AIBU to not send my son to church?

[Stephieee]

I have another thread going too, sorry - I just need lots of advice!

So, DH and his family is religious (especially MIL) and they have always nagged me to get DS baptised and bring him to church...

Bit of a back story... I'm baptised and have a lovely church, where I grew up - my mum and dad were married there, my dad and grandad is buried there and my siblings and I were baptised there - I never went to church there... I would have died to have got married there!!! However, I went along with DH and got married in 'his' church... I wanted DS baptised and said it should be at 'my' church, so DH agreed, but MIL hated me from that point. However, I did refuse to bring DS to church, unless it was at 'my' church (I feel closer to my dad, but I'm not religious) and DH said no way, so I didn't want to bring him... I said we should wait until he is older, so he can decide on his religion. DH goes to church with his mum and wanted DS to go to a religious school - I went to a religious Primary School and they really drummed the religious aspects into you and I don't particularly like that, so in all fairness DH said okay, AIBU to not send DS to church (he's 5)?

[queenMab99]

This is the sort of thing which gives religion a bad name, starts small like this and ends up like Syria.

[IssiePink]

I actually understand the OP...

[Stickerrocks]

It sounds to me as though you think Sunday School is like Primary School. Junior Church and/or Messy Church are fun social activities for children. The children don't sit at desks rote learning. Perhaps if you gave your DH the opportunity to take his DS any misconceptions would disappear.

I agree that you are confusing the church as a peaceful place and religion. You have repeatedly said that you have no religion of your own but seem to think that this makes you the best person to take your DS to church, rather than with other family members who have faith and can explain things to your DS with genuine understanding of their beliefs. This may allow your DS to get something out of church attendance. You say that DS is DH's child, so he has equal rights in determining what he should do. Your dislike of your MIL does come across strongly in your arguments whilst it should actually be irrelevant in deciding whether and which church DS should attend.

[Crazypetlady]

I think forcing kids into religion is wrong regardless. Your dh does have equal rights but imo he should respect your son is an individual.

[PufflesMC]

OP, I understand :)

[kawliga]

OP, if you are Anglican (or similar), then I completely understand. All the things you have said make perfect sense if your side of the family is from an Anglican (or similar) tradition and if your church is a historical village church with family members buried there.

Like it or not, such churches are not just about religion or believing in God and whatnot. That's part of it, but they are also about history and culture and tradition. Hey ho. Of course you would want to bring him to your church, not to a newbie random church that your husband just joined. This is equally true if you're an atheist. Many Anglicans are atheist, that's nothing remarkable. I knew two vicars who were married to atheists.

You probably shouldn't have married a religious man, though.

[Sirzy]

So your husband is a practising member of the church, you go because it is where your father is buried but you don't actually believe. In that case I don't see a problem with getting married in your husbands church as he is the actual believer.


As for your children attending church, both parents have equal rights to guide him until he is old enough to make an informed decision of his own. Why can't he attend both churches alternatively?

[Katenka]

Wow this is odd.

You won't let you child attended church with your dh because of mil?

That's it really, isn't it?

You hate your mil so are banning your dh from doing anything with ds that involves her, that's not ok.

You said in your op that you agreed to get married in your dhs church. That was a decision between you and your dh. Mil may have wanted it. But it was you and your dh that decided it.

You never went to this church growing up, why are you holding so much resentment to your mil over this?

You feel closer to your dad in a building that you never went in?

You say dh is the love of your life but also yes he is his son, but he doesn't bloody act like he is his and a bitch and I'm pissed off about the marriage

That doesn't sound like a happy marriage.

You need to sort out what your actual issue is. Stop being awkward with your dh just to get at your mil.

My mum can be annoying but dh would get short shrift if he started dictating what I can and can't do with our children to piss her off.

Yabvu. You aren't religious, you don't believe. Your dh does. To ban him from taking his son with him is very very unreasonable unless its solely based on ds really not liking it.

Stop using your child to get back at dh and mil.

[Penfold007]

The church attendance like your flat nipples are red herrings. This is a power battle between you and your husband and MIL.

Should be fun when the custody battles start.

[enderwoman]

I think the best thing to do would be to raise your ds as half your religion and half dh's. That means alternating between your church and dh's. If you want ds to feel the significance of the building he needs to spend time there and I'm assuming that's what you want to pass down to him.

[AcrossthePond55]

You know OP, I think you may be better off if you start a new thread about your MiL and your DH's apparent lack of support for you.

"My MiL says nasty things to me and my husband will not challenge her on this."

Because that's the root of your problem.

[BrokenVag]

Many Anglicans are atheist

Erm, what?!

[SoporificHobnob]

op your dh should get a say because he's your son's father, if he isn't then he doesn't but from what you have said it sounds like he is.

[Iceyard]

Why on earth as his mother are you asking anyone's opinion, your opinion as his mother, is the strongest. Obviously, if you were to go to any church, it should be where your dad was laid to rest, as you'll fell closer to him and so will your son. Maybe all these people commenting haven't got their father buried in a church - I understand fully where you are coming from, I don't go to church, only for weddings, baptisms, funerals and Christmas carol service. I don't have to go every week to prove what is/what isn't my faith. Your MIL sounds a witch and should realise she isn't your son's mother and should take a step back! Stand your ground!

[IoraRua]

No, your opinion as his mother is not strongest. His father should have an equal say.
Fwiw I don't see why you can't alternate attending both churches.

[Iceyard]

I agree with his father, but not the grandmother.

[greenkitee]

If your son doesn't want to go then I don't see why it's fair to make him ALTERNATE on weekends ffs! Does he not learn enough in school without having to go to church on weekends?! I too echo pp who said, that you're worried your son will enjoy DH and MIL church and therefore a bond will be formed within them and you will be excluded.
I personally think it's silly to baptize a child when you don't believe yourself. I wasn't baptized and nor was my son because I don't believe

[Iceyard]

^ I agree

[Sirzy]

Has he actually been to know he doesn't want to go tnough or is the OP persuading him he doesn't want to go? From the way the op has been talking she has blocked him going at all so really he can't make a decision either way can he as he doesn't know what it is he would be going to.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

Your son doesn't want to go to any church, extra reason not to send him. I'm all for informing children about different religions, but totally against indoctrination or teaching that a particular church is the 'right' one. Just don't send him to church at all.

If you want him to visit your dad, take him there as the place where he was buried, rather than to imply that your, or any church, has the 'truth' as it's all bollox.

[Katenka]

Why on earth as his mother are you asking anyone's opinion, your opinion as his mother, is the strongest.

Really? So a mother has more say than a father?

[Iceyard]

No, not normally, but this 'father' stands by and listens to his mother say a load of stuff to his wife/DS's mother... She also said in the thread that MIL isn't nice to the boy.

[Katenka]

Sorry that's rubbish.

If he siding with his mum, it does not take away his right to make a decision for his son

[Pilgit]

This isn't about church attendance but about your relationship with your DH and MIL. The church issue is a red herring.

[Iceyard]

I think it does... It's like anything. If the father agreed to his bother beating the child up, his parental decisions would get taken away, end of. It's absolutely ridiculous what people accept now a days.