AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

[Valan]

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

I sympathise with you OP. I used to lodge with a colleague and her boyfriend would never lock the door when he came round. Her front door had to be physically locked and opened out straight on to the street. I lost count of the times it was left unlocked over night and it was the same with the back patio doors. It made me feel very unsafe in my own bed. If I brought it up I was made to feel like I was being stupid. I had to wait until they had gone to bed then I would go down and make sure. I would even lock it myself before I went to bed but if he went out to the car or the shop he would just leave it unlocked again. Thankfully I have moved out now so don't have to put up with it anymore. Can you put a note on the door so he sees it when he goes out?

I used to live with someone who did things like this. And would go back to sleep having left the bath running, only waking up when the ceiling downstairs was bulging with water. And a whole bunch of other thoughtless stuff that in isolation was nothing but built up until I couldn't relax for thinking of the next stupid thing he would do. And he never meant to do it, and so would be so very, very heartbroken if I objected.

The first time I came home after he had moved out was bliss - I didn't have to worry whether he'd left stuff on/in/out/off that shouldn't have been on/in/out/off. I didn't have to worry about moving the cat from the sofa before he sat down and killed it and I didn't drive up to the house wondering whether the door was open.

I wouldn't put up with his behaviour. Do you want to be in the same situation or worse in a few years?
He needs to figure out the cause of this mental stress before he ends up having a complete breakdown. Was he like this when you met? Or is it the job he is in now making him so unhappy? Does he sleep well?
The unlocked door is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Am I right in anyway, in thinking that you weren't actually really that angry about the door. Well, you were, but you were really angry about a lot of other things in the relationship and it's all come spilling out here? You don't sound at all ok. You sound very angry with your partner, quite possibly for very good reason, just not related to the door lock

Valan, you both need help. You may be suffering from ptsd after the burglaries, BF is struggling with work stress/anxiety. I suggest that you get counselling, either separate sessions or as a couple for these.

I don't get the impression from your posts that living together is happy, or that marriage will improve it. Has it ever been? You are considering moving out. Would that mean the end of the relationship completely, or just a different address.

I think you will have to make the first move and look for counsellors. Tell BF that you are unhappy within the relationship and still anxious about being burgled after the other incidents. Say that you are going to get counselling, offer going for couples sessions if he would like to, state that you want to find way to save the relationship if possible. Hopefully this will open up a discussion about how he views it, or even if he wants to stay in it.

Even if he refuses couples counselling, go yourself. Even if it clarifies in your mind that marrying this guy and continuing to share a home is a mistake. At least you will know that you tried. As my counsellor said to me when I said I felt such a failure, "you didn't fail, the marriage failed" and also mentioned that it was highly unlikely to be exclusively the fault of one person in a relationship, excepting psychopathy etc. You can still look around for somewhere to move to.

girly I don't think they've ever actually been burgled just put at risk of it so there's no ptsd etc.the main problems to OP are her boyfriend's mental health issues and how they're impacting on her life. I'd speak to MIND or/and a good therapist as well as GP to see how she can best support her boyfriend.

I get the OP's stress at this repeated problem, I get she was stressed but this seems a two sided not one sided problem.

The OP seems to be a bit of an ostrich hoping things will get better whereas most of us would've run especially after last nights occurrence. Mental health isn't easy, I've had it in short bursts but also known a good friend with bipolar/schizophrenia (she thought she had schizophrenia) and it's hell for partners to deal with, diagnosed case or not.

Gosh I've left keys in outside of the front door a couple of times, we've left the door slightly ajar and locked ourselves out a couple of times in the last couple of years. I'm usually very organised and on top of things and its in no way indicative of lack of care.

Super, the OP states that there had been 4 burglaries in their block in a 3 week period, so her anxiety is heightened. That's a lot and clearly she feels they have to be extra vigilant about locking the door.

I agree that the BF's mental health issues are impacting on the OP, but she is doubting their future together if she's thinking of moving out. FWIW I think some space between them would be a good thing whether they remain a couple or not. I think that if he isn't up for trying at least to seek help there is no hope for the relationship to survive. She must dread going home each day.

Massive overreaction is an understatement. I cannot comment anymore without being unkind.

OP, he sounds like incredibly hard work. Is he worth it?

After you mentioned your partners job (patent attorney) it rang huge bells with me. I know someone who had the same career - they are now retired. He said it was a job where he was absorbing so much information it wasn't physically possible to remember everything for every single patent one after the other so he trained himself to forget the work he had done once it was completed. As a result even now he has a very short term memory, it's like his brain now refuses to retain data for too long.

Your partner said he was angry about the way his brain works, maybe he is having a similar thing happen without even realising it yet for him, his brain is shunting out all the 'normal' things i.e locking front door when leaving the house.

Totally aware I'm probably grabbing at straws and my comment probably won't help at all but like I say, the job title and memory comment was a big alarm bell for me.

RTFT Cutlery

I feel for you Valan. And your DP of course for his difficulties, but you are NBU to struggle with your feelings and frustration. Living with someone else's mental health problems can be incredibly hard and builds up stress that as you say, you weren't even aware of until now.

Some people on here have been truly awful and very hypocritical about standards of behaviour.

Having to walk on eggshells and listen to unreasonable rants/ anger from a partner is no less harmful just because it is due to mental ill-health rather than being from an abusive wanker by nature. It takes a toll.

He obviously needs help right away as his illness had got a hold of him. Mental illness is very cruel to all parties involved but can be treated usually with some success. He needs to embrace this help for it to be effective, and I hope he finds some soon.

You have to take care of yourself too Valan - you don't want it making you ill, and potentially theatening your ability to work and take care of yourself.

With your job, a decent salary and that bit of money put by I'm sure you will be just fine if you do decide that leaving is what you want. Though I think you might be in London, so maybe a house share is more affordable.

You'll probably need 1 months rent up front, 1 and a half months rent as a deposit, approx £300-500 for agent fees (inventory etc) and a few hundred or so for a van to move your things. Maybe a guarantor if the rent is high. But with a job you have a really good start :)

Good luck and be safe