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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

213 replies

Valan · 03/02/2016 20:06

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 04/02/2016 07:22

Hasn't everyone not gone out and forgotten to lock door? Do u never make a mistake op?

I think you sound horribly controlling, he's not ur child fgs. I think he'd be better off without u, 9 phone calls, cos nothing happened.....

Collaborate · 04/02/2016 09:14

OP - I don't want to join the bun fight.

But I do wonder if your reaction might possibly be exacerbating his mental health condition? If I were him, your reaction would be a deal breaker for me, so for the sake of his mental health you need to change, or the relationship needs to end.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/02/2016 09:24

What kind of high pressure City job requires you to leave the house at 8.35? City folk have usually been at their desks for 2+ hours by then.

Cachareltastic · 04/02/2016 09:29

Well said schnitzel!

Cachareltastic · 04/02/2016 09:30

My DH leaves at 545am for The City.....

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2016 09:32

Well, you can't change him and you don't have to marry him.

FWIW I am scatty about quite a lot of things most people find important. I forget to lock doors/the car and am forever mislaying my purse/credit card/phone/glasses (pretty much always get them back in the end). But I am, in all other ways very responsible and capable. I am certainly not scatty about my children's safety, work or making the rest of our home life run smoothly. Just don't ask me where I've put the car keys. Smile

escapedfrommordor · 04/02/2016 09:46

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TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 04/02/2016 09:48

cacharel that's probably because he presumes locking doors is beneath him and wifework! ;)

OP for goodness sake don't marry this man, you are totally unsuited and will take each other to a word of misery.

angelos02 · 04/02/2016 09:59

I think YANBU OP. I don't see how someone with a high-powered job can be so forgetful about something as simple as locking a front door.

Bailey101 · 04/02/2016 10:21

I couldn't live with someone who wasn't able to remember something as basic as locking the door. It's all well and good excusing it as forgetfulness, but where do you draw the line - at leaving the cooker on? Or not blowing out candles? Or leaving scissors in reach of the toddler?

It's basic safety and security and I would hate to always be wondering what I was going to come home to.

AliceScarlett · 04/02/2016 10:36

You are never going to find anyone "good enough" for you to marry. Shame really.

GoringBit · 04/02/2016 10:43

So now we're troll-hunting and making up stupid hash tags to mock the OP? Hmm

This thread is MN at its absolute worst. Nice going, people.

Wonderous · 04/02/2016 10:54

Bit harsh there Alice...

Katenka · 04/02/2016 11:06

I think the issue is you aren't happy in the relationship and this is just a thing that pisses you off. His mental health may make you feel you can not be mad at him about other things. But this you can be mad at.

Dh forgets to lock the car occasionally and once our new pushchair was stolen.

It's mildly irritating. Yes I was annoyed the push chair was gone, but he didn't do it purpose.

He certainly doesn't think locking up is 'wife work'Confused

But our relationship on the whole is a good one. He is a good man, husband and father. No one is perfect.

I can imagine it would piss me off more if I wasn't happy with him in general

MackerelOfFact · 04/02/2016 11:26

Sorry, YABU. Locking the front door is something he must at least 300 times a year. When you do something every single day, something invisible that isn't obvious when it hasn't been done, like locking a door, it can occasionally - we're talking less than 1% of the time - be possible to think you've locked it today, but actually you're remembering locking it yesterday.

I live in East London and have gone out for the day with the door WIDE open. Nothing has happened. People passing by probably just thought I was in had nipped out to do the bins or something. The chance of an opportunistic burglar passing by and trying your door on the few times that you've left the door unlocked is vanishingly small. Do you leave the door unlocked when you're home? If so, do you find people trying your door then?

We all have our own perception of risk in different scenarios and modify our behaviour accordingly.

Original poster
Valan · 04/02/2016 11:50

Well, considering that people asked about what boyfriend's response would be, I might as well tell you, despite this carcrash of a thread.

Boyfriend called me as soon as he could. I told him that we hadn't been burgled, but coming home to the front door wide open is letting exactly that happen.

Boyfriend came home eventually, after the pub with his friends, and looked entirely downtrodden. He red hot with anger at himself, and the way his 'brain continues to let him down'. He listed all of the things that he feels he cannot do, because his brain is never present.

He ranted at me for over an hour, I tried to calm him down and talk practical solutions to the door issue - lock, notes on the door etc. He wasn't having any of it, got more and more worked up and subsequently kicked the door, and smashed our bathroom mirror in blind rage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Valan · 04/02/2016 11:56

This thread is MN at its absolute worst. Nice going, people.

I feel that too. Kindness is in short supply in many of the people posting on this thread. I know I did something cruel to my boyfriend, but aren't we always teaching children that two wrongs don't make a right?

I'd rather make one mistake in panic/anger than continue a campaign of nasty, bullying hashtags and posts about how I'll never be loved.

I've got no issue looking at myself in the mirror. I'd like to think that the keyboard hate campaigners on here would have trouble doing that. But bullies don't, do they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Valan · 04/02/2016 11:58

What kind of high pressure City job requires you to leave the house at 8.35? City folk have usually been at their desks for 2+ hours by then.

He's a patent attorney, and his firm starts at half 9. He gets there at 9. I could tell you the name of the firm, if you like.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 04/02/2016 12:00
Sad Try and take the heat out of the situation and find a way of getting out without further drama. I'm sorry you didn't feel supported on this thread (I piled in early on to say YABU) have you got someone to talk to in RL? Take care.
SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2016 12:03

Valentine I don't think I've been harsh, cruel or misunderstanding.

Having said that in her most recent posts the OP comes across as having a mediocum of common sense and remorse for her actions.

If I'd behaved as she'd done to my partner I'd expect them to be angry with me.

If you are in a 7 year relationship where one of you has mental health issues surely you work with them on this rather than as in her post berate, nag, have a go etc. Anyone who thinks this is normal behaviour needs to take a long look at themselves. It also seems like this wasn't a 'one off'.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2016 12:06

After your latest post I have to say I feel extremely sorry for your boyfriend. I hope you support him or leave him.

BramblePie · 04/02/2016 12:13

I think it was because you came on here all high and mighty but you came across as a controlling, anger fuelled person who'd blown it all out of proportion. You were gona give him a bollocking then it turns out you are afraid of him. You have made a mistake but he can't. It's one thing for him another for you. I want to feel sorry for you but there's something in the way you write that I am not 100% what you've said is true re. the smashing of the mirror etc, why are you still there? Why was he having none of it? I don't understand how he could be boiling with rage?

Why do you want to marry him and why were you asking about costs to leave?

And are you OK?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/02/2016 12:22

Someone once said to me "you know you can leave him" and this might be useful for you to hear op?

Obviously it's your own life and decisions but if a relationship isn't make you happy you can leave it. You can leave it regardless of your earning capacity (you could get a room in a shared house in London if it came to it). You can leave it if the other person is ill. You can leave it if you had a good history. You don't owe him anything but you do owe yourself the right to aim for a happy partnership.

As he is now violent I would strongly urge you to move out to somewhere safe and not move back until he has sought help and you can be sure of your safety.

Mandatorymongoose · 04/02/2016 12:23

Wow people just don't stop do they?

I hope you're ok Valan.

Maybe consider reposting in relationships giving the full story about how things are in your relationship.

And as for #freevalansboyfriend - he can free him fucking self can't he? The doors unlocked.

GloGirl · 04/02/2016 12:34

Valan, how are you feeling this morning after what happened with him last night? His rage sounds very scary to me smashing things up. Were you afraid?