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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend my birthday with my children?

154 replies

SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 11:26

It's my (landmark) birthday tomorrow. The children have been really excited; making cards and banners, wrapping up pass the parcel and planning games to play and so on. DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games and a surprise breakfast for tomorrow for over an hour this morning then announced that his parents (who have never babysat the dc and we see approximately five times per year) are arriving at 6 am because we're leaving then to go to a spa together for the day.

He's booked (but not paid for) massages, hair and make up appointments and then a table at a restaurant with the plan being we arrive home in time to put the dc to bed. The restaurant is in a hotel so I'm guessing he's booked a room as he keeps hinting at a surprise. I have never expressed a wish to go to a spa. I am girly but dont fuss over my appearance; I hate having my hair done and barely wear make up.

The dc all cried because they weren't 'invited to my birthday' and to be honest I'd rather be at home or wherever but with them, too. Aibu?

OP posts:
Nishky · 29/01/2016 11:27

No. I would tell him no thanks and stick to the original plan.

sooperdooper · 29/01/2016 11:28

He's tried to do a nice thing- can't you have a two day birthday and do things with the kids on Sunday?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/01/2016 11:29

Are you the same poster who's DH surprised her with Christmas away in Cuba and left the dc's with Grandparents?

redhat · 29/01/2016 11:29

He's tried to do something lovely for you. YABVVU

regenerationfez · 29/01/2016 11:32

I think it sounds like you have bigger problems here. Does he often exclude your dc that isn't his? I'd think my DH had done a lovely thing and say to the kids that you can have a special party with them but it sounds like you don't want to spend time with him.

Nishky · 29/01/2016 11:33

I disagree red hat - it's seems controlling rather than lovely- he let his own child choose a present in the supermarket when op was there - not much effort there. Not allowing the op's child to pick a present is just mean.

I would cancel the babysitters and tell him to go to spa on his own.

Deliberately upsetting children is not a lovely thing.

Original poster
SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 11:39

It's not particularly lovely though; it's something that I have no interest in doing -there's no thought put into it. I feel that essentially he's paying to have me look good on his arm/for a shag when he knows I would've preferred a day out with the dc then a takeaway and a bottle of wine with him in the evening.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 11:43
redhat · 29/01/2016 11:44

I think you have much bigger issues with your relationship.

I am astonished that anyone thinks this is controlling. I truly am. It might not have been your choice of day out but he's tried to do a nice thing. If you think this isn't lovely and he just wants a shag then as Ive said you have much bigger problems with your relationship.

The child choosing present thing could be

a) darling child of mine would you like to pick a present from you for your mummy? Other child you can't because I'm not your dad.

b) come on guys pick a joint present for mummy. ok we've been here 20 minutes now we'll go for this one

Birdsgottafly · 29/01/2016 11:48

""DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games""

Has everyone calling him lovely, missed that bit?

I want to spend my Birthday with my Granddaughter, always spent it with my children and then went out later/the following weekend.

If anyone treated one of my children as your DH has done, I wouldn't be going anywhere with them.

Have you talked this over with your DS, has your DH put this right?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 29/01/2016 11:51

I'm with you OP, why book something you have never expressed an interest in, and get people your kids barely know to babysit?!

If he's only booked and not paid, tell him you wpuld rather spend the money on a fab day out with the children all together instead

Original poster
SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 11:53

It wasn't that they were arguing over it. He told the eldest she could pick something else later in the shop then said there wasn't time and she'd just have to share younger dcs present but he made a point of wrapping it with the younger one and has let her hide it in her room ready for tomorrow.

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 29/01/2016 11:54

Why do his plans trump those of your children?

YANBU

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:00

God I live in a different world to other people.

lostInTheWash · 29/01/2016 12:00

Is he trying to put you in the wrong?

Knowing you either do something you don't really want and that will upset the DC or upset him by decline his nice present?

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:02

I can't believe peoples first thought is he's trying to make you the bad guy by deliberately picking an expensive present he knows you don't like.

He's unlikely to do that unless he's a psychopath. If he is then YANBU. If he's just a normal guy trying to do something nice and getting it a bit wrong then YABU.

TBH I think you sound like a spoilt princess.

Original poster
SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 12:05

Spoilt by wanting less fuss and expense...? Hmm

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 29/01/2016 12:07

Really? In our family dh/I decide what we (the family) are doing and tell our kids. They get a say but not the final one - it's a family, not a democracy.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:07

No she doesn't.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:08

Sound like a spoilt princess that is.

lostInTheWash · 29/01/2016 12:09

I just wondered if he had form for it.

I know a friend whose DH was like that then next year he wouldn't have to put any effort in and tell her that and tell her it was because she was impossible to please. Plus is he is like that what every she does will be wrong anyway.

If he usually a nice guy - for what ever reason thinks this really is a nice thing to do and hasn't meant to upset the DC - then actually a frank talk about why it's not so great a present but OP loves the sentiment possibly postpone the trip till later would be the obvious thing to do.

If he is playing games that approach wouldn't work - and would lead to an argument.

I'm not assuming anything about OP DP - I'm asking a question.

3littlefrogs · 29/01/2016 12:10

He isn't very nice to your eldest Dc is he?

Is he generally a nice person?

GloGirl · 29/01/2016 12:11

Actually hes put a lot of thought and effort into it, kept it secret from you and the kids, called in a favour etc.

I think you should go.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/01/2016 12:11

Horrible for not making sure your child gets a present.

Doesn't seem to know you at all picking presents that aren't things you'll enjoy.

Grand gesture. No thought.

Cancel. Do what you want. It is your birthday. Should not be about keeping him happy as his gift. It's not his birthday.

Flip it. Ask him about how he would feel if you booked things that you wanted him to have but knew he wouldn't like.

CakeWine

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:11

Spoilt in that you're throwing a strop over something that he's tried to do for you and which he (obviously mistakenly) thought you would like.