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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed my dgs didn't get a cuddle.

190 replies

greensatin · 04/02/2016 14:44

I was recently staying at DDs house for a few days last week. She has a DD aged nine and a DS who is four. One of the nights I was there my DD went out for a few hours leaving me with her DP and the two little ones.

The four year old bedtime is normally 7pm and the nine year old goes a bit later. Anyway I got to tuck DGS in bed and read him a story. Nice for me and nice for him, so all was good. However, a bit later, probably because he knew I was downstairs he kept calling down for things, another story, another drink etc. His daddy kept telling me to ignore it all otherwise he'd keep it up for ages. So he shouts up the stairs to be quiet, get in bed etc and dgs starts crying ."I want my nana" . DGs daddy told me to ignore him but I just couldn't, I couldn't resist his little voice calling for me. So I went up to give him another cuddle. WIBU to do this when the father said don't. He said I shouldn't have gone up, I said I didn't want to hear him crying. Who was right.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 04/02/2016 16:06

I wouldn't stop mil from coming, but I would possibly be moaning about her to my other half. Best to apologise, then they know you'll not do it again and no resentment can build

RiverTam · 04/02/2016 16:07

Livid? Stop her visiting? How bloody controlling is that? Bonkers.

Terribleknitter · 04/02/2016 16:07

I certainly wouldn't stop mil coming round if she did this, that's a bit of an overreaction.
I'd just wait until she dozed off after Sunday lunch and nag her relentlessly until she made me a drink to see how she liked it!

usual · 04/02/2016 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsMargaretCarter · 04/02/2016 16:11

I am in the minority here. I'd think it was up to my MIL if she wanted to be up and down the stairs all evening settling my ds! I wouldn't really expect her to ignore "I want my nana" and would actually think it a bit odd if she did. But my children only see their grandparents every couple of months so maybe that makes a difference.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/02/2016 16:14

Well thats just it. i expect after the second or third time she's not carry on and it would be down to you

ergo extending bedtime considerably and she's sat down with a cup. of tea and yku or dh spend the evening listening to him.keep trying til.he goes to sleep

pictish · 04/02/2016 16:14

My mum did stuff like this. She would go in to pander to him after he'd been put to bed, or offer him cuddles and petting when he'd a had a telling off for naughty behaviour...that sort of thing.
My mum and I had always enjoyed a good relationship but oh my God did we fall out about her undermining me!

She really couldn't see what she was doing as wrong. She said the same. "Oh I just can't bear to hear him cry."

Not your kid...not your job. It was one of the only things my mum did that really annoyed me and how!

Ywbu.

waitingforsomething · 04/02/2016 16:16

Yabu. My mil does this sort of thing and I find it undermining and it makes me upset. Little children do this kind of thing to avoid bedtime and if their parents say ignore them you should have done

usual · 04/02/2016 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icelollycraving · 04/02/2016 16:17

I don't think you really did anything too bad. I am at ds's beck & call so that may have a bearing on my opinion.

witsender · 04/02/2016 16:17

Parents don't own their children. Yanbu, I'd have cuddled him too.

pictish · 04/02/2016 16:19

Mind you, my mum died 10 years ago, so now it seems like smallfry...nothing to fall out about.

But fuck me it grated at the time.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/02/2016 16:20

DH would have too usual.

We both would have taken total advantage of granny being there. :o

RabbitSaysWoof · 04/02/2016 16:20

I would be pissed off by it too. Partly for the undermining, but mostly I hate the feeling that people are suggesting you are heartless or love your children less than they do if you don't buy into all the fake crying, or sometimes just having boundaries in general unleashes this kind of shit in my kid's GP's some people. People who do this are not bigger hearted, they have less common sense.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/02/2016 16:21

Parents don't own their children

Hmm

No one suggested they do. They do, however, have to care for them. So it is their decision on routine, how they are raised etc.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 04/02/2016 16:21

"I just couldn't bear to listen to him sobbing" - take yourself out for a walk then! Or stay in a hotel instead if you find it so hard.

Kids pick up on seemingly small things - you undermining dad that one time can spill over to a couple of weeks of playing up with dad to re-test the boundaries now that you have questioned them! Which means MUCH more upset for the DGS as their boundry testing has to be managed, so.. nice one! You didn't do your DGS any favours, just yourself. Really it was you who wanted the cuddle, the DGS was just trying it on as bedtime avoidance - it wasn't a compliment.

Want2bSupermum · 04/02/2016 16:23

Hell yes you should have backed up the father. My MIL does this all the bloody time and it drives me nuts. I am so thankful we live 3000 miles away and I only have to endure it for 2 weeks every year. It is extremely disruptive when you are trying to set a consistent bedtime routine and have two DC in one bedroom and the one quiet in bed can't handle change.

Let the parents parent. Back off and I think you should apologize.

Terribleknitter · 04/02/2016 16:23

Parents don't own their children but parents do have to deal with the fallout if soft granny can't follow a simple request to not fall for the oldest trick in the book.

dobbythedoggy · 04/02/2016 16:25

YABU, it has taken me over a year to get dd to the stage where she can settle herself to sleep with minimal fuss. With dh at work over bedtime it's me who would get it in the neck should someone take it upon themself to undermine me. She's a determined little girl, so one inocent cuddle would mean 10-14 nights of stressful bedtimes and a very grumpy girl in the morning to get back to routine. She'd be back to testing boudaries to make sure the rules hadn't changed, which would entail real crying and upset rather than being slightly put out that granny/granddad/uncle etc hadn't given her a cuddle. She will call for a drink, cuddle, story, wanting the change her pjs etc and I do call up telling her to go to sleep and that I'll be up to check on her later.

Dh has had to learn this the hard way but has learnt at bedtime she needs a firmer hand than in the day. So now follows the same routine at weekend bedtimes, all be it sometimes a bit later.

We are flexable, so will stay out late for parties, forget about bedtime when we are at home. But this is usually my decision knowing what the fall out will be and that I am in a position to deal with it without it efecting dd too adversely.

My mil undermines us as parents at every opportunity. So isn't invited to ours at meal times and no way would she be invited to be around at bedtime for this very reason. At nanny's house the rules can be different; it's her choice if she wants food all over the walls and sofa and dd never to say please or thankyou to her, demand things rudely. And we're pretty relaxed about dd having extra sutiably sized treats from grandparents, a cake, ice cream, packet of sweets fine, but not a family sized multi pack in one go!

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 04/02/2016 16:26

"Parents don't own their children"

Parents don't own their kids, but parents know that when someone the child looks up to undermines the parent, it can have knock on effects which results in a miserable time all round until it's all settled down again.

The OP isn't about a kid who doesn't get enough cuddles (over a 24 hour period). It's about the OP's needs more than the kids I think. And just as parent's don't own their kids, kids also aren't toys for people to have turns with whenever they want regardless of whether it's a good time for the kid or not to be played with.

roundtable · 04/02/2016 16:27

If my dc was crying for a cuddle from nanny, which they have done, she could go and cuddle them to her hearts content - which she has done.

I find that a funny attitude as nanny and parents are separate and most children know that. As a previous poster said, feet up and glass of wine.

I think you were maybe unreasonable to go against what he said but I don't think you were being unreasonable if that makes sense? you can come and cuddle mine in the evening if you like Grin

Witchend · 04/02/2016 16:27

Thing is those saying "just one night". I have 3dc. One of whom was able to cope with the one night and know it was an exception, and not try it on the next night.
One who it would have taken around a week to stop it, and one who would still be occasionally trying it a month later. That's despite me being totally consistent after.

usual · 04/02/2016 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Veritat · 04/02/2016 16:30

If you stay there again, make it clear to the 4 year old that, if you take him to bed, that's it, he has to settle down and go to sleep. If he starts calling for you, go up once, don't go into his room, stand outside and remind him that you told him he had to go to sleep and tell him you're disappointed that he's not doing that. Say "Goodnight" again very firmly and go back downstairs.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 04/02/2016 16:30

I don't mind kids bedtimes being messed up on occasion.. what I would mind is the fact that dad said "no", and the MIL basically told the kid that whatever dad says doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's bedtime or a snack or a comic - its fine for grandparents to treat kids, but it's never okay to veto the parent when the parent has already said "no"