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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 19:38

Yes you are bing very cruel and utterly ridiculous. Shame on you

I hate Bing. Fucking obnoxious little beast. Got poo all over his foot the other day and I was so pleased to see it.

diddl · 12/02/2016 19:38

It does sound mean, but I find smoking and the smell so utterly revolting I'd find it really hard to let a smoker hold my baby.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/02/2016 19:39

I have asthma because I lived with my heavy smoker gran for a few months so I get how you feel.

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 19:41

What's mean, IMO, is someone prioritising their cancer stick habit over a three month old baby.

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 19:46

Sleep - there is no evidence in that article at all. All the language used is may and might. Not evidence at all.

I'm no advocate of smoking at all but there seems to be no proof that smokers holding babies increase any health risks. Babies in a smoky environment are clearly at increased risk and no-one is suggesting the OP takes her baby into such an environment.

temporaryusername · 12/02/2016 19:47

I don't know if yabu or not, my first reaction was that you are but I don't know much about the issue. If I were a smoker in that position I would just change clothes even if I didn't really think it was needed.

I just want to say though that those of you who are able to introduce your children to your grandparent are incredibly lucky. It is a generational link that so often doesn't happen. It is really special. I hope you can make it work, tragic not to.

80sMum · 12/02/2016 19:49

It's your baby, OP, so you have the final say. However, I think that you may be overreacting a bit.

I'm sure that your child will be exposed to far greater hazards than being held by his great granny who smells of cigarettes. No activity is risk free. The chances of anything bad happening as a result of being held by great granny are surely very remote. I would have thought that he is more at risk of being accidentally dropped or of contracting a contagion than he is of any health issues developing as a result simply of being held, albeit by someone with clothes that smell of stale smoke?
Having said all that, I am passionately against smoking and always have been. I grew up in a smokey home and from as young as I can remember I vowed that I would never smoke - and I never have. I definitely wouldn't want to go to someone's house if they were going to be smoking and would certainly never have taken a young baby to a smokey house.

PunkrockerGirl · 12/02/2016 19:49

Yabu. Completely and utterly ridiculous. Your baby breathes in far more obnoxious fumes every time you take him out in his pram/pushchair. The odd cuddle won't hurt, you're not living with her in a smoke filled environment. Yes, I think you're being a bit mean, but the anti-smoking hysterics on her will have you believe otherwise Wink

thebiscuitindustry · 12/02/2016 19:52

YANBU

KP86 · 12/02/2016 19:52

Anti-smoking hysterics??? Haha!

England (or perhaps the UK as a whole) has some of the most disgusting smoking habits I have come across. I see people regularly smoking in front of their children, in cars, at play grounds and cafes. Do they not know how to read? The science is in, people. SMOKING KILLS.

IssyStark · 12/02/2016 19:56

I am v anti-smoking and have been all my life having grown up in a smoking household. My mum still smokes (although she pretends she doesn't to me) and like most smokers has no idea how much she reeks of smoke. I wouldn't take my child to a smoke-filled house however even I think yabu not to let her cuddle your DC at your's.

Milanisabadman · 12/02/2016 19:57

YANBU

MySordidCakeSecret · 12/02/2016 20:02

YANBU

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 20:04

Don't go to anywhere in the Med then KP86 Grin

GruntledOne · 12/02/2016 20:07

yes she did hold me when I was a baby and I've had asthma since I was 2. So has my brother and it's never been in our family before that.

I'm prepared to bet - a lot - that your grandmother is anything but the first person in your family ever to smoke. Therefore if asthma has never been in your family before, it must be from another cause - quite possibly inherited from the other side of the family.

I hate smoking, I hate the smell of smoke. But I really think stopping your grandmother from holding the baby just because her clothes smell of smoke is a step too far. A few minutes smelling smoky clothes isn't going to do your pfb any lasting harm. By all means ask her to change before coming to the house, but that's all you can really do.

DickDewy · 12/02/2016 20:08

I would probably let her hold him, but not for long.

No way would I take him to her stinky house though.

wickedwaterwitch · 12/02/2016 20:09

YABVVVVU - poor woman, bloody hell!

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 20:10

Sleep - there is no evidence in that article at all. All the language used is may and might. Not evidence at all.

It's a BBC article discussing research that originally appeared in Pediatrics, not a scientific one, so why would there be? And they always use qualified language in new research areas, most especially when they can't run double-blind testing on ethical grounds for very obvious reasons, so not sure why you are jumping to that aspect? Confused Very definite language is only used when something is proven beyond doubt and that takes a lot of time and a lot of studies, as you know. Are you saying the evidence of risk should be ignored until that point, then?

Here's a more detailed article in Scientific American which provides a fair degree of evidence, though again it's hard to use certainty, when they can't exactly run tests on human subjects.

^www.pnas.org/content/107/15/6576.long This article discusses the evidence base as it is at the moment.]] It's certainly an area which is getting more attention and where further research is being recommended and funded.

I don't really understand why people would so vehemently argue that small babies should be exposed to chemical compounds which are being actively investigated as extremely toxic carcinogens, when that's avoidable. Nor why people wanting to protect their kids from them are seen as "hysterics". It's not so long since that was the attitude to parents smoking around their kids, too.

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 20:11

Sorry, link fail: This article discusses the evidence base as it is at the moment.

Fluffy24 · 12/02/2016 20:12

YANBU! I wouldn't either.

itsmeagain1 · 12/02/2016 20:14

Jesus Beagle, you wouldn't let your grandma hold your child cause her hands weren't clean?
And your hands were spotless at all times I assume, and everything and everyone that came into contact with your child?
I despair of parents these days, I really do. OP, your grandmother is not going to kill your child or give him cancer/ asthma/ scurvy or whatever it is you fear from holding him for a few minutes once in a blue moon.
Be reasonable.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/02/2016 20:17

YANBU

Apart from the potential risks, the poor baby! I find it hard enough when a heavy smoker sits near to me, they're immune to it but the smell coming off them is overpowering. Being laid on the chest of one to be held for half an hour with no escape, breathing it direct off their clothes an inch away.... blech.

iminshock · 12/02/2016 20:18

This reply has been deleted

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DixieNormas · 12/02/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PunkrockerGirl · 12/02/2016 20:19

KP86
I rest my case. Get a grip. The OP is not talking about someone actively smoking around the baby. The OP's grandmother smokes in her own home, hence her clothes smell of smoke. But giving the baby a quick cuddle every so often WILL NOT CAUSE ANY PROBLEMS. I had to replicate your use of shouty capitals in case you were in any doubt Hmm