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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend my birthday with my children?

154 replies

SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 11:26

It's my (landmark) birthday tomorrow. The children have been really excited; making cards and banners, wrapping up pass the parcel and planning games to play and so on. DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games and a surprise breakfast for tomorrow for over an hour this morning then announced that his parents (who have never babysat the dc and we see approximately five times per year) are arriving at 6 am because we're leaving then to go to a spa together for the day.

He's booked (but not paid for) massages, hair and make up appointments and then a table at a restaurant with the plan being we arrive home in time to put the dc to bed. The restaurant is in a hotel so I'm guessing he's booked a room as he keeps hinting at a surprise. I have never expressed a wish to go to a spa. I am girly but dont fuss over my appearance; I hate having my hair done and barely wear make up.

The dc all cried because they weren't 'invited to my birthday' and to be honest I'd rather be at home or wherever but with them, too. Aibu?

OP posts:
diddl · 29/01/2016 13:49

If nothing is paid for, can't you just have the day that you want & then a meal out together?

ILs probably wouldn't mind not having to turn up until later either!

Also, if a room is booked, surely the intention is to stay over?

venusandmars · 29/01/2016 13:49

Imagine if OP's dh came on Mumsnet and asked what to do for surprise birthday...

He'd get lots of advice which might well include recognising her as a person, rather than just her role as a mummy. Advice would probably include ideas for something relaxing and pampering such as a spa and there would be suggestions about making all the arrangements himself i.e. organising babysitting so she didn't have to worry about it.....

In such as scenario the dh would have gone to all that trouble only to find that he is apparently now being controlling, horrible, misguided and worse.

Maybe he is all of those things but I'd be pretty pissed off I'd I'd tried to do my best to create a surprise and found out how others were viewing it, and I'd be upset that my partner was taking the advice of strangers rather than having a proper conversation with me about it, and I'd be upset with myself that I'd got it so wrong Sad

diddl · 29/01/2016 13:52

But he knows that she's made plans with her children!

Also, if there is a surprise party, why does OP need a whole day at a spa being pampered?

Surely however she was for the meal would be good enough?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/01/2016 13:55

it's massively unreasonable and churlish to be resentful of not having the perfect special birthday you want rather than just being grateful for the one that's on offer.

I disagree with this! It's not the birthday 'on offer', the birthday had been planned with her dc. He's trodden all over them with a spa day beginning with the arrival of his parents at 6am

Plus, a grown up has every right to decide what they want to do on their birthday. Nice of him to offer, maybe. But totally reasonable to say 'thanks, but no thanks'.

waitingforsomething · 29/01/2016 13:55

I don't understand why this is an issue. Go to the spa day- your Dp has gone all out to do something special with you- and have a party with all your children the next day.
I am astonished that anyone thinks your poor dp is being unreasonable

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/01/2016 13:56

Oh, he's your DP - is he going to propose?

Branleuse · 29/01/2016 14:01

can you ask him to change the spa for the day after, or next weekend?

DotForShort · 29/01/2016 14:12

YANBU. If his motivation for planning a spa day was truly as the OP interprets it ("he's paying to have me look good on his arm/for a shag when he knows I would've preferred a day out with the dc then a takeaway and a bottle of wine with him in the evening"), then that sounds quite troubling indeed. He isn't taking into consideration what she would like to do (though he knows her preference), he is ignoring the children's plans and excitement, and he is essentially doing something for his own benefit (the notion of wanting his wife to "look good on his arm" to somehow reflect well on him is particularly nauseating).

It is possible that his heart was in the right place and he planned the spa day thinking that it would be a thoughtful gift that the OP would really enjoy. Of course, that doesn't explain why on earth he would allow the children to make happy plans of their own without saying anything.

I don't think the OP is the least bit "spoilt" to want to spend her birthday as she chooses. Everyone should have a say in how they celebrate their birthdays.

DotForShort · 29/01/2016 14:13

And his treatment of the OP's eldest child is shabby and horrible.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 29/01/2016 14:17

waitingforsomething making a couple of phone calls (he hasn't pre paid for anything) is hardly "going all out to do something special" - especially as he hasn't actually bothered to think about what the OP would actually like to do...

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 29/01/2016 14:26

theycallmemellojello she doesn't want "the perfect special birthday" she wants to spend the day at home with her kids doing what the kids have already planned, and then have a bottle of wine and a take-away in the evening Confused if that is the definition of spoiled and the definition of reasonable is to make 3 people miserable to make one person happy, and with the one person being placitated not even being the person whose birthday it is, and spend multiple times as much money doing so, then the world has become a warped old place...

I agree you sometimes get some right spoiled bratty "Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to even though I am a 43 year old woman who should be able to cope with receiving my present imperfectly wrapped/ with my sister/ friend not flying back from her honeymoon for my 4 day mega expensive me-me-me birthday long-weekend celebration" type grown ups throwing their toys out of the pram over their own birthdays not being the centre of the universe for everyone they have ever met... but this is not one of them!

mintoil · 29/01/2016 14:26

Agree with PP that DH treatment of eldest child is shit. This alone would be sufficient to put me right off him.

Secondly, OP, who knows her DH far better than any of us do, is telling us his reason for wanting to whisk her away for a spa day is not because he thinks she will enjoy it. He knows she won't enjoy it/isn't her thing. He knows she would rather spend the day with her DC. She says he is doing it to pressurize her into a birthday shag.

I would tell him I would much rather spend the day with the DC, sorry. And I would buy myself a nice present from eldest and get a friend/family member to give it to her to give to me. Hopefully he will put your needs above his own next time.

Have a lovely day OP. Cake

HopingForBetter · 29/01/2016 14:37

Cancel the hair and make up appointment? Spend the morning with the kids, cake and candles at lunchtime (get the DGP to cook you breakfast in bed, as they are turning up at 6am). Spend afternoon in the spa with the DP and have a meal in the restaurant? Make it clear to DP that a shag is not on the cards.

chanelfreak · 29/01/2016 14:38

Just wondering whether the OPs DP felt he had to make a special, out of the ordinary gesture as it's a milestone birthday for the OP? I am still of the opinion that his heart was in the right place when he planned it, I honestly don't see anything controlling or sinister, especially if the OP never actually mentioned that she doesn't like spa days.

diddl · 29/01/2016 14:44

Well the answer is of course talk to him & find some compromise.

Preferably one that doesn't involve ILs at6am!

Can't believe that he thinks OP should be up & ready to leave the house at 6 & that his parents have agreed to be there.

Not for a spa day!

applesandpears33 · 29/01/2016 16:45

6am does seem very early. When would the IL have to get up if they were to be with you for 6am? Is it possible he has planned a weekend away somewhere abroad?

Original poster
SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 17:32

It's definitely as it sounds. He forwarded me the email confirmation showing he booked it yesterday morning, after having listened to the children planning all week. One DC is breastfed and small so we're not staying overnight and he's definitely not going to have organised a party. I have said several times over the years that I'd hate to go to a spa, unsurprisingly he's said he quite fancies it...!

In laws at 6 am is an appalling idea of a start to my birthday. Lie in, leisurely breakfast with the DC etc would have been perfect.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 29/01/2016 17:35

I honestly think you just hve to tell him "thanks but no thanks".
I would very much enjoy a spa day but would require more than one days notice (I'd have to shave everything and to feel comfortable in a bather I would want to be conscious of how much I'm eating a fee days before so I didn't have a pot belly on the go)!
Plus a 6am (or earlier) wake up on your birthday sounds ghastly!
Ring the place yourself and see if it can be rearranged to another weekend!

Goingtobeawesome · 29/01/2016 17:39

So he's using your birthday as a way to get something he wants.

NewYearSameMe · 29/01/2016 17:41

Why doesn't he go and take his mother with him? You and the DC can have a lovely lie in and child-friendly fun for the day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2016 17:42

He booked it yesterday? That's odd. Sounds like he panicked because he had nothing for a landmark birthday, did the go-to of a spa day and coincidentally it suits him (but not you) down to the ground.

I would have liked this only with DD's being in on the secret and no one at my house at 6am. WHERE is your tea in bed? WHERE IS IT?

shutupandshop · 29/01/2016 17:43

Oh fgs ltb what a dick. On a serious note, why didnt he let your chold get you a present?

EeyoresTail · 29/01/2016 18:04

Sit him down and tell him you appreciate the thought but you want to spend the day with your children. He can contact the spa to see if he can change the date.

MrsKCastle · 29/01/2016 18:07

I don't know about the spa day as a present, he could genuinely have forgotten that it wasn't your thing. But to book it after he's heard you making plans with the kids actually strikes me as quite cruel. I'd be worrying about his attitude to them, because it's clear that they want to be involved in making the day special for you, and he's just completely cut them out apparently without a thought. I can understand him wanting to spend adult time with you, but he should have balanced that with some family time.

I know that my DDs would be absolutely gutted not to spend my birthday with me- unless they had been properly prepared and knew that they would be celebrating with me at x time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2016 18:14

Booking it when he knows it not your thing, knows you and the kids planned stuff, last minute and not paid for...

In our house, we have a saying, "MouseHouse 3000" for things that look like a big deal but are actually the least possible amount of effort someone can make.

I think he MouseHouse 3000ed you.