AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

[Valan]

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

Crikey - in the last 12 months:

• ds3 went out without pulling the door to so I came home to find the door ajar, but thankfully not obvious from the street
• I came home from taking DS2 to a party, to find that Tesco delivery man had passed ds3 over the side gate so he could open the front door from inside, as I had left the back patio doors wide open
• DH left the door open while he tested out his new bike & forgot that he had & stayed out for an hour

It happens!! Our front door closes & locks when you pull it to, but you still have to pull it to!

YABU - massive over reaction IMO! Annoying yes, but not worth ending a long term relationship over! My DH has left our front door unlocked overnight a couple of times, it happens. Especially if he is stressed. I get what you're saying about carelessness and absent mindedness, but really, just change the lock!

YABU sometimes people forget to do things like this. I left my car unlocked on the road last night but it was just a mistake. I agree that you should just change the locks. Also ringing him to tell him you've been burgled is a bit mean.
You can't control other people, just your reactions so don't blow a gasket, it has t worked the previous two times

Ok you might live in London but generally speaking people aren't thieves. Thieves will nick of you locked door or not. Honest people won't.

As everyone else says change the flipping door not your otherwise great partner.

You think he is ill because he left the door unlocked? Like Alzheimer's or something?!

You sound full of anger and ridiculous levels of rage - I suggest that you see a doctor, not him
I don't blame you for being upset, but to be so aggressive is extraordinary.

Well I would dump him. Not for leaving the door unlocked, but for not putting a ring on it, after 7 years.

Thanks Velvet Spoon. Your post helped.

It isn't the end of the world. But there have been 4 burglaries in our block in 3 weeks, and I'm nervous.

It is the only issue, though the more sceptical on here may struggle to believe that after my admittedly frantic post.

YABU but you won't believe it so why come on here asking? Change the lock, issue gone. Also, how long did it take for you to realise you hadn't been burgled? All of 5 seconds yet you want you're partner to worry for how long? Horrible. He hasn't done it on purpose has he?

I now have a post it note fixed to the back of the letterbox that reads 'keys, phone, locked all the doors?'!

I think the solution is a Yale lock. Or ending the relationship. Or seeking help for this level of anger. Remaining in a relationship with someone when you get extremely angry with them over small things is not an option. I agree wth a pp that you sound very stressed, and it's easy for a partner to get the worst of this, but it's really not ok for you to get very angry over small things. I really encourage you to look into cbt or therapy, in london there are a lot of options.

My op isn't anger btw. It is frustration.

That would be a deal breaker for me but we are all different

I'd be worrying that he'd be like my old flat mate, windows open on ground floor, once called in a panic that she'd left the iron on and still flat on the fabric of the board....did leave the oven on one night, I got home 2am ish to find her fast asleep and it was on etc

I agree, locking the front door is basic. It might not be indicative of anything else but it sure would indicate that it's a bad idea to live with that person, especially if you want your stuff to be looked after.

Yes you could get a door that locks as soon as you exit. But it's the mindset of it that would worry me.

I don't think it's fair to lie about being burgled though.

I am very lucky you aren't my girlfriend as you'd probably have dumped me several times over. I once left the front door wide open for 12 hours. North London location.

DP also did it once too (3 hours that time)

We have had burglars attempt to get access once, while we were in and DP fought them off. We should just dump each other and have ourselves sectioned by OPs standards.

Nope, not accepting the control freak argument on this one.

Sort of self defeating argument that one. The irony.

I agree, locking the front door is basic. It might not be indicative of anything else but it sure would indicate that it's a bad idea to live with that person, especially if you want your stuff to be looked after.

This is the spirit of my frantic OP.

You'll do it one day!! Put a note on the door. My dh is incredibly forgetful. He mainly wastes his own time coming back for his wallet etc. He doesn't learn. I don't let it bother me anymore, he's not being mean or doing it on purpose let it go.

You really aren't registering the overwhelming majority opinion here, are you OP?

Have you never had a 'did I leave the iron on?' moment?

Yale locks all the way - and whilst it's ok to have been worried / stressed when you realised the door was unlocked, it is the height of unkindness to deliberately make him feel the same way when you know no harm has,on this occasion, been done.

I don't think you sound as if you have uncontrollable anger. It would be a deal breaker for me too (and if I couldn't change the locks for some reason I'd move somewhere I could) - it invalidates your insurance if you leave it open.

I'm not leaving literally 100 grands worth of stuff to be stolen because someone left the door open. All I've ever owned for the last 40 years gone due to someone being careless.

You can't rely on it never happening and just randomly leaving it open.

a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

Sorry, but you sound utterly unhinged to me. If you can't cope with this, how will you cope with planning the wedding, or having kids, or anything else that's messy, disruptive, unpredictable etc? Seriously, calm down.

Erm change the lock to something that locks when you pull the door closed, not really a difficult answer and yes I think you've over reacted massively given its an easy fix.

Ohcrepe, er, no. there are many people in less savoury parts of London who literally couldn't forget to lock the door.

X-post re iron - fortunately my personal paranoia has never been based in fact! Willing to bet we'd be more sympathetic if he'd actually burned the house down OP :)