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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... completely, miserably, stupid boyfriend

213 replies

Valan · 03/02/2016 20:06

Live with my boyfriend/partner in a flat in central London. Am 31, he's 32. We've been together for 7 years. All is well for the most part. I had intended on marrying him.

Over the past year, one issue has developed. It seems like a very trivial issue -and it really is the only thing bothering me- but it isn't something I'm taking very lightly.

I leave for work in the mornings at 7:50. He leaves at 8:35. This means that he locks up. Our flat has a front door into a corridor, with two locks. Then, it had a main door to the street that needs a fob to open. I come home before he does.

Over the past 12 months, boyfriend has three times left for work but left the front door unlocked. First time he did it, I bollocked him. He was rightly ashamed, and promised to be more vigilant. Second time happened months, months later. Same routine, he apologised, I seethed for days.

Tonight I came home from work to an empty flat and unlocked door. I panicked, thought we'd been burgled. Luckily, everything is fine. But I refuse to tolerate this. And I refuse to live with a man who risks our property, our possessions and invalidates our insurance.

Now, I know he is under a lot of stress at the moment, in his high pressured city job - but I am too, in my own and I don't do this.

Also, I'm worried he may be ill and a doctor's appointment will be happening shortly.

But I don't think that these are good enough excuses for his blatant carelessness. Because that's what he is being - careless - he literally just wasn't thinking when he left the door open this morning. That is what he will say when he comes home and is gobsmacked and apologises profusely and I shout.

My question now is, what do I do? I cannot live with this. It categorically cannot happen again. What do I do to stop this? Why should I even have to, I'm not his parent.

As it stands, I've rang him 9 times and its gone straight to voicemail - underground I imagine. So I've texted him to tell him we've been burgled. Just to scare him really. He needs to feel how I felt coming home, hopefully scare some sense into him.

But beyond this, what do I do? I'm completely out of ideas.

OP posts:
BramblePie · 03/02/2016 20:41

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OneMillionScovilles · 03/02/2016 20:41

A lot of posts whilst I was slowly typing.

I think OP overreacted, and it was probably v counterproductive with her OH's anxiety issues, but I'm not convinced piling on is helpful... Confused

Lolly1984 · 03/02/2016 20:41

I want to know what's happened when he finds out you've not been burgled! YANBU in my opinion, think I'd do the same!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 03/02/2016 20:43

OP, you say you 'had intended on marrying him' so I assume he is otherwise a wonderful human being, or one who, in any event, you love deeply.

You need find some other way of dealing with this. Not 'dealing with him' but dealing with how you react to things like this. Your words are almost venomous and lying to him about being burgled is just wrong.

The title of your OP, the fact that you 'gave him a bollocking', and this seething rage. It really isn't a regular reaction, honestly.

I've got to say, YABU, and I also feel a bit sorry for your 'stupid boyfriend.'

Sandyclaus · 03/02/2016 20:43

Crikey get a Yale lock and cut him some slack. And please send another text to say you haven't been burgled - that was cruel.

My cleaner has left my back door open twice and my front door once (terrace house on main road). I took it as an oversight and that they had been rushing and followed up with a polite text asking them to double check locks before they leave - never had a problem since.

Everybody makes mistakes from time to time - no need to give him a bollocking.

Original poster
Valan · 03/02/2016 20:44

I suppose my question is, what do you do when you are with someone who is careless?

I've read many posts on here about men who simply forget their responsibilities, and women who put up with that because thats what men do. I don't buy into that, and I'm worried that his forgetfulness and carelessness may cause actual harm.

OP posts:
Corygal1 · 03/02/2016 20:44

You lied to someone about being burgled... to someone with MH probs/anxiety?

How could that ever be an ok thing to do?

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/02/2016 20:44

It is concerning that you describe yourself as terrified of him, and there is clearly more going on here than meets the eye. I really do hope you are ok.

Fwiw, I found it very hard to read your OP, because of the language you use about 'bollocking" him, "shouting at " him etc, as if you are aggressively in charge of him somehow, and in a position to hand out disciplinary tellings off. I really struggle with this sort of language being applied in a couple relationship.

But from your later posts, it is clearly more complex than that. As I say, hope you're ok.

LuciaInFurs · 03/02/2016 20:45

YANBU but it's not a dump-able offence and I completely understand (lived in a shitty part of East London) that you are angry but don't throw away seven years.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said, are you renting? If not, can you change the lock?

Failing that I have a friend who worries about leaving her hair straighteners on and I suggested that she take a picture of the straighteners unplugged each morning so she wasn't worrying. Could your partner do something similar with the key in the door?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/02/2016 20:45

What would I do? Probably get a lock that works when the door's slammed. And chill the fuck out.

I think you've been really disrespectful to your partner and the way you talk about him is unpleasant and disproportionate to the situation.

Original poster
Valan · 03/02/2016 20:46

I still will marry him, I'm sure. I'm well aware that I was being dramatic on here. I'd rather be dramatic on here and channel it this way, than be horrible to him. He doesn't respond well to what he perceives as nagging, so I'd rather plan the interaction out mentally first.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 03/02/2016 20:47

Surely this is one of those 'it's massively important to me and you forgetting it the third time is showing you don't care about what's important to me' moments? Does he show any other traces of that in other aspects of life? What's he like he generally to live with? And yes, lock that automatically locks when you shut the door is the way to go.

JohnLuther · 03/02/2016 20:47

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Original poster
Valan · 03/02/2016 20:48

But from your later posts, it is clearly more complex than that. As I say, hope you're ok

Thanks Lovely. You are right. But I'm not ready for that discussion yet. I'm alright, I'm surviving. I like my relationship and want it to work.

I am renting, yes Lucia. I'll have to get the landlord to change the lock.

OP posts:
Natkingcole9 · 03/02/2016 20:49

Hes prob gonna dump you when he realised you lied! The irony...

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/02/2016 20:49

Just spotted you say you're terrified of him. Well I'd probably leave then and stop worrying about the door.

Surely you value your personal safety at least as much as your possessions?

Original poster
Valan · 03/02/2016 20:49

Cheers John. Thanks a bunch. Really helpful.

OP posts:
BramblePie · 03/02/2016 20:51

I think because not everyone jumped on your bandwagon, op, that you've calmed down a bit. But I dread to think how you would have acted towards him if he came in just after you'd found it unlocked or if we had all said "yeah that's awful, dump him. Poor op, how could you have out up with this shit for so long". Hmmm

Thisisnotausername · 03/02/2016 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 03/02/2016 20:51

He doesn't respond well to what he perceives as nagging

But he's alright with shouting, being bollocked and 'was rightly ashamed', being rang nine times to be bollocked further, then lied to? And he's already struggling with MH issues?

Sorry OP, but if this was happening to a friend of mine, I would be concerned for them.

redexpat · 03/02/2016 20:51

You have overreacted, but not unreasonably so.

I think if it has only happened in the last year, then it probably is a symptom of stress, and it is important to note that we all respond differently to stress. So you might not become forgetful, but other people do, and your DP is one of them.

A yale lock might treat the symptom, but it wont treat the cause. What does he do to destress?

JohnLuther · 03/02/2016 20:52

If you really are terrified of him then leave him, forget about the door.

GoringBit · 03/02/2016 20:54

OP, the burglary text was a terrible idea, and I think you know that. I think you should apologise for that.

But. I cannot fathom why you're getting your arse handed to you here. I've been burgled twice, and it was horrible. If anyone was to put me at risk of it happening again, I'd be very angry, particularly if they did it more than once. For fuck's sake, I had my own keys at 8, and wasn't much older when I could take responsibility for locking up the family home in the morning.

And yes, if you're burgled and your front door has been left unlocked, the insurance company will resist paying out.

Do not be bullied into thinking that YABU for being upset about this. You aren't. All I can suggest is that you both sit down (when you're not angry) and talk about ways you can both prevent this ever happening again.

Good luck.

oldmum22 · 03/02/2016 20:54

This is one of the strangest messages I have read for some time.

Zariyah · 03/02/2016 20:54

He doesn't sound careless; he sounds genuinely forgetful. As someone mentioned, anxiety can cause this. I believe it is the single biggest cause of memory loss in under 65s.