be smoking at the time) would cause your child to have asthma.

I guess your grandmother held you as a baby and you came to no harm?
As long as she does not smoke near him I do think YABU. Think about other things such as when you push the pram down the street and there's traffic polution etc in the air which cannot be controlled.

This is your grandmother and it somehow feels like you are punishing her because she smokes. My grandmother sadly passed away 2 years before my DS was born (she smoked) and I 'd have given anything for her to have met him/held him.

Thanks Jane.

Within an hour of holding my newborn DD I was emphatically told by my midwife not to hold baby within an hour of having had a fag. I'm not a smoker but exDPs parents were and I took notice of the midwife.
Maybe it does seem PFB but I assumed the midwife was telling me for a reason, not just shits and gigs

OP- imo YANBU. It is a shame but surely she can go without one for a period of time, take a jumper off etc in order to hold dggc?

Can I also just say, how did all of us babies from 1969 survive? Smoking was prolific then, in the home, in the workplace...it was everywhere because people weren't educated in terms of the dangers. My grandparents looked after us a lot, they were 60 a day smokers. My brother and I are fine in our mid/late forties. At the end of the day, it is the choice of the parent but scaremongering about a miniscule risk is ridiculous. It's a bloody cuddle!!!!

same here Mummy, i adored my nana, saw her at least 4 times a week, went to hospital to see her nearly every spare time i had....when my first ds was born it really opened up the wound again (and he literally opened up a wound on my bits ) and i got fresh grief over her death and that she never met him, same when second was born :(

when my bloody cat died that she loved it nearly finished me off!

I'm in Formidable's camp. You need to put this into perspective.

So far OTT as to be in orbit.