To be so upset at my DS 4's school

[MrsBB1982]

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

[MrsBB1982]

I think it's the teachers that do his other classes that send him although it's all very vague

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

If you decide to move him (I think you should, it sounds awful) be very careful how you position it with him. He is already saying things about "having to leave" (put in his head by the HT I suppose). Try to make it very clear if you move him that you are rejecting the school, as not suitable for him, and this is no punishment or judgement of him. Don't let him think he is not "good enough"

[CoraPirbright]

Have you thought about him repeating the year? He is SO young! It is quite easy & not uncommon in the private sector. Sounds to me like he would benefit and the more mature they get, the more they understand about concentrating and are better able to not fidget etc.

[MrsBB1982]

Thank you everyone. I'm normally a pretty level headed person (I think!) But this as got me in pieces. I'm crying left right and centre. My DH and I have even talked about whether we should take him to the GP in case he's got ASD/ADHD but maybe he's just at the active end of normal!

[pudcat]

*I think it's the teachers that do his other classes that send him# It gets worse. 4 year olds need the stabilty of their own teacher - not to have to get used to teachers for different subjects. ~It sounds horrendous

[Smartiepants79]

This is not a good school. I teach in reception. The children spend no more than 15 minutes at anyone time sitting still and concentrating. A good early years setting should be at least 80% child led activities. They should also have free access to an outside space for at least 80% of their day. (I've sort of made those figures up but you get my point!!)
This setting is goin against all good early years practice and would fail an ofsted.
Look elsewhere.

[jelliebelly]

I'd move him. My children go to an academically strong private school and they don't get a timetable like that till at least yr4

[MrsBB1982]

He's already got it in his head he's 'a baby' - yet another thing that has come from school so I think repeating the year and seeing his class move on would be damaging for him

[jaycee7]

Hi this is disgusting! Similar happened to my son when he was 4. That is not acceptable. He is still a baby he is only 4. Children are all different and schools are meant to accommodate. For a child of 4 to be sent to a head is well not professional amongst other things! I still have nightmares over how my son was treated and let's say we are many years on. I ended up changing my son's school. It's bad enough when we are sent to a boss at work! No wonder he no longer wants to go to school. This could cause long term damage as it did my son. I would not send my son to school you can let welfare/eduction know why they will understand or should but will say it's unauthorised attendance and have a meeting and ask the head to justify his actions intimidating a 4 year old! Why he was in his office in his own! Also that your child is treated with respect. Work out how they can reassure your son that school is a fun place to be. Maybe a ta can work with him and others at a table just a bit of reassurance. It's a big thing school to a 4 year old. Do not agree to any plan ie an IEP etc. My son was also very active for no reason other than that was him as a child. School soon knocked the life out of him and I have at times home educated him. Things have settled now but it's been a very long road :-(. If you are not happy you can go to the school governors but to be honest they are all stick together. I do hope this helps you. I feel so sad for you as I know how you must feel. Please note this I am listing as my experience

[jelliebelly]

Meant to add God knows how they get the rest of the class to sit still, both of mine are academically able but wouldn't sit still for double lessons at age 4!

[Bluebird79]

The term "form teacher" rings alarm bells with me. That makes it sound as if he is in secondary school, not reception class! If it is this strict and heartless now, what will it be like further down the line? Have a think about finding a school with a different approach. Also, 4 year olds have the concentration level of a flea and that is why we teach through play and discussion.

[Buttercup27]

Reception teacher here. Please change schools. It's sounds awful. A four year old will learn nothing in that environment apart from hating school.
Today my class had 15 min phonics (interactive, hands on lesson ) and 10 min reading. Everything else was child led. There was activities set up that they could chose from a different myself and ta supported and led play when needed, but it should be all about the child, their interests and needs at this age. I am in a state school with 15 children in the class.

[Hannahfftl]

I work in reception and am currently in the process of getting a degree in early years education and this is not right at all! This is the total opposite of how children of 4 and 5 learn! They need play based learning. Lots of child initiated play and following their interests. I would honestly recommend you get home out of there asap! My blood is boiling just reading your post. I guarantee at least 20 out of my 27 children would struggle with a timetable like that! And they certainly don't have adhd, they're just 4 year olds, the same as your little one. Get him out.

[missymayhemsmum]

I'd start by talking to the headteacher- the curriculum doesn't seem to meet your child's needs as a young 4 year old, and school is making him unhappy. Is there any flexibility they can offer for the next 6 months or so? For instance in DD's state primary some of the younger end of the reception class end up back in the nursery for a bit of the day to begin with. Most 4 year old boys need to run around and jump off things a lot before they can concentrate, ime.

[lucy101101]

Take him out as soon as possible and see if you can apply for a state primary (or better private I suppose) so he can start all over again next September in reception as he is so young. We rejected a school which had a similar day for our (full of beans) 4 year old and he has gone to the local state primary (with an excellent teacher) and is thriving in a very playful atmosphere. It would be so terrible for your son to lose confidence and start to hate school/learning at such an early age. Another year in nursery would be fine too if he was happy there.

[ZebraLovesKnitting]

Poor little guy.

My DS is 5, and started school in September too. We chose a small state primary a few miles away for him. It took him a couple of months to settle in, we had some tears, but he is so happy there now.

Yesterday he got put in "time out" with some of his friends as they were playing superheroes a bit too violently, and had repeatedly been told not to. That's fair enough, and the only real punishment he's had since he's been there. This business about sending him to the headmaster for being a 4 year old boy is ridiculous.

Personally, I would move him to somewhere kinder. I would rather see my DS being encouraged in his interests and being allowed to develop as an independent person, rather than being bullied into being a sit down & shut up automaton.

[SisterMoonshine]

yanbu.
It is the school that is the problem, not him.
In state schools (Round here anyway) the reception children are learning mostly through play. It's all inside / outside, wellies on / wellies off again.

[jaycee7]

To the last two teachers posts. I'm so glad there are worthwhile teachers out there who care. I know from family members who are teachers they are a dying bread.

:-)

[notenoughbottle]

Are you in the position to home ed. until you have a better idea if you are relocating? My ds1 (now 9) had an awful experience at his first school and it really disrupted him emotionally and took a long time to regain any sort of self esteem as he always felt he was second rate. I would worry that you're ds could experience something similar and I would hate any child to have to go through that. Small class sizes don't mean anything sometimes - if my ds1 was in one then he would stand out like a sore thumb!

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Ynbu. How much concentration do they expect a 4.5 year old to have. It's down to the teacher to make the learning fun and stimulating.

[EcclefechanTart]

Does he even need to be in school yet? When will he turn 5?

[lunar1]

Are there any other private schools? Mine are in an independent primary and it couldn't be more different. They follow the eyfs curriculum and have classes of 18-20.

[hefzi]

If you decide to keep him there, you can also think about him repeating the year, or repeating a year at the end of pre-prep when he moves to prep school: my DB was born in November, and started school the September of the year he was 4 (not uncommon in the private sector). He managed fine, but my DP felt he would be at a disadvantage in the long-term (after he had started already), so at the end of his time in pre-prep he moved to prep, but in a year lower than he ordinarily would have been.

He wasn't aware of this at the time, as he was switching schools (his pre-prep was mixed but the prep school attached to it wasn't) but it gave him a huge boost in terms of confidence and also attainment: he had severe dyslexia, and it didn't harm him at all to have another year to consolidate primary level skills around reading and writing.

Also - as you've found out, even today, there are still some very old-school pre-prep and prep schools about: it's simply not reasonable to expect a small child (or anyone, but particularly a small child)to sit and concentrate for extended periods of time, and it seems odd to send him to the HM two days running for essentially the same offences - also very old school. Private schools are often fearsomely hot on "discipline" but this doesn't really sound like a discipline - or lack of - issue: just normal four year old behaviour. You said the form teacher is nice - can you make an appointment with her to get to the bottom of what the problem is? Or could you make an appointment with the HM to discuss further?
That way, you'll come across as interested and concerned parents, and they might then make the effort to communicate better with you.

I'm sorry this has happened to your son, OP, and to you: but I think it's the school's unreasonable behaviour and over-disciplinary approach that's at fault, not your son or your child-rearing.