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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my grandmother hold my son

292 replies

gunting · 12/02/2016 19:06

My grandmother is a heavy smoker. My son is 3 months old and i refuse to take him to her house as she smokes in there.

She comes over to my house to visit him but won't brush her teeth/change clothes and it makes me anxious allowing her to hold him.

AIBU to not allow her? I feel cruel.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 13/02/2016 01:21

Can I just check - are you saying that you think linking BSE with CJD was incorrect? I thought that hypothesis was generally accepted? (And I do think using Wakefield as an example of anything any decent scientist would do is a little unfair, no? The ethics gap there is rather pronounced, surely.)

BeezerBubble · 13/02/2016 01:22

sleeponeday Dose makes the poison, not just presence. Common tactic of scaremongers to not mention that. There's formaldehyde in pears, going to stop kids eating them? There's formaldehyde in kids too and other scary chemicals.

sleeponeday · 13/02/2016 01:30

Beezer, I'm not sure why you are repeating a point I made two posts ago. But tbh I am not really interested in debating with you anyway, so never mind.

getyourselfchecked · 13/02/2016 01:31

There is no known safe dose. To do that study would be unethical, obviously. Common sense may tell us that the higher the dose, the higher the risk. But why try to deny a link which has the same 'strength' as avoiding drugs and alcohol, breast-feeding etc? I cannot vouch for the quality of the research personally as I am not going to do a literature critique but I personally would try to manage risk as is reasonable. And this is a manageable risk.

BeezerBubble · 13/02/2016 02:37

No problem sleeponeday maybe the grannie could dry clean her clothes first? Oh wait, tetrachloroethylene.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 13/02/2016 02:48

Interesting there are posters saying poor gran is old, she might die soon she should hold the baby.... Hmm hmmmmm she made the choice to smoke, yes she might die and yes that's awful! Doesn't she know she shouldn't smoke it won't help her especially at her age?
She's bothered to go to the shop buy a packet , isn't she bothered to change the top for poor baby?

AnnaT45 · 13/02/2016 03:48

I don't think UABU. If she can't go an hour with a fag to have a cuddle then that's her problem.

CatchAPlaneToBarcelona · 13/02/2016 04:12

Difficult one, especially if you love your GM a lot. However, I always feel incredibly sorry for babies and small children who are cuddled and kissed and breathed all over at close range by people who are smokers. I don't think they have any idea how foul it is, and as a small child you can't move away or escape. Horrible.

clippityclop · 13/02/2016 05:13

Gunting, how old is she out of interest? Can't help but wonder how she would react at being told to pop off for a wash and change before having a cuddle with the baby that represents the future of her family. Relax, be glad she's here to enjoy the little one, take lots of pictures. If you're going to be spending extended time in her home open the windows and say you've got a cough, explain the new thinking that the smoke' s really bad for the little one.

Original poster
gunting · 13/02/2016 05:30

Clippity she's 66

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 13/02/2016 07:50

66? my nana died at 67
it does sound lkke shes just a gran, someone you endure/sometimes fond of instead of a proper close family member.

i really hope you dont regret it when you have no pics or memories to cherisn, although if youre not close i guess you wont.

good luck to you anyway, my ds friends parents smoke, i dont even think about it, hope your child dossnt put you in a position where you ask their friends parents to change etc, may get a little awkward!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/02/2016 08:29

I know I said too to explain gently about the "new rules" around babies relating to smoking.
But really it's hardly news that smoking isn't good for people, and second hand smoke is bad too, especially for babies.

londonrach · 13/02/2016 08:34

Difficult as can see both sides. The smell of smoke is so awful i think id ask for a change of clothes before handling baby, frankly dont care if that is pfb. Yanbu

Original poster
gunting · 13/02/2016 08:35

I think it's slightly different when it's a small baby who is only 3 months old rather than an older child. I have God knows how many leaflets, posters, books and even a thermometer that has been given to me about sids and each one says to keep him in a smoke free environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
gunting · 13/02/2016 08:38

Plus as I said there are pictures of my son with my grandma and all of mine and dp's grandparents but I can't let someone smoke in my garden and then walk into my house, pick up my son and kiss his face with smelly smokey breath. I put rules in place then.

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 13/02/2016 08:54

its no different, if you believe there is a risk it wont magically go away once they get to school.

it is a bit ick to have a cig and then kiss baby straightaway i do agree, could you compromise and either ask her not to smoke while visiting or delay her holding baby for about 20 mins after? must admit i thought this was about your gran being a smoker in general. clearly missed the comment that it was about her smokung a cig and snatching baby for kisses immediayely after, apologies

temporaryusername · 13/02/2016 09:33

Actually 66 is not really old, that is a generation who are mostly well informed about the risks.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 13/02/2016 09:44

66? My DM is 70 and my youngest is 16mo!!
Follow your instinct! It's stupid talking about regretting the precious moments with granny when she doesn't give a fuck about mum's wishes! Ffs we are talking about smoking here and a granny who d rather see an anxious mum than help out

OP don't change who you are, your baby relies on you!!

diddl · 13/02/2016 09:46

66? A youngster!
20yrs younger than my dad!

Well young enough to know about risks!

WEll, if she won't brush her teeth & change clothes then she doesn't geta cuddle.

Her choice!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2016 09:53

What I don't understand is, people go for 2 or three hours at work, long journeys to people's houses or holidays, flights, train journeys etc all without having a cigarette.

yet all of a sudden it's too much to refrain fir half an hour to hold your grand child. and the person objecting is the one that's unreasonable,?

what is it that makes that set of circumstances impossible whilst even in teir own home.they could go longer should they he having a bath or cooking dinner or watching a film on tv etc

dustarr73 · 13/02/2016 10:01

Stand your ground op.I think she has made her ch oice to smoke,so you have a right to a choice also.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 13/02/2016 10:14

Well it seems she's the poor granny, so you either do what she says or your risk looking her lovely cuddle and all those fucking smelly precious moments! Hmm

MummaV · 13/02/2016 10:40

It's personal choice so you aren't being completely unreasonable.

However, my grandad is a smoker (the only one in the family) and my DD is now 10 months. I weighed up the issues of him holding her for 10 mins once every few weeks in comparison to walking through a heavily congested town center as we do every day. He only smokes in one room in the house out of respect to my non-smoker nan. We visit every few weeks for a few hours, we stay in a room on the other side of the house to his smoking room. He has a cuddle and plays with his great granddaughter and they have a great time, she adores him.

The risk of such small exposure compared to the air pollution of a large city that she is exposed to every day weighed it up for me.

I think you need to decide how big you feel the actual risk is and not be swayed by the chemical scaremongering.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/02/2016 10:47

Why don't you make your request more reasonable.

Put it this way

Enter my house then change wash and brush your teeth before you can hold the baby

In comparison with you cannot cuddle the baby if you have smoked within 30/40 minutes

mummytippy · 13/02/2016 11:05

I too did not realise that Gran had been smoking in the garden then came straight into the house for a cuddle with baby. I thought too it was more about the gran smoking in general and smelling of smoke.

My DM smokes and when I had my DS I too had to weigh all of this up.

I think the dilema here is that the OP (as she has pointed out has been given lots of leaflets and a themometer and is therefore worried about SIDS). This matter in my view is partly down to scaremongering by given all of these supposedly 'helpful' leaflets.

That said PERSPECTIVE is required from the mother and also RESPECT of the gran (as she's 66 and young enough to have been educated on the latest risk of smoking campaign) of the mothers wishes.

I think you just need tbh with your gran. Tell her that you left hospital with a gazillion leaflets (things have changed a lot, which she'll probably say), but explain that in view of this you'd prefer her to try not to smoke at all before holding the baby and why. Hopefully then she won't take it personally and she'll respect your wishes and you can rest easier.

I think the best you can expect is her not smoking before holding baby and washing her hands. I think changing clothes and teeth cleaning is asking too much. Could you not put a freash clean blanket around baby before passing him to Gran? (The same blanket you have been holding him in).
As a PP said and as I did too in a prev post... traffic polution on walks out with the pram and potential smoking parents of your child further down the line cannot be eliminated.
I believe an occasional cuddle from you gran is more important socially for the baby than the miniscule risk you are worrying about. She has already does this hasn't she too... I just think you need to weigh it all up. Good Luck with your decision.