to not let my grandmother hold my son

[gunting]

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Cool!
Pleased to hear of the visit

[mummytippy]

You're more than welcome Gunting

[gunting]

Anothertime and mummy thank you I feel much better

Red sorry that's a typo I meant I didn't want them to not have a relationship

[Redbindippers101]

OP , I get that your grandmother smokes and you don't like it, but why don't you want her to have a relationship with your son?

[mummytippy]

I'm so pleased to hear Mumsnet helped Gunting and that your gran respected your wishes after you politely, honestly and quite rightly explained your concerns.

It's evident in your last post how relaxed you now seem and I'm please you experienced a happy visit.

It is very daunting... things changing all the time with regards to what's best for babies etc so now at least you have a clear way forward set. Well done and thanks for updating us

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Awwww bless her!
And well done to you for standing your ground, otherwise she'd never change X

[gunting]

Thanks MrsC you're right, I'm sure there are things we do now that won't be popular with our kids and grandkids but if it's been your way of life and also an addiction for so many years it's hard to change.

I started the thread because I didn't think I was being completely unreasonable but also I didn't want them to have a relationship. So I'm glad I got a few different opinions and also facts, it's helped a lot.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Oh that's good news! Glad Gran was receptive...it's difficult for older generations, they are often so set in their ways and don't understand that things have changed somewhat...and I mean no disrespect to her. My Nan couldn't understand why my Mum couldn't tolerate her smoking in the house while she was being treated for cancer. It would be a no brainer for most wouldn't it?

Well done OP!

[gunting]

Yeah this thread definitely helped! I saw my gran this weekend and I explained to her my concerns and she understood. She waited until 30 mins after smoking and wore a big coat outside then washed her hands. So thank you for the constructive comments I can see both extremes and I don't regret the decision I made previously. I'm feeling less anxious now afterwards too.

[mummytippy]

What have you decided Gunting? Have we helped?

[mummytippy]

Fanjo YABU!

[Vintage45]

Fanjo

[PunkrockerGirl]

Fanjo

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Get a big hose and make her strip off when she comes in and hose her down.

Then hold her down and spray breath freshener in her mouth.

HtH

[trufflesnout]

but I can't let someone smoke in my garden and then walk into my house, pick up my son and kiss his face with smelly smokey breath.

Well that's clearly sensible & fair enough, gunting, but it's not the full teeth brushing/outfit changing for a brief visit outlined in your OP.

[Oysterbabe]

If the OP was worded differently I can't help think she wouldn't have had so many yabu responses.
My gran kissed my baby on the lips 20 minutes after she had a cigarette and when she gave him back he smelt strongly on cigarettes and perfume. WIBU if in the future I insist on her changing her clothes and washing her hands before I let her hold him?

[mummytippy]

She has already done* this (held the baby).

[mummytippy]

I too did not realise that Gran had been smoking in the garden then came straight into the house for a cuddle with baby. I thought too it was more about the gran smoking in general and smelling of smoke.

My DM smokes and when I had my DS I too had to weigh all of this up.

I think the dilema here is that the OP (as she has pointed out has been given lots of leaflets and a themometer and is therefore worried about SIDS). This matter in my view is partly down to scaremongering by given all of these supposedly 'helpful' leaflets.

That said PERSPECTIVE is required from the mother and also RESPECT of the gran (as she's 66 and young enough to have been educated on the latest risk of smoking campaign) of the mothers wishes.

I think you just need tbh with your gran. Tell her that you left hospital with a gazillion leaflets (things have changed a lot, which she'll probably say), but explain that in view of this you'd prefer her to try not to smoke at all before holding the baby and why. Hopefully then she won't take it personally and she'll respect your wishes and you can rest easier.

I think the best you can expect is her not smoking before holding baby and washing her hands. I think changing clothes and teeth cleaning is asking too much. Could you not put a freash clean blanket around baby before passing him to Gran? (The same blanket you have been holding him in).
As a PP said and as I did too in a prev post... traffic polution on walks out with the pram and potential smoking parents of your child further down the line cannot be eliminated.
I believe an occasional cuddle from you gran is more important socially for the baby than the miniscule risk you are worrying about. She has already does this hasn't she too... I just think you need to weigh it all up. Good Luck with your decision.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Why don't you make your request more reasonable.

Put it this way

Enter my house then change wash and brush your teeth before you can hold the baby

In comparison with you cannot cuddle the baby if you have smoked within 30/40 minutes

[MummaV]

It's personal choice so you aren't being completely unreasonable.

However, my grandad is a smoker (the only one in the family) and my DD is now 10 months. I weighed up the issues of him holding her for 10 mins once every few weeks in comparison to walking through a heavily congested town center as we do every day. He only smokes in one room in the house out of respect to my non-smoker nan. We visit every few weeks for a few hours, we stay in a room on the other side of the house to his smoking room. He has a cuddle and plays with his great granddaughter and they have a great time, she adores him.

The risk of such small exposure compared to the air pollution of a large city that she is exposed to every day weighed it up for me.

I think you need to decide how big you feel the actual risk is and not be swayed by the chemical scaremongering.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Well it seems she's the poor granny, so you either do what she says or your risk looking her lovely cuddle and all those fucking smelly precious moments!

[dustarr73]

Stand your ground op.I think she has made her ch oice to smoke,so you have a right to a choice also.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

What I don't understand is, people go for 2 or three hours at work, long journeys to people's houses or holidays, flights, train journeys etc all without having a cigarette.

yet all of a sudden it's too much to refrain fir half an hour to hold your grand child. and the person objecting is the one that's unreasonable,?

what is it that makes that set of circumstances impossible whilst even in teir own home.they could go longer should they he having a bath or cooking dinner or watching a film on tv etc

[diddl]

66? A youngster!
20yrs younger than my dad!

Well young enough to know about risks!

WEll, if she won't brush her teeth & change clothes then she doesn't geta cuddle.

Her choice!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

66? My DM is 70 and my youngest is 16mo!!
Follow your instinct! It's stupid talking about regretting the precious moments with granny when she doesn't give a fuck about mum's wishes! Ffs we are talking about smoking here and a granny who d rather see an anxious mum than help out

OP don't change who you are, your baby relies on you!!