AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

[Valan]

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

OP, my pleasure. Thing is, it's just a lock and both of you made one mistake each. Today. So you are even for today. Before his next one comes, change the lock.
For the long term planning of marriage etc, me and DH have come up with a rough division of chores that looks just to both of us. We are sticking to it since first day and it's working quite nicely. People do marry and it does work. If you are honest, clear and devoted and firm in not taking up each other's space.
My point is, you need to sit down and think on it yourself. A few dozen posts of mumsnet can be very helpful but they can rock you too. So assimilate them and Come to the conclusion later. Not here. Not now.

I'd be possessed off too. It is careless and disregarded for your (both) stuff. I wouldn't have responded the way you have, but can understand why. I'd get a Yale type lick installed to prevent it happening again and then have a genuine conversation with him (in a few days when you are calmer) about how this is indicative of a larger issue e.g caring for kids, disregard for possessions, risk awareness and how this is seriously making you question your long term future.

Thank you so much

DeVere, I'm not talking about a reverse of this situation, I'm talking about the insane reaction to some posts, particularly ones where men get a pass at being "forgetful" or a "bit dopey" because they're men.

And yes, OP should totally go die in a hole. That's not an overreaction at all.

Step away from the thread, Valan, talk to a friend or family member instead; it doesn't sound like this shitstorm is helping you at all.

I'm going to go and eat something then sleep, so won't be posting again. Night all

we've both left the front and back door wide open on occasion and then come back from work and said oops! BUT we live in one of the safest places in the world and there is almost no chance we would get burgled.HTH!

As is clear from the thread, this isn't just about the door. Like most "my DP did this dickish thing" threads on AIBU.

I also don't buy anxiety as an excuse for leaving all of one's personal items unsecured.

Are you the poster with the passive aggressive but abusive cocklodger boyfriend ? Apologies if you aren't but if you are it would explain why his carelessness from him would bother you so much.
You've had some harsh replies, I know I for one would be furious if my dh did this, it shows utter lack of respect and carelessness. If he really does have anxiety then he needs to be a bit more anxious about being burgled, and maybe the text message might be a way to get it into his head why he needs to be more careful, like a fully functioning adult.

Some people are just absent minded. Which is really really annoying, but getting annoyed is as productive as complaining that dyslexic people can't spell. Honestly, if that's how you are then however hard you try, you're going to do some daft things, trust me.

Fit a yale lock, put a note on the door, and accept that your lovely partner is utterly infuriatingly absent minded when under stress. He will probably then just lose his keys.

I could not live with someone that can't even do something as basic as lock front door, I really couldn't.

I don't think you are unreasonable in the slightest, forgetting once, annoying but forgivable, regular occurrence not so much.

Please don't marry a man you are frightened of.

This is a sad thread

Hope you're okay OP. I'd be raging too. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. But carelessness isn't a mistake, not when it happens this often.

You don't sound like you're in a good place.

In the short term, just add a yale lock. Put it on yourself in addition to the other locks, and get a key cut for your landlord.

wow in your world my parents would of disowned me for locking myself out once (i have that door that locks as you close it) and they a spare key and had to drive 40 miles at 10.30pm to let me back in.

My reason for not picking up my keys before I left the house - stressed out from work and had alot on my mind I just hadn't realised I hadn't picked up my keys.

Luckily my parents aren't so over dramatic.

Humans can forget things, they can make mistakes. Obviously it isn't ideal to leave the door unlocked all day, but to suggest as gobletofgin has, that it shows an utter lack of respect is ridiculous.

When I was younger, we went to walk a friend home and ended up staying for tea. When we got home, we found a policeman sat in our living room watching TV. It turns out a courier had turned up, realised the doors to the house were wide open but no one was home and called the police. The worst thing was the policeman had phoned the first number on our landline which happened to be my Nan who wasn't my mums biggest fan

DP does this a lot - not so much the front door, which has a Yale lock on it (although he has left it WIDE open a few times) but also forgets (or doesn't bother) to lock the car - I've really clamped down on that recently as there's been masses of opportunist thefts in our area, breaking into cars which have been left unlocked.

The back door is a patio door and he is in and out of the back door far more than me, and often forgets to lock it (it's a patio door that you have to actively lock). He works away most of the week and I've got really paranoid about checking it as a couple of times I've woken up to find the door's been unlocked all night - I'm heavily pregnant and so slightly more bothered about security than usual!

Then there's the fridge/freezer - often walks away leaving the door open and we've had a few total defrostings over the years. Have mostly got around that now as have a new fridge/freezer with a door alarm on it, but feel very resentful that I had to bear the extra expense of this. The house is mine and most of the stuff in it is too, and so it can be hard not to take it personally - he just never learns though, and occasionally isn't even apologetic, through embarrassment I guess.

Unfortunately, stuff happens at work too, and he has an extremely dangerous job (think explosions and hazardous substances). There's been a few major incidents where equipment/property/workspace has been severely damaged or destroyed because he won't doesn't follow procedures or forgets to use safety equipment. It's like the part of his brain which should take care of important details just never developed, and each incident is most definitely not a lesson learned for next time, which is really frustrating.

Business trips are a bit of a nightmare as he tends to pack random stuff about 5 minutes before the airport taxi turns up. And he once arrived at the airport having forgotten to buy a fucking airline ticket.

Interestingly, he's super-paranoid with DD who's 3 - he has nightmares about things happening to her and gets scared with the pushchair when it's being pushed downhill - possibly because he realises his limitations.

I think he shoukd run for the hills, you sound off your rocker. Imperial really, you sound as bad as the op .

I have left my front door wide open and gone out for the day for hours before. I've done this 3 times in total. I've also left my front door key, with car key attached in the lock. When my husband has gotten home and realised I've done this his reaction has always been the same..."did you forget your head again?" Then he tells our daughter what a wally I am and also asks me not to do it again. The last thing he would dream of doing is suggest I'm incapable of looking after our toddler at bath time or popping to shops. Because he's not a jerk.

Reading op recent posts, she does sound very stressed and hence her overreaction. Yes it's a good idea to step away and have a good think.

OP states her bf is under pressure - might explain forgetting all of 3 times to lock the doors but hey lets not be understanding that the pressure might be the reason why its happened. But OP is under pressure too so its ok to sympathise for her to react this way? One rule for one another for the other. Tsk shameful hyprocrisy.

Evening all,

We've received a few reports about this thread and have now zapped several posts which we felt were crossing the line.

We can see the OP's been given some good advice here, but there have also been some fairly harsh posts. We know AIBU has a reputation for being something of a free-for-all topic - but it's really not. It's supposed to be about posters seeking genuine third-party insight into their dilemmas, or crowd-checking their own responses.

Can we ask for a bit of peace and love please?

Hope you're okay, Valan.

Many thanks.

Yabu OP. You should leave your DP alone, and leave him so he can find happiness with someone else. He may be forgetful but you are just mean.