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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
Ploppymoodypants · 12/02/2016 20:21

I would not have allowed it either. There is a risk and at 3 months your baby is in the highest risk bracket for SIDS (4 - 16 weeks). Just why risk it. If anyone is unreasonable it's your grandmother. To be honest if she won't wash her hands, put clean clothes on and clean her teeth she obviously isn't that bothered about holding your baby.
DH grandmother is a lovely lady with a chronic 40 a day habit. She reeks. We still don't take children to her house. However she comes to us and makes a big effort to smoke outside away from children and has a special coat and frock she saves for coming to see us. I really appreciate the effort she makes in ensuring we feel comfortable (and I know she thinks we are silly as she raised 5 children in her smile riddled home, but she respects our wishes as parents).

Why is your grandmother refusing to do these simple things to ensure the safety of her great grandchild? If it's just because she thinks it's OTT, then tough. Your baby, your rules.

KP86 · 12/02/2016 20:21

I don't hug smoky people, I wouldn't subject my child to that either.

Brummiegirl15 · 12/02/2016 20:21

YANBU

I've got a prem newborn, 6 wks early and it has been battered in to me by midwives and health visitors about smokers holding my DD.

My brother is a smoker and I've just asked him to wash his hands and make sure he's got a clean top on if he wants to hold her .

He's obliged quite willingly as he appreciates second hand smoke is pretty grim.

Maybe he thinks I'm being PFB but if so he's not said

Ploppymoodypants · 12/02/2016 20:22

Have a look on the lullaby trust website and maybe show her the evidence and advice on there so she knows you are reliably informed. They have a great helpline to if you want some reassurance you are doing the right thing xx

Ploppymoodypants · 12/02/2016 20:23

Plus, regardless of the risk, smokers stink. Why impose that on a baby who has no choice.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/02/2016 20:23

Yabu, ridiculously over the top.

Redbindippers101 · 12/02/2016 20:26

OP
How on earth do know that there was no asthma in your family before your grandmother held you at the age of two?
I pity your poor child, your granny is not the reason.

Eggsandketchup · 12/02/2016 20:29

I wouldn't let her hold my teeny baby. I don't give a fuck if it's unreasonable either.

If you want a cuddle that much, you'll have to just minimise the effects of your smelly damaging habit as much as you can. Don't foist it on a baby. It's only considerate.

Redbindippers101 · 12/02/2016 20:30

Ploppy:
I suggest that you actually properly read the Lullaby trusts advice. It doesn't say anything about people who's clothes smell of smoke.

Eggsandketchup · 12/02/2016 20:31

red you pity "the poor child"? Get a grip.

FindoGask · 12/02/2016 20:32

YABU. One or two cuddles from a visiting smoker is not going to make a difference to your son's wellbeing and development. Unless you plan never to take him outside, and keep him in a hermetically sealed environment for his entire life with no potential carcinogens in it. Good luck with that, if so.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 20:32

Ok, what about in years to come your child asks you why great granny wasn't allowed to hold him and you say what you have on here. How ridiculous is that.

Eggsandketchup · 12/02/2016 20:33

Ewww. Imagine you wrap yourself in a big smokey blanket and then you have someone breathing their tobacco smelling breath on you, and they stroke your face with their yellow stained, smelly fingers. Vom. I wouldn't like it! A baby won't either prob.

sleeponeday · 12/02/2016 20:36

I pity your poor child

Appalling thing to say. You owe the OP an apology for such a deeply nasty remark.

Vintage45 · 12/02/2016 20:36

Have no idea where the "great" came in there.

WonderingAspie · 12/02/2016 20:39

Some hugely harsh and overreactions to an OP on here, as per usual.

YANBU OP, it stinks, your baby will stink after. Why subject them to that. It won't just be the smell, assuming there will be some chemicals clinging to your gran that your baby will be breathing in. Disgusting.

BeezerBubble · 12/02/2016 20:44

So the OP can make up her own mind, the third hand smoke myth debunked here - velvetgloveironfist.blogspot.co.uk/2010/02/thirdhand-smoke-roundup.html - spoiler alert "they used 14 times as much nitrous acid and 15 times as much nicotine as would be found in a normal home to produce a few nanograms of a substance that isn't a carcinogen" .
Junk science created purely as another stick with which to beat smoking and smokers. Worked a treat too going by the responses on here.

janethegirl2 · 12/02/2016 20:44

YANBU no way would I let anyone who reeked of smoke hold any of my DC.
As mum it's totally your choice who holds your babe, end of!!

BunloafAndCrumpets · 12/02/2016 20:45

YANBU. We don't understand the risks. Here's a link to the Lullaby Trust fact sheet which your family might like to read.

http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/file/-internal-documents/Fact-sheet-Smoking.pdf

It's your baby, it's your choice.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/02/2016 20:45

Ask her to ear some fresh clothes and not smoke wearing them and then she can come over, wash her hands, and hold her great-grandchild.
Just explain gently about the "new rules"
It must be a wonderful thing to hold your great-grandchild so I think YAB a bit U, but only because surely there must be a way round it?
I think it's fine and sensible really not to take DS round to hers, that's a further degree of risk that is absolutely your call

EweAreHere · 12/02/2016 20:49

YADNBU. I wouldn't let her either. Sorry, but no. It will be in her hair and clothes, and their lungs are developing. Plus I wouldn't want my baby to smell like a disgusting ashtray or to smell a disgusting ashtray unnecessarily.

MsJamieFraser · 12/02/2016 20:51

if your GM always smoked, then she held you, your here posting OP aren't you.

I'm not going to say you are BU, however I do think your being way OTT!

FoundNeverland · 12/02/2016 20:52

There is nothing in the Lullaby Trust info that says not to let smokers hold babies just to keep them away from smoky environments which no-one is disputing. A smoker does not classify as a smoky environment.

I hope that none of you advocating that the great grandmother doesn't hold the baby feed your babies/children bacon or ham because that really is a proven cancer risk.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/02/2016 20:55

Maybe your grandmother might think about cutting down on her smoking for her own benefit too, and this could be an opportunity to encourage that?

Littletabbyocelot · 12/02/2016 20:59

My health visitor specifically told me if I had regular visitors who smoke I should keep a separate jacket for them. For occasional guests they needed to wait 20 minutes after smoking. So I really don't think you are being ridiculous.