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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not send my son to church?

136 replies

Stephieee · 29/01/2016 23:36

I have another thread going too, sorry - I just need lots of advice!

So, DH and his family is religious (especially MIL) and they have always nagged me to get DS baptised and bring him to church...

Bit of a back story... I'm baptised and have a lovely church, where I grew up - my mum and dad were married there, my dad and grandad is buried there and my siblings and I were baptised there - I never went to church there... I would have died to have got married there!!! However, I went along with DH and got married in 'his' church... I wanted DS baptised and said it should be at 'my' church, so DH agreed, but MIL hated me from that point. However, I did refuse to bring DS to church, unless it was at 'my' church (I feel closer to my dad, but I'm not religious) and DH said no way, so I didn't want to bring him... I said we should wait until he is older, so he can decide on his religion. DH goes to church with his mum and wanted DS to go to a religious school - I went to a religious Primary School and they really drummed the religious aspects into you and I don't particularly like that, so in all fairness DH said okay, AIBU to not send DS to church (he's 5)?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 29/01/2016 23:52

What does DS want to do ?

ridemesideways · 29/01/2016 23:52

YANBU.

Original poster
Stephieee · 29/01/2016 23:53

DS says he 'doesn't want to learn anymore stuff'

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/01/2016 23:56

I'm confused.....

Do you live where you grew up? ie, is it an option for you to take him there each week?

By different Church, are you talking about a different denomination, or just a Church that you haven't gone to within the same denomination?

I don't understand why you refuse to let him go to Church with his Dad and Grandma?........ didn't you promise to 'bring him up to know and love God' ?

I'm also unsure why you think your desire for him not to go to Church with his Dad, trumps his Dad's desire to take him to Church Confused

Iggi999 · 29/01/2016 23:56

I suspect your dh also has rights over how your ds spends his time though.
You lost me with your desire to send him to a church you don't attend yourself, for a religion you don't believe in, but won't let your dh take him to a church he does actually attend (and presumably believes in).

Original poster
Stephieee · 29/01/2016 23:59

Yep, they're actually just the same distance... The reason is, is my mum goes to 'my' church and could take him and the reason I like this, is it isn't so much about the religion, I just feel a lot closer to my dad at 'my' church and my mum feels closer to her dad, this church has a lot of meaning - DH's doesn't, they joined there when we moved house

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:00

Yes, my DH does and that's why we got him baptised and say we will ask him... I'm not saying no all together because I don't believe, I'm giving him the choice...

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 30/01/2016 00:01

Attending church is about worshipping God and joining together with others in a community. It's not a place to remember family members, not primarily anyway.

Iggi999 · 30/01/2016 00:02

YABVU

theycallmemellojello · 30/01/2016 00:02

I don't get this. Is this a Protestant and Catholic division? I also don't see why dad shouldn't be allowed to take his son to church, unless it's an insane fundamentalist church I guess. If you're not taking him to your church then I think dh should take him along. Or you take him to your church.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2016 00:04

Are you the same religion?

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:07

But why should DH get a say in what my DS worships... A 5 year old listens to anything and believes it - I'm not saying it's bad to believe in God, but we should all get to decide and the vicar at 'my' church says it's lovely for us to come along because we feel closer to family and we don't have to believe in God, as long as the church is respected, he's fine with it and loves to see family of the people buried there

OP posts:
TitClash · 30/01/2016 00:08

You are all being unreasonable, its ridiculous. You've all lost sight of the point of religion.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2016 00:09

Oh - so is it not his son too? You've said 'my'.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:10

Honestly, DS was baptised in 'my' church, so if anything he should come here, but I know he would hate it! Also, I agreed to marry in 'his' and maybe we have, but I'm not religious, so... I just feel closer to my passed away loved ones

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:12

I appreciate this isn't part of the thread, but yes he is his son, but he doesn't bloody act like he is his

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 30/01/2016 00:14

Going to church doesn't mean he'll believe, especially if he has a non believing parent. If you explain that mum and dad beleive different things and that's fine, he can choose when he's old enough. That's what my mum and dad did. I went to church and have been atheist for as long as I remember. I do think that by not allowing him to go to church you're cutting off that option from him more than attending will prevent atheism. Realistically we live in a very secular society, very few people are religious. It's much easier and more common to leave a church than join one. I think yabu I'm afraid.

BackforGood · 30/01/2016 00:14

YABVU.
How can a child decide at 5, if he wants to go somewhere he has no experience of ?
IME, Sunday schools / Junior Churches tend to be about investigating faith, not brainwashing anyone, but when they are little, they are about entertaining the dc so they are not distrubing the rest of the conversation.

I don't understand why you are calling it "my" Church, if you don't go.
If you went to church regularly, then you need to decide if you are taking turns or what if you go to different churches, but if you don't actually go there, then I can't see why it would be a problem for your dh to take him and you to have a lovely lie-in each week.

I'd say the fact that your dh started going to a Church when he moved in to the area, is quite a recommendation for the Church - he's not just going out of habit, he could have chosen anywhere, yet felt this was a living community he wanted to be part of.

lorelei9 · 30/01/2016 00:15

Yanbu
Your son has the whole of his life to do religion if he fancies it

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:15

But I have asked him and he has said he doesn't want to learn more and we will ask him again and again, we ask him every Sunday if he would like to go and he says no and honestly, dragging him along is being unfair

OP posts:
BackforGood · 30/01/2016 00:16

x-posted

DS was baptised in 'my' church, so if anything he should come here, but I know he would hate it!

So why would you want to take your ds to something you think he would hate ? Confused

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2016 00:17

Do you see that your dh has as much right to make a decision regarding your joint son as you do?

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:17

We moved and he found a church, that's it. Also, I attend that church with my mum, when I can, but just not every Sunday.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 30/01/2016 00:17

Xpost - if you're worried about their relationship surely it would be better to have dh and ds go together? I don't think you get to say that your church is a reason for him not attending DH's church if you don't let him attend yours. It's a choice between no church and DH's church, nothing to do with your family connection to another church.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:17

I wouldn't and that's my point!!! He wouldn't want to go to church, so I don't take him!!!

OP posts: