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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset at my DS 4's school

315 replies

MrsBB1982 · 21/01/2016 21:16

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/01/2016 09:16

Oh I think that HT teacher needs to give his/her head a wobble. Violent because he pushed a child. Children push and hit each other all the time. FFS. It's just s part of development and growing up. If they were going to suspended every child for pushing another child. They'd have no children in the school.

sadwidow28 · 26/01/2016 01:43

We've agreed with his nursery that he'd be going back as a helper as a pp mentioned

That is exactly how to handle the situation. Well done to you and the nursery for finding a way forward that doesn't deflate DS.

He's just the sort of little shit who would make DSs life a misery

Then that little shit shouldn't be left in a place of responsibility where he can bully 4 year olds. Get your DS out and then PM me.

They don't have an Ofsted report. Is that odd? I guess it means I can't report my concerns to them

Call me a cynic but the Head is an inspector for ISI so I expect they won't be interested

Trust me - Ofsted and ISI are interested. The Head can bluff and filibuster all he wants but it won't get past a parental complaint that is evidential.

ChristineDePisan · 26/01/2016 02:19

Even if they are normally inspected by ISI, Ofsted can inspect if they have grounds to do so. I think from what you have said that they will look to ISI to investigate the complaint in the first place, but they do have powers to inspect the school if necessary. But not having an Ofsted inspection isn't itself cause for concern.

Jux · 26/01/2016 08:52

I'm so glad nursery were able to agree to my idea, and really hope it works out well. Curious about how it goes, particularly as I wish I had done the same for dd, but didn't think of it back then!

Namechange02 · 26/01/2016 08:53

A 4 year old SUSPENDED for pushing? Wow, just wow.

I'm not sure my dc would have ever been in school. Along with about half the class! Even in their secondary which does suspend for violent conduct, a bit of pushing would be a detention at most.

With it being a private school is there a notice period for fees? It doesn't sound like the school hasn't kept its side of the bargain eg "nurturing environment". If you take him out now they're getting most of this term's fees anyway.

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 27/01/2016 08:17

They've waived and more fees. Probably they just want us to go quietly without a fuss....

His last day today. Pretty emotional packing him off

OP posts:
pudcat · 27/01/2016 09:09

His last day today. Pretty emotional packing him off Bit puzzled as to why you have sent the poor little mite. Are you not worried that the head will get at him today and make his last day there miserable by making an example of him. I can just imagine him going into their class and saying to them all. "Look at little BB. He cannot sit still. He has pushed someone. So he has to leave our school. This will happen to anyone else who will not behave."

Lindy2 · 27/01/2016 09:18

Don't feel sad about him leaving. I think once you have settled into your new routine you will all be much happier. I also think that once you have found a new good and caring school for him you will be absolutely shocked at how bad his current school is. At the moment you don't have anything to compare it to.

LittleBearPad · 27/01/2016 09:36

Don't be sad about him leaving. In all likelihood in a few days time he'll be back at his nursery, full of beans and back to his normal self.

I doubt the headmaster will do anything. The potential bad publicity were he to do anything so mean would be very bad for the school.

Blu · 27/01/2016 10:10

I am glad you are pulling him out, OP.

Do not name this school here if you are making a complaint, or at all using this username as you will be very identifiable to the school.

NoSquirrels · 27/01/2016 11:18

You'll look back on this time in the future, OP, and know you did the right thing for your DS. When he's settled in a new school eventually this will all seem like a distant time. Your DS probably won't remember it at all when he grows up. Well done for making tough choices.

FlamingoFandango · 27/01/2016 11:24

I'm glad you've come to decision so quickly and that your little boy will hopefully be in a happier environment soon.

I would urge you to make complaints through any official channels that are open to you tbh - this 'school' sounds like an utter hell-hole for small children with a head who probably shouldn't be working with other humans, let alone kids.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 27/01/2016 13:29

Well done MrsBB. A brave decision and FWIW I think you're being fabulous parents to your DS. Hope you find him a school that he will love and feel free to be himself.

Put everything in a letter to ISI and OFSTED. it'll be cathartic for you and may save another child such miserable treatment.

I'm sure you'll have your happy boy back soon.

Enkopkaffetak · 27/01/2016 15:39

Good luck mrxB

stealthsquiggle · 27/01/2016 15:59

OP - I hope they haven't made you sign a confidentiality agreement as part of waiving fees, because this place sounds awful, and the EYFS provision absolutely should be being inspected by ofsted. It couldn't sound any more different from Reception at my DC's independent (preprep/prep) school.

Even if they do have some sort of gagging order, there must be a mechanism for anonymous complaints to ofsted?

squizita · 27/01/2016 15:59

MrsBB TBH a large class state primary might be better than this school.

They're catering to what a certain type of well off parent wants and TBH it's not how kids that age learn.

Fretfulparent · 27/01/2016 17:00

Once a headteacher has labeled a child negatively you have no hope of that label ever being removed. You did the right thing. His self confidence will be rock bottom but in the right enviroment it will improve again. Good luck in finding a far better school where pupils are respected and cherished as individuals.

starry0ne · 27/01/2016 17:25

A big step but definitely a positive one..

Hope he enjoys been a helper at nursery

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 27/01/2016 22:32

Thank you all. On my way home after a pretty gruelling 15 hour shift in the hospital. Just want to hug my DS

OP posts:
DottyBlue2 · 28/01/2016 20:13

Don't mention the school AT ALL OP - there are rules for defamation and slander, even if you feel that you're completely vindicated for naming the school. They won't see it like that and sadly they have easy access to solicitors.

Good luck, take care, hug your boy and I hope all goes well for you all in the future.

Jux · 29/01/2016 11:43

Good luck to you and your little ds. Cake is a requirement.

PourMeSomethingStronger · 29/01/2016 12:01

I've only just seen this thread op, and I can't believe what they've put your little boy through at that school. It sounds awful. My DS is also in reception this year and he has mainly played and learnt through play with lots of fun themes and activities. There has even been a day when he took himself off for a little nap in the corner as it all got a bit too much! Did the school send him to the headteacher? No! They realised he is 4 and adjusting to a new environment. My heart breaks for your son going through this. I just hope he enjoys his time back at nursery as a helper and you find him another school to fit his personality soon. I think you have been wonderful for standing up for your son against this bullying sort of behaviour from the school.

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 29/01/2016 15:13

It's like a new (actually more accurate would be to say old) boy. He's spent the last 2 days at home with me and DD. I don't think he's experienced relief before but he certainly has now

OP posts:
Jux · 29/01/2016 17:40

Grin I'm very glad to read that.

Lndnmummy · 29/01/2016 18:00

Great mrsbb! So pleased. With my son too, the change was immediate. You have done the right thing xx