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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend my birthday with my children?

154 replies

SashaFierce99 · 29/01/2016 11:26

It's my (landmark) birthday tomorrow. The children have been really excited; making cards and banners, wrapping up pass the parcel and planning games to play and so on. DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games and a surprise breakfast for tomorrow for over an hour this morning then announced that his parents (who have never babysat the dc and we see approximately five times per year) are arriving at 6 am because we're leaving then to go to a spa together for the day.

He's booked (but not paid for) massages, hair and make up appointments and then a table at a restaurant with the plan being we arrive home in time to put the dc to bed. The restaurant is in a hotel so I'm guessing he's booked a room as he keeps hinting at a surprise. I have never expressed a wish to go to a spa. I am girly but dont fuss over my appearance; I hate having my hair done and barely wear make up.

The dc all cried because they weren't 'invited to my birthday' and to be honest I'd rather be at home or wherever but with them, too. Aibu?

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 29/01/2016 12:13

I think a 'spoilt princess' would love the spa day with make up and hair appointments.

It's a difficult one to judge without knowing what he is normally like.

Personally, I like spa treatments but would rather choose my own and I loathe the thought of anyone deciding I needed my hair or make up done.

At the very least, it sounds poorly thought out as you've never expressed an interest in going to a spa.

I would maybe agree a compromise and forget the treatments and spend the early part of the day with dcs, and then do the dinner (and overnight, if arranged) with him.

However, that's based on the fact that I would love time alone with my dh and the fact that you don't seem to feel the same might say something about your relationship.

In general though, I think surprises are a bad idea and you should have the final say in how you spend your birthday without being made to feel guilty.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/01/2016 12:13

I didn't miss that, Birds.

What kind of plonker is he? He listens to you and the dc making excited plans for your landmark birthday and proceeds to do a demolition job on them . And,for good measure, he leaves your dc, the child that isn't his, without a gift to wrap and give you because he didn't make sufficient time in the supermarket(!) for her to choose one.

Tell him where to put his spa day or, better still, tell him take his dps and be sure to stay overnight because there's no way he'll be getting a shag this weekend.

Insensitve twat!

MooseAndSquirrel · 29/01/2016 12:15

Really confused by you being called spoilt op, or the suggestion that this is a nice plan - like you should be grateful.
So ur oh told your DD that she could pick a present and then went back on it. So she has nothing to give you and is upset?! That's really horrible and tbh a deal breaker for me if someone made my child feel like that! Something like that would really upset my eldest.

Your meant to be grateful to do the opposite of what you want for your birthday, again at the determent of your kids? How selfish of you for not being happy at your partners choice, sounds lovely Hmm

Id tell him he was out of order re: Your eldest & take her out yourself today. And enjoy your birthday with your kids!

Lightbulbon · 29/01/2016 12:18

You sound totally out of sync.

I get the feeling there are other things about him you don't like but this birthday issue has just brought it to a head.

MaxPepsi · 29/01/2016 12:19

Really? In our family dh/I decide what we (the family) are doing and tell our kids. They get a say but not the final one - it's a family, not a democracy.

Yes really, in OP's scenario he has decided unilaterally what OP will do on her own birthday. He has decided it is a democracy. He's sat there and listened to the kids excitedly plan what to do for their mums birthday and instead of taking them to one side and explaining what is going to happen and suggest alternatives for them he's dropped it on them without any warning.

He's at best got caught up in the moment and been unthinking and at worst he's a twat!

BertPuttocks · 29/01/2016 12:22

Your birthday should me about making you happy (depending on finances, circumstances etc).

The spa day is the equivalent of me booking a day for my DH to go and watch a Premiership football team play. Many men would think that sounded fantastic. Dh has zero interest in football and would hate it. Would that make dh a "pampered prince" for preferring to do something else?

If you'd rather be at home, tell your dp that you don't want to go. The day shouldn't be about him planning to get his leg over.

lostInTheWash · 29/01/2016 12:22

A SPA day would be my idea of hell - I'd expect DH to know that. Not all women like the idea.

A SPA day isn't the OP idea of a good time and she prefer to spend it with her children - but that is being selfish. She must suck up doing something she doesn't want on her birthday in preference to doing something she'd enjoy else she is selfish.

Is it just me or is that logic really twisted ?

Praise the effort and thought if it's been there - but you should be able to say no thanks my idea of hell can we do something else without being called selfish or at very least have a conversation along those lines with out the your selfish card being pulled.

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:26

I don't particularly like spa days. DH bought me one for some occasion or other and it took me ages to use it. In the end we went together, took a day off work and just relaxed together. It wasn't particularly about being at a spa it was the chance to be together to chill and talk and just be there without interruptions and distractions. It was lovely and we both came away feeling really connected.

Don't focus on the spa, focus on the fact that your DH wanted to spend time with you. Plenty of husbands don't want to spend time with their wives. He could perhaps have stepped in sooner with the children planning the breakfast but was probably weighing up whether to say anything and spoil what he thinks is going to be a wonderful surprise for you.

chanelfreak · 29/01/2016 12:26

Does your DH know you hate/aren't interested in spa days? If yes, then YANBU. If you have never mentioned it, then I think you are being a bit U and as another poster said, you can have the nice family day with the DCs on Sunday.
I wouldn't have said you were selfish though.

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:28

Clearly a fundamental difference in approach. If someone I love buys me a present I don't like I would pretend I loved it. Not say "no thanks".

redhat · 29/01/2016 12:29

I didn't say selfish (someone else might have) I said spoilt. You seem to be punishing him for getting it wrong. Would you have reacted in the same way if he'd planned a day doing something you've always wanted to do?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/01/2016 12:31

I think he's tried to do a nice thing.

Could you compromise and come back earlier, have a birthday tea and games with the kids? They can stay up later on a Saturday.

MrsJorahMormont · 29/01/2016 12:31

Are you sure he hasn't booked a surprise party AT the hotel if it's a big birthday? Maybe he is giving you the chance to get dressed up, then he has booked a meal for the whole family in the restaurant, including his parents?

TooMuchOfEverything · 29/01/2016 12:32

YANBU

In my relationship if one is going to surprise the other, its still kind of booked in advance - as in 'keep x date free', and CRUCIALLY it is something the recipient wants!!

DH knows exactly what I want to do for my next big birthday, it is a family orientated thing, and I'd be really upset if he tried to change it into something based around him getting a shag.

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/01/2016 12:32

bert oddly I was about to say the same thing about my DH! I'd far prefer to go to a Premiership game than a spa. Think DH would prefer the spa. Just because I'm female and he's male doesn't mean we're necessarily interested in certain things.

I can't tell if he's coming across rather thoughtless or a complete idiot. I think you're just going to have to tell him thanks but no thanks. Or maybe he can go to the spa with his mum and you can have a day with your kids?

MrsJorahMormont · 29/01/2016 12:33

Also is he your DC's father? If not, that sheds a slightly different light on things.

Fishface77 · 29/01/2016 12:33

Are there other issues op?
Has he treated your DC differently to his before?

StrictlyMumDancing · 29/01/2016 12:35

Ooooh I hope MrsJ is right. Though in my experience of surprise parties it helps if you plan an activity they'll love/do something normal in the day so they don't twig.

Muskateersmummy · 29/01/2016 12:35

This seems tricky to me. Is it possible that he booked the spa etc before the children began their plans? There's then no way he can mention it to the kids or you without ruining his surprise.

I don't think it's seems controlling or thoughtless, lots people like to be whisked away for dinner and a pamper, he probably thought you would too. Unless you have told him you hate that stuff.

I'm kind of with Redhat on this one. I would love it if my dh surprised me with a day out for my birthday, wouldn't be a huge surprise if he has already said keep the day free. I would do something with dc over the weekend when you get back. Extend your birthday for a few days...

The present thing is a little odd, out of interest how old are the dc?

Muskateersmummy · 29/01/2016 12:36

Throughthickandthins compromise sounds good

ImperialBlether · 29/01/2016 12:36

No, redhat, she's annoyed because she and the children had plans for the day which he knew about but completely ignored in favour of her spending a day she wouldn't enjoy away from her children. At no point has he taken her opinion into account. There's no way he could have thought, "She'd love a spa day, away from the children" when he's listened for an hour to her talking to the children about their plans for the day.

Scholes34 · 29/01/2016 12:37

Is this how Rob Titchener's going to be behaving once his DS is born?

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:39

I would put money on it Scholes.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:40

Doing "nice" things can be controlling.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/01/2016 12:40

Did he know you had plans with the Dc?