AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

[Valan]

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

Why would you stay with someone who terrifies you?

Tbh your whole situation sounds unhealthy to me. Are you adding to his anxiety?

OP of course your not overreacting why the hell does he keep forgetting to lock the door?There's been burglaries as well where you live?He needs to start making sure that he does lock the door otherwise if you get broken into and they see the door wasn't forced and you put in a claim they could think your trying to make a fraudulent claim,you'd both have alot more to worry about than a break in if that happens.

He needs to step up and sort it out.I hope the Dr's appointment helps him.

I think similar to John actually. I also think there are more underlying problems in this relationship.

7 years and not engaged yet?! I'd be concerned.

And no sane person seethes for days due to someone leaving the door open. In fact I can't believe it's taken you a couple or a few times to realise you need a Yale or automatic locking door.

I think you are also extremely cruel re the lie to do with the burglary considering he has mental health issues. I can't put my finger on it but something doesn't add up here.

What does he do to destress?

He doesn't have an effective way. The honest answer is twice daily masturbation, and ranting at me. The answer I'd tell a friend is playing his guitar.

My way is ranting on the internet so I don't have to bother him. It has been a hard week for the pair of us, I'm on edge and this whole post was stupid of me. I don't regret posting it - it has been helpful to calm me down. I'm all over the place, and I hadn't quite realised until tonight.

Your landlord won't want to pay to have the lock changed. Just do it and keep the old one to go back on when you leave or get permission to change it and send a copy of the key to the landlord.

Well, she is being unreasonable. The guy isn't leaving the door unlocked on purpose, is he? She is not bing bullied! She asked, we gave our opinions and just because you don't think she's being unreasonable doesn't make much of a dent in the majority that do..

I live in the north. I always have my doors locked. As soon as we walk in i lock the door behind me. I live in a pretty crime free area. Not known any in 10 years ive lived here. Bikes left out and theyre fine. Ive twice not only left my car unlocked, the back door was open! If i arrived home to an unlocked door i would freak out, assume someone is in the house and get back in my car. I would be furious as i would not feel safe. I do watch a lot of Criminal Minds though...

I lived in leeds for 5 years from aged 18-23 and we were once robbed while we were in the house. The scummer walked in the front door (left open by housemate for air ffs) and they walked straight upstairs and robbed the two bedrooms on the first floor then straight back out. We were in the kitchen.

Leaving a door unlocked would really bother me too. It would make me feel unsafe but it would also make me cross that my partner thinks 'i didnt think' is an acceptable reason.

My reaction was unreasonable, I agree Bramble. Still think he's a twit. But think I'm a twit too now.

YADBU. You can change the lock to what others have mentioned here and that's it. If that's all to this and no other back story .

In vague relation to some of things I have drip fed, how much money do I need to move out?

We're rented. I have £3000 to my name, and earn £25k. I pay 750 each month in terms of rent and bills, so saving is slow.

Seeing your post about how he deals with stress... And then you saying you posted this out of frustration and it was a stupid thing to do. Yes, I get you posting out of frustration, even anger, even maybe even saying to us "I thought of texting him saying we'd been burgled" but oh no you go ahead and do it.

That, your unsympathetic manner and past behaviour makes you honestly out to be a really nasty piece of work and who shouldn't be in a relationship with your boyfriend. He sounds a nightmare to deal with too, with his mental health issues, as someone else said this does not get easier down the line.

Op I don't think you should be considering marriage. You both have lots of issues, maybe it's stress, maybe you're not well suited. You shouldn't be ranted at and you shouldn't be ranting at him either. Take a holiday from each other

Are you asking how much you need to move out?! £3000.00 is more than enough to move into a new shared house or flat by yourself.

Op are you now saying you are thinking of leaving him and moving out or just living on your own? You seem to be flitting. Just take some time to think about what you really want. Maybe not what's easiest just what do you truly want?

Put a note on the door saying "LOCK THE DOOR !!!!" So he sees it every time he leaves the house. I'd be pissed off too but not as much as you seem to be. Is there a regular pattern of carelessness as well as the door?

Ok hang on. Marriage is Faaar more difficult than this. And you will face a huge number of issues whether you like it or not. And you two will need to sort it out together.
You really don't deserve the nasty comments. Some people are really unkind here. Even more when they have just had a bad day. So step back, stop thinking of moving out, relax and think of all this on a day when you have not been all over the place. In the first post you say you will marry him, by page 5 you are pushed into thinking how much you need to think of moving out. Goddamnit. Take a breath. Put the frikkin phone/laptop down and come back on mumsnet a couple days later.

Thanks Valentine.

Just read the first page. WHY are women so forgiving of this bollocks? "Aw, doh, he has a weakness, lighten up! You sound uptight."

If a grown man with a high paying job can't remember to lock the fucking front door, what else is he forgetting? MN is like a parallel universe lately.

OP, YANBU.

Superflyhigh, your words are very harsh to OP. Couples have really nasty arguments on far more trivial issues than this and a bad day happens to everyone. How come you are being so judgmental?????

The honest answer is twice daily masturbation, and ranting at me.

Your problems go deeper than a lock on the door. Why do you want to marry him exactly? Because you've spent 7 years together and it would seem like a bad investment if you didn't?

You also said upthread that you "liked" your relationship and wanted it to work. But do you actually love him?

Sounds like a slow motion train crash to me. I'd probably start making moves to get my own place and get some space to myself and think about what I wanted to do before marrying someone I didn't like, couldn't trust and who had his own issues to solve. 3 grand would get you a deposit on a flat no problem.

Have to say, this thread has been a bit of a mindfuck. I don't know if I'm allowed to be annoyed at him for being this careless.

You are.

I now feel like I'm the world's worst person, and an abusive partner.

I agree with big sign on the back of the door saying 'LOCK ME' and maybe an alarm reminder on his phone.

You aren't allowed to be annoyed at him.