AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

[Valan]

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

I'd be pissed off too, OP. In my case the cat could get out the front and I lost a cat to a car that way.

I agree a Yale lock is a good idea - but you're not wrong to be seething about his carelessness, IMO.

Get a door closing mechanism and add a Yale so it locks itself.

I guess I'm "absent-minded". I leave the door unlocked, lose the car keys constantly, don't post important letters. My DH, who has ASD, finds it really challenging so I try extra hard not to do all these things. I don't always succeed.

You know what he says? My brain is so busy processing far more important matters that it's no surprise I forget trivial details. Probably far from the truth, but wonderful way to look at it and makes me feel really treasured.

FWIW, I was burgled. The burglars took the door off the hinges. The irony is that it was unlocked - they could just have opened it and saved me the cost of emergency repairs and a freezing night with black bin bags covering the doorway

I get that you got a shock OP but, like almost everyone else, I believe YABU.

It's sad to think about him being worried about making a mistake because if he does you'll verbally attack and berate him, that's the vibe you're giving off here. He's not allowed to make a mistake. Yes I agree it's an expensive mistake but it's not on purpose! Instead of being so aggressive about it, you find a solution for it.

Your "just don't do it again" is easy for you but obviously isn't for him, so you find an alternative. He could leave at the same time as you (being early won't kill him or perhaps he can take him time) or you can get a Yale lock like everyone else said.

I left a candle on in the house (in the bathroom.. if that makes it any better) a couple of months ago. I left for work at 8am and my DH got home at 4pm and smelt it, it smelt like burning. I was, of course, suitably mortified at the thought that I could have burnt our house to the ground and killed our pets. My DH did not "bollock" me, and he didn't feel the need to remind me of the very real dangers of doing it and yet, I haven't used that candle since.

I do believe there's more going on here, within yourself at the very least, for you to be so very angry, and also your comments about not wanting to parent him. It makes me think perhaps there's either a past relationship where you've felt you have to, or whether you're feeling like it already in this relationship.

Sometimes what's important to one person is not important to the other. You try and remember some things, and you succeed (he knows I like orange soft drink) but for some bloody reason putting the cutlery back in the correct spot evades him. It's a running joke rather than deserving of a bollocking (and I put the dishes away now and he washes!)

No, it's not fair that all your worldly goods are being risked by his idiocy. I don't think you should marry him.

Relationships come with risk and vulnerability. you have to pick the man based on what you are prepared to be vulnerable to. This isn't the man for you. He'll do it again.

I totally get your frustration. I was with a man once who cost me a fortune in carelessness. At the time, I was in and out of moderately low paid work and extremely careful with my small disposable income and few possessions. I needed / wanted to save, which was hard, and the only way I could manage it was by wasting nothing.

My then-boyfriend left the front door open often, lost large amounts of cash from loose pockets, left expensive things on buses, left the freezer open regularly (taking out carefully stored food that I had put there of course, rather than making something himself, while I was at work, and then leaving the rest to defrost and rot) and so on, and so on. It was endless.

He always said "it was an accident". He didn't seem to think it mattered how it impacted me, what mattered was apparently that he didn't do it on purpose so I wasn't allowed to be upset or annoyed.

Once he lost a phone and my contact details were in it and I got abusive calls on my landline at home for a while, from some drugged up person jeering at my bf for losing his phone. Maybe that one - the one that actually didn't cost me any money - was the beginning of the end, that feeling that the results of his carelessness were really making themselves felt in my home, in the evening, and it felt pretty threatening.

he was in many ways a nice man. Not like yours, who is shouty too. But I couldn't live like that. I couldn't surrender that control over my future. I wanted to save, I wanted to buy a property, I wanted to know I would be able to use the things I had saved hard to buy, I wanted freedom from insecurity and never having enough. I couldn't have any of that with him because everything was at risk, all the time, while I was sharing everything with him.

HowBadIsThisPlease there is a huge difference to a person who does that all the time to the person OP is describing who in a total of 365 days forget 3 times. 3 time in one year is hardly a person who is habitually forgetting to lock the door. Besides there is a very simple fix if 3 times is just too much for OP to take and that is change the type of lock - problem solved!

Sounds like he is scatterbrained and you are not. No amount of shouting, threats and lying is going to change this behaviour. My husband is the same. You learn to live with it and accommodate it. Change the locks.

If you are struggling with this, I dread to think how difficult things will become between you if you have children.

YANBU OP. I cannot stand dealing with absent-minded people so where I don't have to, I simply won't. Im sure many of us can be forgetful at times but regularly is just too careless for me. Unless of course its due to illness in which case Id be supportive.

I saw earlier in the thread you were told off for giving him a bollocking "you're not his mum" and then its "you can get a new lock for door".

So I guess as the "little woman" its down to you to "solve" his absent-mindedness

A situation like this would make me feel really tense, Im sorry I do not believe most people would just be happy with it. Or maybe as he's a man he should be left to it, but if it were a teen DC they'd get a good telling off..

In his shoes Id do something simple - he could stick a big note on back of front door "don't forget to lock" that he sees on his way out

& totally scatter- brained people get by in life because others carry them, simple as that. Fine if people want to do that but, you aren't a lesser person because you are thinking that you don't want to

change the locks but is this really about the locks? you sound very controlling. lying about being robbed was not a good move. neither is calling him 9 times at work.

I'm sorry, but you sound (actually can't think of an appropriate word).
The poor man must be mithered!

I think a trip to the doctor for yourself might be more in order. I'm not joking btw. I mean it.

Your reaction is beyond 'over'.

I can't stand flaky people who put possessions at risk, but everyone has annoying weaknesses. Losing possessions and being burgled is upsetting and even traumatic, but even if you HAD been burgled I still wouldn't think it's ok to be that angry with your DP. That would be victim-blaming. He didn't leave the door open on purpose.

It would be different if you suspect he left it open on purpose to wind you up...if he had form for pushing your buttons or something like that.

Why have you posted OP?

Nope, not accepting the control freak argument on this one.

Sort of self defeating argument that one. The irony.

^ this YABU

As for callong him 9 times and lying

It also makes me wonder when OP does accept that she is being a control freak as it implies there are indeed examples.

Actually I think it's pretty unfair to call the OP a control freak. You only have a tiny example anyway but basically it's a situation where her DP has done nothing, what is she supposed to do? In a none controlling way? Just let the situation continue? (With the associated risks) or fix it herself? (When it isn't her that's caused the issue, absolving her DP of any responsibility for sorting out his own mistakes).

What's your evidence that she's a control freak? Not wanting to be burgled is pretty normal.

We don't really know what the "bollocking" consisted of but if I'd left the door open all day I think DH might not just cheerfully inform me about it and visa versa, especially if it had made us feel anxious.

OPs DP then did it again. Once easy mistake, twice maybe a bit of a pattern. He knew it was risking household possessions and making the OP upset and anxious but he didn't get a new lock or stick a note on.

And then it happens again.

I totally understand why in those initial moment of shock, having had the adrenaline rush of fear opening her front door wondering if there was someone in her house, or if her stuff had been taken, things she cares about. OP wanted to try and shock her DP into action, Previous evidence shows he has no inclination to do anything about the situation despite knowing it affects OP but maybe if it affects him he'll care - says a lot about how much OP feels valued. I don't think it was a great move but it sounds more like someone desperate to be listened to than controlling to me.

Just what is the doctors appointment for
If it's forgetting to lock a door I can't see a doctor being happy at having his time wasted like that.

If this thread were the other way round and someone had come on here saying their DP had gone ballistic at them for leaving the door unlocked for the third time in a year and lied about the flat being burgled what do you think people would say? Probably lots of questions about is he controlling and nasty in other ways too and maybe a few (probably over the top) cries of LTB.

If you're going to live with someone long term you have to accept that they are different to you and will make mistakes over things you consider important sometimes. If this is honestly a deal breaker for you then by all means end it but be aware you are not going to find anyone who will live up to your standards.

If you think your otherwise perfect relationship is worth saving just change the fucking lock.

Everything on here is not just a 'man/woman' thing I would have suggested changing the lock if it was the other way round too and I said do it together.
If you are the op with the nasty PA boyfriend your problems are bigger than a lock.

Yale locks are shit by the way. Really easy to break. You want something like a Kaba or an Avocet if you want a decent lock.

My brother used to leave my Mum's door unlocked. She went mental at him, but he did it on a daily basis and she had two dogs, one of which was more than capable of opening the latch from the inside of he felt like it which is why the second lock had to be put on. He also lost his bag twice. With a full set of keys and details of his address on, so had to pay to have them changed twice and he still didn't get it. Now he lives on his own (in London might I add) he never leaves his own door unlocked.

I think you've had a rough deal here. Dh used to do this and it drove me insane. Annoyingly once we moved to a house with a door that locks automatically, he switched to leaving the hob on.
The odd mistake is fine but it's very frustrating to be with someone who thinks they're above worrying about such little things as locks and hobs!!

Valan

May I suggest you go and read the incompetent husband thread in relationships.

Passive aggressive. Then decide if you're being irrational. Just a thought.

I think it's unfair to call the OP a control freak or abusive, there's obviously something more going on here as her reactions seem so out of kilter to what seems to me a fairly trivial issue.

But then of course I would say that as I am the stupid forgetful one. My forgetting things has nothing to do with my feelings towards my husband, I just get distracted very easily and forget stuff. I'm just as likely to lock myself out as to leave the door open (or the oven on) but I've done both in my time (and we've lived in some fairly high crime areas too). I've lost phones and bank cards and even my glasses in the days before I wore them pretty much permanently Traveling is a bit of a nightmare too - I've forgotten key documents before.

Luckily for me I have a very lovely husband who doesn't yell at me when I screw up, but organises/rescues me instead (including driving eight hours on one occasion). I hate being forgetful, but it seems to be part of who I am. Luckily I have some redeeming features! Plus dh is far from angelic, so there is a fair bit of give and take.

OP I'm not sure what you might do in the future, but if you are going to change the lock then do a bit of research first. Standard Yales are very low on the security side but there are better locks that will lock behind you without having to deadlock.