To be a bit annoyed my dgs didn't get a cuddle.

[greensatin]

I was recently staying at DDs house for a few days last week. She has a DD aged nine and a DS who is four. One of the nights I was there my DD went out for a few hours leaving me with her DP and the two little ones.

The four year old bedtime is normally 7pm and the nine year old goes a bit later. Anyway I got to tuck DGS in bed and read him a story. Nice for me and nice for him, so all was good. However, a bit later, probably because he knew I was downstairs he kept calling down for things, another story, another drink etc. His daddy kept telling me to ignore it all otherwise he'd keep it up for ages. So he shouts up the stairs to be quiet, get in bed etc and dgs starts crying ."I want my nana" . DGs daddy told me to ignore him but I just couldn't, I couldn't resist his little voice calling for me. So I went up to give him another cuddle. WIBU to do this when the father said don't. He said I shouldn't have gone up, I said I didn't want to hear him crying. Who was right.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

I see the child went through a whole list of things to delay bedtime first before he hit on the magic word of 'nana' through trial and error and discovered that he can not only manipulate nana, she wins out against Daddy!

Useful piece of learning there!

[riverwalk]

blackbag a few assumptions there. Sorry but it's a bit hard to follow your post but I gather you're assuming...I won't apologise, I don't cuddle the nine year old, and something about spare rooms and b&bs.
I don't understand, what makes you think I don't cuddle the nine year old, or I'm not going to apologise?? Also the thing about B&bs....I don't really know what the relevance is but....they wouldn't want me in one. I go there to babysit. Why would I go in a b&b?

You're rightbudgiegirl he does pull his weight in other ways.

[budgiegirl]

Your dsil sounds like a lazy shitbag

Wow, bit harsh Posie!

Just because he doesn't often do the bedtime routine, doesn't make him a shitbag. Maybe the OPs SIL pulls his weight in other ways.

My DH almost never does the bedtime routine. But then again, I never do the washing. DH does every bit of it, about 14 loads a week. I do bedtimes. I don't consider either of us to be shitbags.

[PosieReturningParker]

I think YDNBU.

Your dsil sounds like a lazy shitbag.

[BlackBagTheBorderBinLiner]

We had one nightmare sleeper, you'd really annoy me. To have years reading books/websites, routines in place, tactics worked out. I'd probably transfer some of the bitterness of the night time battle to you, if your not with me your against me.

A 4 year old is really different to a 7 or indeed 9 year old. Did you feel the need for an extra cuddle from the DD aged 9, no? well your setting up a jealousy situation there.

I guess your not going to apologise. When one set of grandparents did this, we stopped being so open, it just was n't worth it. The kids are older now but the spare room is still out of action so they stay in a B&B down the road. I never thought 10 years ago I'd let anyone do that. then we'd shift rooms, let the GPs have our room, special food they liked etc, but as you get worn down you stop going the extra mile.

Well writing that was cathatic! I'd forgotton how bad it was night after night!

[Witchend]

I was in hospital aged 3yo. I remember deciding that I was going to make sure dm was the last parent to leave. No staying for parents back then. So every the dn got up to go, I howled the place down, until eventually the night nurse said she had to go. Then I screamed until she was out of the door.
Now I probably sounded really distressed. I suspect dm was quite upset.

But I clearly remember the feeling of relief once she'd gone and I could just go to sleep. I can't remember why I decided why I wanted her to stay until the last minute, but it certainly wasn't real distress and was entirely me being manipulative.
It worked, so I did it every night while I was in.

[goldensquirrel]

He sounds lazy- not so much that you were undermining strategy more that he didn't have one!

[Rainbowlou1]

I wish my Mum was as accepting of her aibu-ness as you!
If I make the slightest hint that she is undermining me I get accused of picking on her and she cries so much I keep my mouth shut!x

[greensatin]

Anyway thanks for all the replys. Iwbu, I agree.

[LalaLyra]

I don't think your DD not being there makes a difference. Your SIL was and the parent should do the parenting.

Also if your DD always dos the bedtimes and you step in when she's not there then your SIL has less chance, or less need, to actively get involved with bedtime routine. If his way doesn't work then he needs to learn to find a way that does work. On his own.

[greensatin]

I think I've got the message that I've bu, apart from the odd few, most say that I was and I accept I was. I think maybe it was partly to do with DD not being there. She always does the baths, putting to bed and stories, her partner tends to stay on his iPad and not get involved. That's why I tend to get a bit more involved than I should when DDs not there. Sorry, I should have mentioned this before if it makes a difference.

[LalaLyra]

This is why after she does stories, a cuddle and tuck in my MIL goes for a walk. Even when DC's are staying with her she leaves FIL to it for 20 minutes.

It wouldn't be one night here. We'd have weeks and weeks of "Buuut Nanaaaaa gave me a cuddle..." after it. It took months and months of tears and tantrums to get DS into a bedtime routine that works for him. It being ruined for one cuddle would annoy me. It being ruined by someone totally disregarding my request in my own home would leave me feeling very undermined.

Also comments like "I just adore them so much" would seriously get my back up. I adore my children. That's why I'm so strict with DS's bedtimes because he has no self regulation and he feels shit the next day if he doesn't rest (last time my BIL minded him he was allowed up late and the next day he was so tired and upset he cried so hard he made himself sick).

I think you should apologise to your SIL so he knows it won't happen again. In future you should back him up, or at least go for a walk if you can't bear it.

[Borninthe60s]

Dad was right. His house. His rules. You need to apologise. Never over rule a parent.

[SenecaFalls]

remembering what being a parent to a young child can feel like would be more helpful.

Well as DH pointed out to our daughter: "You were never left to cry yourself to sleep, and look how well you turned out."

[DoJo]

I just couldn't bear to listen to him sobbing. I tried to force myself not to go up but where my GC are concerned I'm one big softy. I just adore them so much.

And do you think your son in law doesn't? Being a parent, as you must remember, means doing what's best for your kids even when it's hard for you. I'm sure most parents would rather their children never cried but sometimes you have to do something hard in the short term for the long term gain.

I am lucky that my son has never really done this, but we have had sleeping problems that would have driven us to the brink if we hadn't addressed them and be consistent. I would have found it very frustrating to a) be undermined by someone who I would hope would have my back (having done it all themselves) and b) be made to feel that the only reason I wasn't going up was because I was too tired to be bothered rather than trying to stick to a bed-time routine that worked for us all the other 350 days a year when granny isn't there.

There are certain areas where being spoilt by a grandparent is fine, but undermining a hard-won bedtime routine wouldn't be one of them for me.

[Finallyonboard]

You were VERY unreasonable and rude.

[goldensquirrel]

Well it depends on the age of the child but I tend to not think of my child as being, 'manipulative', it has negative connotations and I don't see my four year old or my nine year old (come to think of it) as my manipulative adversary!

[PosieReturningParker]

And all have age appropriate bedtimes and always have had.

[PosieReturningParker]

Children don't need to cry themselves to sleep, not one of mine has ever done it. They are 13,12,9&7.

[PosieReturningParker]

How old was the crying manipulative spawn of satan child?


(Joking about the manipulative bit as I prefer to think his dad was too lazy to sort it out and so should have let you)

[RabbitSaysWoof]

No WitchWay on MN a child never manipulates, they are all in genuine distress every bloody time.

[greensatin]

Well tbf he was so upset. He was tired so once he starts crying it often turns into proper sobbing. I said to DDs partner I didn't like to think of him crying himself to sleep. But I suppose earplugs are the answer for next time. I don't want to go through that again.

[2rebecca]

You say he was playing up because he knew you were downstairs, in that case I would have made a show of going out for a walk after putting him to bed so he knew there wasn't an audience.
You said you were there for a few days and this sounds like it was just 1 night so does sound like making a fuss when he wouldn't normally.
It sounds as though it wasn't him crying because he didn't have a cuddle as you had already read him a story and given him a cuddle and it sounds like a cuddle was one of a huge list of things he was requesting to delay going to sleep.
Next time he starts playing up just say "out for a walk bye" and leave the house, even if you quietly sneak back in after a few minutes.