AIBU to not send my son to church?

[Stephieee]

I have another thread going too, sorry - I just need lots of advice!

So, DH and his family is religious (especially MIL) and they have always nagged me to get DS baptised and bring him to church...

Bit of a back story... I'm baptised and have a lovely church, where I grew up - my mum and dad were married there, my dad and grandad is buried there and my siblings and I were baptised there - I never went to church there... I would have died to have got married there!!! However, I went along with DH and got married in 'his' church... I wanted DS baptised and said it should be at 'my' church, so DH agreed, but MIL hated me from that point. However, I did refuse to bring DS to church, unless it was at 'my' church (I feel closer to my dad, but I'm not religious) and DH said no way, so I didn't want to bring him... I said we should wait until he is older, so he can decide on his religion. DH goes to church with his mum and wanted DS to go to a religious school - I went to a religious Primary School and they really drummed the religious aspects into you and I don't particularly like that, so in all fairness DH said okay, AIBU to not send DS to church (he's 5)?

[Rainbunny]

I'm atheist and I'm constantly dealing with pressure on this topic from my devoutly religious in-laws but even I think you're being unreasonable. Your logic seems off, you seem to think that despite not being religious yourself, your ds should only attend "your" church over attending church with his father who is genuinely religious. Sorry but I think you are really worrying that your ds might embrace your dh's religion and also perhaps you worry that this could become a special bond between your ds and your dh (plus his family) that you aren't a part of.

Just like you I was raised in a religious environment and went to Catholic school. You say you're not religious and I'm an atheist so clearly we were still able to make up our own minds on religion. You and your dh have equal rights to impart your beliefs, your ds has the right to make his own conclusions which he will at some point.

[AcrossthePond55]

Plenty of churches welcome nonbelievers. Although I'll admit it's with the hope that they find faith.

[ReallyTired]

A church is the people rather than the pretty building. I suppose that both your mother in law and your husband wants your son to know his church family. It makes sense to pick a church close to home rather than a church where you grew up. How similar are the two churches in style of worship? Are they the same denomination?

A church should welcome anyone who attends regardless of belief. Our church has a gentleman who started attending church because he had a row with people at the local Hari Khristna temple. He he started attending he didn't have the first clue about Christianity. He has been made welcome and is under no pressure to convert. Church is a community that supports people from all backgrounds through the ups and down of life. It is the living people who make a church a church rather than those who are in the cemetery. The bible commands Christians to love non believers unconditionally. There is no expectations that they should convert. (Unless they want to.)

I see the church as a world wide family. The people at a different church to me are like cousins.

[KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth]

Of course church es welcome non religious people. Or they should. Otherwise you'd have to be born into it - which wasn't Jesus message at all - how do you "find religion" if you want allowed into any religious institutions until you do? It's like only being allowed to go to school if you already know everything!

OP, I don't think church is your issue here at all. I am in a vaguely similar situation and I wouldn't want MIL taking my children to her church, but I regularly attend mine and so they come with me. DH isn't bothered on religion - but supports me. We talked about it before we had children. If he refused to let me take my children to church I'd be really upset.

Your issue is not wanting your MIL anywhere near your child and ive no idea if that is reasonable or not. But trying to make it about your church vs DHs church, about where family members are buried and who got baptised and married where IS unreasonable.

I'm confused as to why you got your child baptised though, if you don't want him to be raised in the Christian faith. I don't have a problem with people "using" the church for their baby parties (I rejoice when someone asks God to bless their family, cos even if they don't believes what they are saying, I know thatGod listens!) but I can never understand why they do. Particularly someone who seems so anti letting their child attend church. Very odd.

[chanie44]

I think YABU.

you are saying that you want DS to make up his own mind, but then you are happy for him to go to 'your' church.

Your OH has equal rights here.

Your issues with MIL are separate.

[Oriunda]

Have you actually attended a Sunday service at your DH's church? I'm CoE and take my son to Sunday school - he loves it. Toys, books, running around with his mates before a slightly more serious but still fun church service. DH is Catholic and takes DS to mass on Saturday. It's normal to DS and he sees going to church as a social thing. We have a lovely church community. Maybe you should give it a try before dismissing it?

[lunar1]

Just alternate weekends. It's not just your mil that goes to the other church, it's your child's dad as well. Did he wait till you were married to start going to this church?

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Yabvu

DH regularly attends church and wants to take his DS.

You don't attend church and are not religious but feel your church trumps dh's church

[x2boys]

I,.m really confused about this you either believe in God or you don't but if you do believe and are of a certain religion surely it doesn't matter which church you go too.?

[Oriunda]

X2 it does if you are, say, Anglican or Catholic. I can't take communion at a Catholic church so I don't attend with DH and DS and prefer to attend my own.

[MoggieMaeEverso]

Sorry, just to check I'm understanding this, she has said to your face that DH should leave you and that you're a horrible woman? I honestly don't understand why you even see her. And how bizarre that your partner just says "I respect my mother" - I'm sorry, it sounds like an awful situation, I think in your shoes I'd be going to marriage counseling and working on being a team.

[x2boys]

Yes I realise that Oriunda i,m Catholic by church I meant a which church in your paticular denomination so it wouldn't matter if I went to any Catholic church not any denomination.

[stressedcoversupervisor]

Sorry but you are BU. In the nicest possible way DS's ability to spend time with his dad trumps your need to be close to your dad in this case. I don't understand why you'd promise to bring up your child to know God but then purposefully stop your DH carrying out those baptismal vows :S

[DarkRoots]

I mean this kindly: this has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with your need for control, imo.

If you have a difficult relationship with your DH's family, it is really natural to cling to thinks that are yours/your side, etc to point out that you have rights and that your needs and beliefs count as well. Especially if you have compromised and made sacrifices in the past and it hasn't been recognised.

But - but! - this approach doesn't solve anything. It muddies the water because DH will think you are arguing about church, and really you are needing him to understand how you feel about your position in the family. Have the conversation honestly.it's the only way.

And the church thing? Let it go. Let go of all that resentment and anger and enjoy taking him to your church with your mum if he ever chooses to go, whilst hoping he enjoys being with DH at some time, too.

Look at things from your DS's point of view at all times. Does this matter or change things?

Good luck.

[ToucheShay]

Being a Christian means you forgive others, treat others as you wish to be treated, support and encourage 'family'.....

[KacieB]

So your actual op should have been something like...

"I hate my MIL. She's done X Y Z and now wants my son to attend her local church. DH attends same one as MIL so agrees with her. If I had to choose, I'd prefer to introduce him to "my" old church as its where I feel happier and it's where my mum is. I don't actually believe either way so don't care about religion, but it would expose DS to MIL and I don't want that. How do I tackle this with DH?"

[MrsAmaretto]

YABU.

You don't think your dh should have any say in how your (dh & you) son is brought up?

You and your MIL think your son is a pawn?

You need counselling. Your relationships seem screwed up.

[arethereanyleftatall]

So, you don't want your ds to go to church, but if he did (which you don't want him to) he has to go to yours (which you don't go to). Completely unreasonable.

[gasman]

Your thinking about religion/church sounds very confused.

I don't believe but was brought up with a church tradition and am respectful of other people's choices. In times of stress I find a church service comforting - not because of God but because of the familiar ritual and comforting memories from childhood.

I think in order to choose properly children need to know what they are choosing between so your DH should be allowed to take him to church. Alternate weeks sounds good. On the other week you could either let you Mum take him to the other church or you two could do something together in keeping with your non belief.

You need to get over your issue with your MIL or you poison your relationship with your DH.

[BoGrainger]

Slightly hungover and gradually losing my grip on reality

You wanted to get married in your church but would have died to do so.
You want your ds to go to alternate services now but he doesn't want to go to any.
You like the building where your dad is buried and this is paramount in ds's religious upbringing.
Hopefully I've misunderstood somewhere along the line

[Ameliablue]

You are making this about your mil when it isn't about her and that is unfair on your oh and your son.
If your oh wants to take his son to his church he should be able to and if you want to take your son to your church you should to. It doesn't need to be one or the other and letting him get to know both allows him to chose for himself when older.

[Floggingmolly]

You are baptised but never went to church? So what's all this "my" church" business? Your church is considerably better than your Dh's church, but your ds would hate it so you won't take him there; he'd be fine at your Dh's but it would make your MIL happy for him to attend that one so you've nixed that...
You sound like a totally confused NIGHTMARE.

[AlwaysHopeful1]

Yabu and trying to control this situation for your own reasons. You don't trump your Dh, you do not have greater say than him. Where you contradict yourself is being ok with him attending your church and having him baptized but then saying he should not go till he chooses. Don't put your son in the middle of issues with your mil. A 5yo shouldn't be making these decisions.

[BackforGood]

So, 16 hours later I've come back to this and your thinking still doesn't make sense.
If you want to ask for opinions / advice / support about your MiL issues, or your relationship with your dh, then do so.
If we try to answer your original question, we can't as this has nothing to do with him going to church or not, but everything to do with you wanting to control the decisions in your relationship even when there's no logic to them..... dh is a believer and regular church goer, but you think you should take your ds to a church you don't attend and never have (as a regular weekly or twice monthly member).
If for some reason you think your ds should somehow form a close bond with a grandfather he's never met, and think that he needs to be physically near his remains to do so and I'm not going to comment on that then surely you can take him to the grave any day of the week, whenever you want to - he doesn't need to be in a church service - that your Dad didn't used to attend either - for that.