Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset at my DS 4's school

315 replies

MrsBB1982 · 21/01/2016 21:16

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 23/01/2016 10:12

I'd be looking for a good state reception class. Emphasis on play and child-initiated activities and with the breadth of experience to appreciate and celebrate the differences that exist between all children who might be chronologically the same age.

mummytime · 23/01/2016 10:26

Apply to your local state schools, they will probably fill any vacancies as soon as they happen.

BTW my local very academic Private schools do not treat 4 year olds like this. Lots of play, and at 4 very little changing of teachers (sometimes the form teacher is still in the too even if having Music or French by a specialist).

sarahbanshee · 23/01/2016 10:27

Suspended?!? Aged 4?!?!?

This is so hard for you but you have to trust yourself and your decisions. He will miss things about the school but his overall wellbeing surely will benefit from being away from this horrible, corrosive and crushing atmosphere.

PerspicaciaTick · 23/01/2016 10:38

You simply cannot allow him to be labelled as stupid, difficult, immature or any of the other messages the school seem so keen to share directly with him. If he comes to believe any of this, then it will colour his entire experience of education from here on in.
Suspension? At 4 yo? What options does this leave them with for maintaining discipline as the children get older?

He is a bright, normal, sweet little four year old and he really does deserve so much better than this school is offering him.

ShoppingBasket · 23/01/2016 10:41

Oh my word. Suspended?!?! For BEING a 4 year old? I wouldn't be able to sit still on the carpet and not fidget or not smile at a friend (and I'm in my 30's) and I also work in Reception class. We are humans not robots. He is a baby still and doesn't need this confidence knocking at a vital stage in his life. Please take him out before there is irreparable damage in his adult life.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/01/2016 11:42

MrsB82. I had an awful teacher in reception. And even though . I'm now 40. I can still remember her as clear as day
It got to the point where I used to vomit and shake going into school. I was an extremely shy and nervous child, Possibly brought on by this teacher. She was always putting me down .eg That picture is horrible. Reception is the most important school year that moulds a childs schooling. My year 1 or rather middles as it was known then was the opposite very patient and nurturing. The way a teacher should be, and she seemed to take me under her wing because. I was so nervous.
Please remove your DS from this toxic school. If they can't handle a 4 year old basically being a 4 year old. Then they're in the wrong vocation. Suspending a 4 year old FFS. They must be high on glue.
A 4 year old wouldn't even know what a suspension is. It'd just be a day off with mum to him. A child usually gets suspended when they've seriously broken school rules or put other pupils and staff in danger. How could a 4 year old seriously break rules.

LittleBearPad · 23/01/2016 11:44

Suspended!

Have you spoken to the headmaster at all about what he hopes to achieve with suspending a four year old.

Move him and post the name of this school in code so others can avoid it

starry0ne · 23/01/2016 12:00

what an earth was he suspended for?

The thing with your DS... does not know how happy he can be at school...How much fun he can have in reception..

How was your DS over Christmas knowing he didn't have to go to school..

Making friends at 4 is so easy.. When a new child starts at school they are very excited to have someone new to play with..

nowirehangers · 23/01/2016 12:01

Agree, your boy says he wants to go back because the school's all he knows and he doesn't want to cause further upset, but you MUST move him asap. Honestly it is for the best. Shocked any parent thinks they are getting a good education for their child in such an environment.

Jux · 23/01/2016 12:34

You can tell him that the nursery need a strong sensible boy to help with the littler ones there, and they wondered if he would be kind enough to leave school for the moment and help at nursery.

landrover · 23/01/2016 12:43

I would take him out and send him to a different school next september. You can now do this if they are Summer born. He just sounds still a little young. But I wouldn't leave him there!

pudcat · 23/01/2016 12:50

Suspended at 4 for not sitting still. This school is teaching by fear. Take him out now. If it was my child I would give up work to be at home with him.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/01/2016 13:00

Great idea, Pud, but not every one has that luxury do they. To just be able to give up work, as much as they'd love to.

IonaNE · 23/01/2016 13:20

Only read the first page, but to be fair if his behaviour is an issue, then I presume the other 4-year-olds are able to concentrate longer. OP, if he was born in August and is "energetic" and concentration has been an issue, why did you not keep him back a year?

pudcat · 23/01/2016 13:22

Great idea, Pud, but not every one has that luxury do they. To just be able to give up work, as much as they'd love to. No I suppose not but at least they would be saving private school fees.

IonaNE · 23/01/2016 17:15

Suspended at 4 for not sitting still. This school is teaching by fear.
I'm sorry, pudcat, but some 4-year-olds sit still and concentrate without being afraid of anything.

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 23/01/2016 18:42

I can't just leave work unfortunately. I'm in a training post with another 5 years left plus I have to give a minimum of 3 months notice.

ionaNE there was no issue with him at nursery. We were under the impression from school it was a more fluid class structure which we felt would suit him.

We had no reason to expect this to happen. If we did then surely we would have done things differently.

Our issue is more the way it's being handled. He's not the only boy in his class with 'issues' it's just we've decided it is ridiculous and possibly damaging to leave him there.

We've agreed with his nusery that he'd be going back as a helper as a pp mentioned. So far he's bought into the idea

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 23/01/2016 18:46

Also ionaNE whether his behaviour stands out as particularly poor or not I believe the school has handled it badly

  • The head has been NC since our first chat early in the first term. Surely he should be contacting us if DS needs to be sent to him
  • sending a 4 year old to the head in their own
  • the terminology used - bad naughty disruptive problematic lazy are but a few that we've caught wind of
  • the seeming lack of interest from anyone except his form teacher to try and rectify this

We get the feeling they have 'checked out ' and just want him gone. But the worst thing the head could have done was make leaving like a punishment and that he'll never see his friends again. It's made our job of extracting him much harder

OP posts:
RumbleMum · 23/01/2016 18:47

That sounds great OP - well done for the way you have handled this. Flowers

RumbleMum · 23/01/2016 18:49

X-post - you certainly do have a much harder job thanks to the head. But you've tackled it well and hopefully his confidence will recover.

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 23/01/2016 18:54

Thanks rumblemum. I hope his confidence does recover. I now fully understand the term deflates. This normally cheerful chatty lad who enjoys company is walking round like someone has stuck a pin in him - slumped, head down, limp arms. That's now right. I keep crying just thinking about it

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/01/2016 18:57

What does the school's Ofsted report say (there will be one for Early Years)? You could raise concerns with them about structure and discipline. Don't bother with ISI it is a self regulating organisation.

Lndnmummy · 23/01/2016 19:08

op, he will recover. You have done the right thing. When my son was three he was being very badly treated at his nursery. Always on naughty chair, time out, told he was naughty etc. he used to come home and say "i dont get cuddles, i am not a good boy" etc etc. his confidence was shattered. He was anxious and angry. We had him assessed for adhd. I posted about it on here at the time. In the end we pulled him out and that was the making of him. He is in a new nursery now and we have our happy little boy back.
You have done the right thing, all will be well. It is not your son, it is the school. All will be well.

Lndnmummy · 23/01/2016 19:10

I know how you feel OP, it is so emotional to see your little boy like that, deflated and defeated. He will get back to his old self. I promise.

TheNoodlesIncident · 23/01/2016 19:16

I read your OP and wondered if I'd time-slipped to 1850... double geography! Double maths!! Shock So glad you're taking him out

Swipe left for the next trending thread