to want to spend my birthday with my children?

[SashaFierce99]

It's my (landmark) birthday tomorrow. The children have been really excited; making cards and banners, wrapping up pass the parcel and planning games to play and so on. DP let one dc pick me a present from the supermarket this morning when we were shopping but not my eldest (not his) who's since been crying about it. He listened to them planning party games and a surprise breakfast for tomorrow for over an hour this morning then announced that his parents (who have never babysat the dc and we see approximately five times per year) are arriving at 6 am because we're leaving then to go to a spa together for the day.

He's booked (but not paid for) massages, hair and make up appointments and then a table at a restaurant with the plan being we arrive home in time to put the dc to bed. The restaurant is in a hotel so I'm guessing he's booked a room as he keeps hinting at a surprise. I have never expressed a wish to go to a spa. I am girly but dont fuss over my appearance; I hate having my hair done and barely wear make up.

The dc all cried because they weren't 'invited to my birthday' and to be honest I'd rather be at home or wherever but with them, too. Aibu?

You don't sound remotely spoiled of princess-y, OP, merely baffled, as I think anyone would be, at the sudden production of a birthday 'treat' that involves an entire day dedicated to things that don't interest you at all (especially when an entire marketing system exists to peddle spa says otherwise known as washing and making yourself look more visually attractive as a TREAT, something FOR YOU.

The hair and makeup appointments are particularly weird, to me - getting my hair done is a tiresome routine maintenance operation, far as I'm concerned.

Doesn't this man know you at all? Why buy you something you're patently uninterested in?

I agree that the AIBU here isn't really "AIBU not to feel happy about my DH has booking me a surprise spa day" ...

It is far more of an AIBU about the way the DH treats the kids and seems to trample somewhat on their feelings , or at least not to take the DC's feelings, and Sasha 's feelings for the DC into consideration...

Allowing his "blood" DC to buy her a present and not his step DC is clearly part of the whole scenario, as is the fact he has apparently not made any attempt to make this right with the children or even pre-brief them and get them to accept it rather than be upset and leave the fall-out for Sasha to deal with, despite having heard all their plans...

It may not be "controlling" but it does sound as if Sasha's DH has planned a rather inconsiderate birthday surprise - what his motivations are nobody on here can really guess, but if Sasha thinks he has basically booked her a makeover followed by a shag with him, then it sounds rather as if the present chosen largely for his own benefit... if he'd booked her a day driving rally cars even though she has no interest in driving or rallying but he's always fancied rally driving, it wouldn't be a that different...

I have a bit of sympathy with you because dh recently got me a spa day (on my own) for my birthday. I'd just been with my friends so it wasn't a massive treat if you know what I mean. Your dh does sound like he's made a bit of effort here but it's a bit thoughtless doing it on your actual birthday. My dcs are teenagers and they would be upset if we left them out as well so I'd imagine little ones will take it even worse.

Aw! No yanbu! I had tears in my eyes hearing about your little loveys getting excited for you! The sweet little darlings! Absolutely stay with your children. He should have asked you and to not give your other child a chance to buy something for you is very bad form.

I don't know who said 'spoiled princess' but here have this! It's your birthday op and it's ok to want to stay with your kids. He shouldn't have announced it in front of them, that what quite unthinking, he should have told you first and broke it to them gently (if you wanted to go).

I'm advocating that she talks to her DP - not sit around seething or reject the present out of hand.

You didn't just accept your spa day you adjusted it so you went with your DH - or at least that is how it reads to me from what you've written redhat.

Compromises possible here are they do something big with DC another times and tell DC that or delay spa date. Assuming her DP isn't being a twat and has tried to do something really nice for her.

Yes I usually say thank you for presents even if I hate them - but here it not only upset the OP DC it's also going to impact on her time - and it's not like she can accept present and go when convenient or not bother.

I think too many people rely on people being polite about presents that cost the recipient time or money rather than being a pleasure.

I spend every birthday with my ds and he loves it. I don't have a partner but if I do in future I will expect him to respect that and be content with seeing me in the evening/coming second to my plans with ds. If I were in the op's situation I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't go.

Are you sure he hasn't booked a surprise party AT the hotel if it's a big birthday? Maybe he is giving you the chance to get dressed up, then he has booked a meal for the whole family in the restaurant, including his parents?

^ this. Though still don't know why he didn't assist your DC with covert present buying, so a bit on the fence really.

We all get presents wrong sometimes - more often than we think I expect. (There are always threads about how wrong someone else has got it complete with how "thoughtless" they are -- but never from any giver of gifts - obviously - who all think they have been so thoughtful! ).

It sounds as if there are bigger problems in the relationship but the spa day is a lovely idea - and not an unusual one - he is trying to do something for you as a woman/his wife/his lover rather than just "mum". He has involved the DC - (games and presents). The confusion in the supermarket sounds just like redhat said - a timing thing - certainly not deliberate. (He asked your child to choose and she didn't and they ran out of time).

He called in a favour to babysit - but not any old weirdo - family who both know and love the DC.

You say you want "less" - but you want everyone else to do what you want - fair enough but it isn't the DH in that case is controlling.

'I am so lucky to have a whole birthday weekend! Today I'm spending a grown up day with DH and then tomorrow we are all going to have cake and games and balloons and a lovely walk in the park and then a lovely family film.'

..as you leave slip the GPs a fiver and ask them to take oldest child to the local shop as they are a bit sad they haven't had chance to get you anything.
In a few weeks ask your DH never to do this again, but not in the middle of the celebrations and not in the middle of a fight.

redhat, I completely agree with you and think this thread is absolutely mad.

I can't imagine that a woman posting on here who had gone to trouble and expense to arrange something for a man's birthday would be told they were out of order and controlling if the reaction to said plan was to moan it wasn't what they wanted, too expensive and that they weren't bothered about spending time as a couple so they should cancel it. In fact, if we were told about a man reacting to a well intentioned birthday surprise like this then I suspect he would probably be called an ungrateful abusive arse and his DP would be told to LTB.

It's just rude. A well intentioned but misjudged birthday surprise should be accepted with good grace and you should pretend you like it and smile through gritted teeth. Throwing a tantrum because you haven't got what you wanted is spoilt and princessy even if what you do want is simpler and less girly.

The birthday with the children could be held the next day. The incident with the present sounds like time simply overtook them and the child overreacted in a way he couldn't really have anticipated.

TBH I agree with people saying there are bigger problems in this relationship. If the OP is this affronted at the idea of spending time alone with her partner and views him doing something nice for them as a couple as being 'after a shag' there is something very, very wrong.

Honestly, I've seen some bizarre shit on Mumsnet, but calling a man a complete bastard for trying to arrange a nice break and birthday surprise really takes the biscuit.

It sounds to me like you don't want to go and spend your birthday night boffing your dh in a hotel room.

If you don't get much time away from the children to be adults and have private time then not wanting to seems like there's something else going on (like resentment)

If you're at it all the time and usually very intimate and happy please ignore my comments

Actually you can book a spa day in about 30 seconds. It's not something that you have to go to any trouble to organise.

Organising baby sitters? Searching for somewhere nice? Putting in the thought? He intends to pay for it.

I am absolutely certain you wouldn't dismiss a woman's efforts to do something like that as nothing Imperial

Sorry, DH sounds awful, not thinking what you would really want. My DH knows I don't give a hoot about spas and couldn't contemplate a celebration like this without our wonderful DDs. He wouldn't enjoy it either. Making your DCs cry - isn't it obvious that is really going to spoil your birthday??

I wouldn't think much of a present that wasn't at all what the receiver wanted, though, particularly if the one thing she did want was to spend the day with her children. The OP has specifically said she hates getting her hair done and rarely wears makeup - how is his gift a thoughtful one?

Are you sure you won't be coming back to a surprise party at your house?

You would think that, if he knew he was taking you out all day, that he might have forewarned the children rather than let them down like this. Their pleasure in preparing for your birthday has now been ruined. :(

I would hate the "treat" he has planned for you as well - and let's face it, for himself too! - and yes, would rather spend it with the children, especially as they've put so much effort into it!

He might have thought he was doing something nice for you - but he can't know you very well if he got it so wrong, which is a bit of a worry in itself.

Since he hasn't paid for any of it, either only go for half a day, or sack it off and do the family thing.

If one party made all day plans for the other party's birthday despite knowing that person already had plans they were happy with, and without discussing those alternate plans until the day before, I would say that the first party was out of order whether a man or a woman.

but you want everyone else to do what you want - fair enough but it isn't the DH in that case is controlling.

I must be a controlling bitch - I told everyone we've have junk food and watch a film with popcorn for my birthday as that what I wanted to so on my birthday and everyone was happy to go along.

I asked DH what he wanted to do - ran few suggestions past him for his and we did that.

DH did do a surprise one year- a short trip away but he sounded the idea out just not for my birthday to me to gauge interest and it was somewhere we both wanted to go. So OP had your DP dropped any hints this was what he was planning?

Mind you I expect DH to remember my birthday, make an effort like I do for his and want to spend time with me as well as our DC. I just find the idea I'm supposed to be pathetically grateful that those expectations are met to point what I want or feel doesn't matter odd.

Good question hellsbells.

Assuming your DH is normally a thoughtful type and treats your eldest well, I think momb has the right approach.

I can see where you are coming from re the treatments - I quite like some but I hate having my hair done and would be sorely tempted to deck DH if he arranged such a thing as a 'treat'!

Hope you manage to sort it out and have a lovely birthday weekend .

Erm, OK

So he's listened to the DC getting excited and, presumably, instead of managing their expectations, has gone ahead and booked something that he knows isn't really "you". He hasn't bothered to include the DC (who he knows would be upset) and, to top it all off, he excluded your DC from the whole "present buying" thing, causing further upset.

Sorry op but this sounds like a mahoosive red flag. He actually doesn't sound like a particularly nice person

I'd be trying to sounding him out as much as possible about any possible surprised parties as well - but then I'd want to look pleased for the guests and not show my true horror at prospect - possibly want to consider that OP.

I don't think your husband is evil, just planning a birthday that he'd like if he was you (iykwim).
TBH, I'd also be wondering if this is the build up to a suprise party. Could the grandparents be getting the house ready while you're away getting ready?
Even if not, I think you can either throw your rattle out of your pram, announce that this isn't the present you've always hoped for and refuse to go. Or plan a special day on sunday for your kids to celebrate with you and go with a good attitude.

Unless there is more going on with him telling your older child that he'd run out of time in the shop, so can't get you a present, I think it's just a one off that was handled badly.

He could have tempered your kids excitement much earlier if he already had plans.