to want to spend my birthday with my children?

[SashaFierce99]

It's my (landmark) birthday tomorrow. The children have been really excited; making cards and banners, wrapping up pass the parcel and planning games to play and so on. DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games and a surprise breakfast for tomorrow for over an hour this morning then announced that his parents (who have never babysat the dc and we see approximately five times per year) are arriving at 6 am because we're leaving then to go to a spa together for the day.

He's booked (but not paid for) massages, hair and make up appointments and then a table at a restaurant with the plan being we arrive home in time to put the dc to bed. The restaurant is in a hotel so I'm guessing he's booked a room as he keeps hinting at a surprise. I have never expressed a wish to go to a spa. I am girly but dont fuss over my appearance; I hate having my hair done and barely wear make up.

The dc all cried because they weren't 'invited to my birthday' and to be honest I'd rather be at home or wherever but with them, too. Aibu?

I think if the OP's husband was planning a surprise party, he would have let the children in on it, wouldn't he? They would be happy to stay at home and get the party ready.

Unless the kids do know about the party and are getting a little confused ? They are talking about party games etc?

How old are the kids?
There's no way my 5 year old could be trusted with a secret like that. So perhaps they don't know?

I think tbf to the DH it would be pretty difficult to temper the children's expectations without completely giving the game away and defeating the purpose of arranging a surprise.

My DD is 11.5 and has only just begun to 'get' the concept of actually keeping secrets in the last year or so. There's no way on God's green earth I would tell her if I was planning a surprise for DH!

I think if the OP's husband was planning a surprise party, he would have let the children in on it, wouldn't he?

No idea - he could have told them later with OP being unaware he's done so or he might think they won't keep the surprise.

It's not something I'd want or I'd do to another unless they had made it very plain with broad hints or outright statements that a surprise party is what they really wanted.

The crux of all of this I think, is you need to speak to you husband OP. Explain how you feel, he may reveal more about what's happening. Hope it all works out and you have a lovely birthday xxx

Muskateersmummy could be right - and the DC know and that why party games were mentioned and why DP didn't say anything to them.

Really depends on kind of man OP DP is - and she is best placed to judge that.

YANBU to feel this way - but the way you communicate it to your partner could be, if you don't tread carefully.

The fact he didn't give your eldest child the opportunity to buy you a present in the supermarket has me seething. I would combust over this. I have a child from another relationship and it would be a potentially relationship-ending apocalyptic bloodbath. But that's me. And I think that should be treated as a separate issue.

The rest of it... He has tried to do a nice thing, and make an effort. It's misguided and might suggest that he doesn't really know you very well, but it's the kind of thing my Dad would do for my Mum and they are, in every other regard, deliriously happy. He just panics when it comes to buying her presents/arranging surprises, stops seeing her as his wife and goes into 'default gift for women' mode.

Although the fact that there was already a plan in place for your day is an issue, because he knew about this and over-ruled it. So it isn't really a nice thing, it's a 'we're doing what I want to do' thing. Unless you've previously expressed upset that your birthdays aren't that special, you just end up hanging around at home...?

Fuck it. I've tried to be reasonable and give him the benefit of the doubt, because I do believe that when someone tries and goes to some effort, you shouldn't ever throw it back in their face. It is indeed the height of rudeness. But I can't get my head around how he can have been party to all of the planning and then done this. It's not necessarily how it makes YOU feel - it's your kids... Your poor kids.

I'm going to stop rambling. YANBU. I would tell him that you'd love to go out for a meal with him at night, it's lovely of him to spoil you and you really appreciate it, but you'd like your children to have the chance to spoil you too, it's important that they get to do this so they don't grow up to be monsters that only take - WE ARE FUCKING PLAYING PASS THE PARCEL.

Also - he thinks you'd like to get up at 6am on your birthday?

Yeah. No.

Ils arriving at 6am?

Happy fucking birthday!

redhat

I don't particularly like spa days. DH bought me one for some occasion or other and it took me ages to use it. In the end we went together, took a day off work and just relaxed together. It wasn't particularly about being at a spa it was the chance to be together to chill and talk and just be there without interruptions and distractions. It was lovely and we both came away feeling really connected.

redhat, you don't honestly expect OP to take your advice when you've just called her a 'spoilt princess', do you?

How is she a spoilt princess for feeling sorry for her kids, who have been dumped for the birthday celebration, after having helped plan for it?

And who the hell wants to 'connect' with their husband? Do you arrange evenings out on LinkedIn?

Hmmmm oh dear. He could have just got it completely and utterly wrong. Perhaps he asked a colleague and they suggested a spa day and spoiling you with some relaxing time? A bit silly but maybe he was trying. In terms is it controlling you, buying himself a present and the disguise of your birthday or a genuine mistake only you can decide that.

What do you do......I have no clue. If he's hinting at a surprise then there could very well be a surprise party that you and the children don't know about. I would probably tell him gently that you are really looking forward to the games with the children and make a firm plan to extend your birthday in to the next day with the children.

I would cancel the whole day out but still have dinner and maybe the over night bit? everyone wins.

diddl, I thought exactly the same thing. ILs arriving at 6am, no lie-in on your birthday, no leisurely birthday breakfast with kids (could have been a compromise for kids to be involved on the day). He sounds at best extremely thoughtless (I say this with regard to the present scenario) and at worst quite controlling. If I were you, I would say: Thanks so much, but I'd really like to spend some of the day with the kids (maybe till luncthime), and please take dc1 to buy me something as it is very important for him/ her.

YANBU but your husband is and I'd have gone mad about him treating the children differently!

We have 5DC all mine,my DH is only the biological Father to our youngest,but he is Dad to all of our 5DC.He never treats any of the children differently and he never would,he hates it when he hears about some of our DC friends being treated different within they're own home because one of the parents didn't help make them.

I'd be pulling him up on that and I'd tell him that I'd planned on spending the day with the children.You need to tell him now so that he can cancel his parents coming and he can cancel the spa and the restaurant.

My DH was going to book a spa weekend for me once before for a birthday but he did check with me first thankfully.I've had a few friends that were going to book us all into one before as well but it's really not my thing.
I think your plans for your birthday with your children sound lovely.

I can't think of much worse than a spa day.

But then I am spoiled.

I tell my family what's happening on my birthday & I make sure it does!

I think that if husband knows that OP wants to be with her kids then it is horrible to make plans to take her away for the day.

As for how he treated his stepchild...

You think he could spare a fiver for the dc that isn't his could choose a gift? I feel sorry for your eldest. Why would he make her feel excluded like that?

reported the bizarre spam

YANBU OP! It's your birthday, you'd made plans with your dc, and he's swopped in with something that don't even want, at the eleventh hour. He may be misguidedly trying to do a lovely thing for you - or it may be something a bit more sinister and destructive. It has upset your dc, and you can't ignore that, IMO.

His treatment of your older child would give me serious doubts about him to be quite honest - we're not a grand gesture type of family - we tend to arrange birthdays together. Sometimes it'll be something with the kids, sometimes just us - either way it's something we both want to do, and the kids never feel left out.

And you sound very,very far from a spoilt princess - whoever said that lacks comprehension skills.

A lot of people are projecting because they would love/hate a spa day. Clearly the OP is not keen on a spa day. And those who are keen on spa days - would you be overjoyed at being told you have to have your hair done there? Some people like to go to a hairdresser they know and trust. Personally, I can't think of anything duller than spending a day in a spa. If my DH wanted to 'connect' with me, I assume he would choose an activity he knows we both like - being dull people, we would probably go and visit a castle or a museum, and then sit in a coffee shop reading books or chatting. And he wouldn't expect me to be welcoming my inlaws at 6am on my birthday. Because, annoying though he may be, and we don't always get on brilliantly, he knows that I am who I am and he can't palm me off with a stereotypical 'something for the ladies' present.

And now I realise that I have projected my own feelings as well

I think it depends why he has done this. My H often bought stupidly expensive presents that I don't want. I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose, although he would never admit that even to himself. Basically it was a stick to beat me with, starting with the moment that it was given, he would complain that the present that I had given him was shit because his to me cost so much more. Then he would complain (sometimes for years) that I didn't use the present, didn't express enough gratitude for the present, that every other woman in the entire world would have loved the present so I must be a weirdo.

The type of people on this thread who feel that you are ungrateful and spoilt were wonderful fuel to my DH. He would tell people that he had bought me 'X' if he knew that they were the type of person who like that sort of thing, and they would say that they would have loved someone to buy that for them, then he would be able to come home and tell me that specific people thought I was just pretending not to like the present to be horrible to him or some other shit that they probably hadn't actually said.

Anyway, no actual help with what you should do, but you should probably decide soon so that you can tell his parents if they don't need to get up before dawn. Don't wait until everybody is there and cranky with lack of sleep to let it all kick off.

He probably asked on here what to do for your birthday. It's usually a chorus of "spa day" no matter what the original problem was.

and for you on your birthday weekend.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I really doubt there's some sinister ulterior motive to taking you to a spa and not sure why you have to be "girly" to enjoy one. I think it's really horrible to act like him organising a day out and possibly a stay over is intended to insult you or upset the kids. It's not U to want to spend birthday with the kids, but it's massively unreasonable and churlish to be resentful of not having the perfect special birthday you want rather than just being grateful for the one that's on offer.

I also think that you can manage the kids' disappointment by just saying that you're going to have a family celebration when you get back. They're not going to suffer by you going away for one day and one night.

Wrt him not getting your eldest a present is as others have said potentially more serious. Is it possible he would have thought that his/her father would be getting him a present to give you?

That's why the only explanation for me is a surprise party. Why on earth else would anyone want to get their make up done, and their hair. At a spa day? Especially as op isn't in to that sort of thing.

I hope I'm not building up expectations on this. But report back OP, please and tell me if I'm right.