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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not send my son to church?

136 replies

Stephieee · 29/01/2016 23:36

I have another thread going too, sorry - I just need lots of advice!

So, DH and his family is religious (especially MIL) and they have always nagged me to get DS baptised and bring him to church...

Bit of a back story... I'm baptised and have a lovely church, where I grew up - my mum and dad were married there, my dad and grandad is buried there and my siblings and I were baptised there - I never went to church there... I would have died to have got married there!!! However, I went along with DH and got married in 'his' church... I wanted DS baptised and said it should be at 'my' church, so DH agreed, but MIL hated me from that point. However, I did refuse to bring DS to church, unless it was at 'my' church (I feel closer to my dad, but I'm not religious) and DH said no way, so I didn't want to bring him... I said we should wait until he is older, so he can decide on his religion. DH goes to church with his mum and wanted DS to go to a religious school - I went to a religious Primary School and they really drummed the religious aspects into you and I don't particularly like that, so in all fairness DH said okay, AIBU to not send DS to church (he's 5)?

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 30/01/2016 00:49

No. I'm baptised. I'm an atheist. I married an atheist.
If I had somehow managed to marry someone who believed then we'd have figured out 'stuff' before we married. A bit of religion tempered with agnosticism won't hurt.
Why do you describe her as a bitch?

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:52

Because she is, she says that DH married a horrible woman because I won't breastfeed, she says DH should leave with DS because I didn't want to marry at that church, she is a bitch, she pushes my mum out of everything and it's unfair.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 30/01/2016 00:53
Hmm
BrokenVag · 30/01/2016 00:53

Why are you bringing another child into this car crash?

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:53

What's that for?

OP posts:
BrokenVag · 30/01/2016 00:54

DH was baptised. I was baptised. We couldn't be more atheist if we tried.

DC, as a result, is not baptised.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:54

Because I don't have any issues with DH, he's the love of my life, it's his mother

OP posts:
BrokenVag · 30/01/2016 00:54

The love of your life that has wanted to leave you for several years?

BrokenVag · 30/01/2016 00:55

sorry, misread your post.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 00:55

How has he wanted to leave me for several years?

OP posts:
ToucheShay · 30/01/2016 01:01

I think you are confusing religion with sentimentality. And trying to base your argument around the fact you don't want your DH or MIL to 'win' or 'get one over you', but in the process making yourself look silly. I'm not surprised your MIL doesn't like you much.

It doesn't matter how long you have attended a church, where it located etc, but I'd be concerned if the vicar was saying you don't have to believe.

Religion is part of my DH's life and I support him with this in bringing up our children - whether I believe or not. Its the adult thing to do. At 5 years old your son is too young to 'make a decision'.

Another me, me, me thread Blush

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/01/2016 01:03

When you baptise your child you are promising, actually promising to raise him to know God.

So why did you get him baptised if you aren't prepared to let him go to church?

Could it be (gasp) for the party?

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 01:05

Touche, wow, you're a bitch. You have no idea how terrible my MIL is...

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 01:08

I'm glad you think a woman you treats a 5 year old child horribly is in the right

OP posts:
MoggieMaeEverso · 30/01/2016 01:08

The church thing is irrelevant.

How do you know mil has said all this stuff?
Has she said it to your face or has H repeated it to you?
Either way, your partner needs to be supporting you if his mother is being inappropriate towards you.

steff13 · 30/01/2016 01:08

I don't know why you wouldn't just alternate weekends.

If you believe in spirits, you must realize that your father's body is buried at your church, his spirit isn't tied to the church because that's where his body is.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 01:11

She has said it to my face.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 01:30

Ok, so the 'alternate Sundays' is something that works for you. Good. Do that.

Now, I think you need to 'deal' with the MiL issue. If she's said the things she's said to you (and I have no reason to doubt you) that's a separate thing from your child's religious education. Where does your DH stand with regards to the things his mother has said to you? Have you spoken to him about it? Has she said these things in front of him?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 01:31

Muddled sentence!!! "If she's said the things you've said she's said to you…."

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 01:34

He actually says nothing and when I have asked why he didn't get involved , he said he 'respects his mother'

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/01/2016 01:40

I've not read the whole thread. I am the product of a Catholic/Protestant union. My Mum agreed to bring us up at Catholic. She did a good job and did everything that was required of her (I was born in 69', it wasn't so tolerant then). My brother and I are now both lapsed Catholics. My view is that you give the child the guidance, if you are inclined to do so. Left to make their own decisions, they are not going to take up religion when they're "old enough to understand". So, make a decision as to how you are going to bring your DC's up within your religions. When they are older they will do their own thing. Anybody else's input in this decision is irrelevant IMO.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 01:51

Then to drag out that old MN chestnut. You don't have a MiL problem, you have a DH problem.

I've been a DiL (my MiL is deceased) and am now a MiL. And let me tell you, you can respect your mother and still put your wife first. My MiL (who was lovely btw) believed that her son's first loyalty was to me, his wife. And I firmly believe the same thing. My DS1's first loyalty is to his wife, not to me. My husband respected his mother, my son respects me but that doesn't mean that either of them would have put up with their mothers being rude to their wives!

Does your DH not remember that the Bible teaches that 'a man shall leave his parents and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be as one flesh^? Or that a man should 'love and protect his wife as Christ loves and protects the Church'? That means that YOU should be his priority, not his mother. I know you've said you aren't religious. But you've said that he is. Obvs you can tell that I am, too. I think he needs to seek counseling about standing up to his mother.

Original poster
Stephieee · 30/01/2016 01:54

Thank you :)

Honestly, I thought all the members of the church we're accepting towards anyone? I didn't realise you shouldn't be okay with a non religious person attending church Blush

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 30/01/2016 02:07

YABU to completely disregard your DP's wish to share an important aspect of his family traditions and culture (attending church) with his son and to think your feelings of preference for your church trump his. Your wish for him not to go does not trump your DP's wish to share this with his son. There's no reason DS can't be part of both church communities if you want him to be and he doesn't have to attend every week. Perhaps your DP could take him one Sunday a month?

Taking your DS to church doesn't mean you are stopping him from choosing his own religion or are making a decision for him. If anything giving him a background in Christianity will make him better placed to make an informed decision on whether he believes it when he's older. I attended church with my mum as a child and went to a Christian primary school but I knew I wasn't Christian before I started secondary school and would describe myself now as agnostic

Has your DS ever been to your DP's church? If not how can he really make the choice about whether he wants to go? He is reluctant to go because he doesn't want to 'learn' but many churches are designed to be enjoyable for children with upbeat worship and fun activities. Perhaps your DP's church is like this?

I think your DP should be free to take your DS to church once, it's not going to completely indoctrinate him if he goes one time and your DS may enjoy it. After he has at least had a taste for it he can decide whether he wants to go again, it doesn't have to be every Sunday. You say your DH doesn't always act like your DS's dad so maybe this will also be a good way to help them bond and spend time together as father and son.

MyNewBearTotoro · 30/01/2016 02:17

Also lots of churches are happy for non-religious people to attend church - I have had Christian friends take me along to church before.

I think it's partly because they think if I attend I will be 'saved' and come to know Jesus but it's also normal to want to share important aspects of your life with close friends/ family regardless of whether they believe. I have only ever been welcomed into church, even as a non-Christian, by both pastors and the congregations at friend's churches. I also have a Christian friend whose non-Christian husband attends church with her each week (and has done over 2 years) and whose church supported not only him but also his atheist mother (from a Sikh background) when his father died from cancer. Not all churches are like this but some really are about supporting and welcoming people regardless of religion - I don't doubt that there is an underlying hope that by doing so people will also come to know Jesus but it's not forced upon them and isn't a requirement.

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