To be so upset at my DS 4's school

[MrsBB1982]

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

You may have to pay fees until July now, even if you were to withdraw today. Those suggesting that op reapply for reception for September bear in mind that the application deadline was last week and it might take negotiation first. I wouldn't go back to a small nursery tbh, does this school have a nursery class so he could do part days in each? I seriously doubt he is the only one not to conform , could TA perhaps take him and any others aside when they become restless.

Once you are clear of this insufferable hot house I think I would actually make a formal complaint about a large grown man taking a child into his office and threatening that he 'would never see his friends again'

blu I totally agree

As he's scared most of never seeing his friends again, I would definitely take tangerines approach of telling him you think the school isn't kind or fun enough. You think it's not the right school and you want to choose something better. During that time he can go and play with some old friends at nursery. Perhaps, if you're aiming for a local school you could enrol him at the local kids football weekend teams or similar where he can meet children he'll potentially go to school with.

Put yourself on all waiting lists and find out how long they are. Spaces can come up any time. Go and view all schools that will allow it - if you see 10 schools you'll have a much better idea of what is right for your son. And as sadwidow suggests, don't rule out a school half an hours drive away because of catchment, you may be surprised. Don't rule out other private schools either, there are some fabulous ones.

Perhaps do a treat weekend too because you're so proud of how well he's done, even in a school that isn't good enough.

Speak to LEA about a late application for reception/Y1 next year.

I think you're being very brave OP. Fantastic that you're listening to your son rather than the school.

Oh, and as an aside - have you had his eyesight and hearing checked if concentration is more difficult for him?

I would just say 'It's very good to sit and concentrate but the the teachers at that school want you to do it a bit TOO much. You're not a very big boy yet so you're going to a school where you only have to sit still sometimes.'

I want to thank everyone for their posts. DS had a better day apparently and at the moment he wants to go back on Monday. I guess we keep looking for alternatives just in case...

You're not a very big boy yet so you're going to a school where you only have to sit still sometimes

One of the anxieties that the OP has is that her DS will think he is baby. It isn't appropriate for this DS to see himself as 'a baby' or 'not a big boy'.

OP's DS has shown himself to be a very big boy by confiding his anxieties and challenges to his DM. I don't think the OP got a note from the school saying:

"I, the headmaster, brought your 4 year old child into my office on 2 consecutive days and frightened him. I have told him that if he does not sit in his chair through the timetabled lessons, I will banish him from my school and make sure no children play with him ever again."

But effectively, that is what a 4yr old child had to communicate to his DM.

That is one smart, balanced 4yr old IMO. He knew who to tell.

I would be very wary of him wanting to go back. It may be because he has friends there or doesn't want to face another change or feel he's letting himself or you down. It doesn't make it the right educational environment for your son. Everything you've said suggests it's wrong for him. I know it must be tempting to wait out the six months, but 6 months is a very, very long time when you're 4.

I'm so confused. He's said he wants to stay. But I'm sure it's the wrong thing for him. I'm now really risking causing him serious upset by taking him out

He's 4. His teacher says it's not the right environment for him.

You have to make the decision, I'm afraid. He's too young to do it. And everything you've said screams that he shouldn't be there.

YY to Bertrand

Go and look at lots of other schools. Talk to the teachers. see the look of horror on their faces when you describe DS school It may make it easier to see what's best.

Of course he'll be upset leaving his friends. But his long term emotional health is far more likely to be affected by not doing anything IMHO. A teacher wouldn't risk all sorts of professional come back advising you to leave unless she was a really good person desperately trying to help your son.

I am siorry, but a 4 year old has no idea what is best for him.

If you think parenting is about never upsetting your child in the short term, in order achieve a long-term goal, then I think you need to think again

This sort of post is so frustrating for those of us with children at private schools that don't so this. There are plenty around that would do this, but not all are like that. Is there no other private school near? My nearly 8 year old still struggles to sit quietly for an entire day. She is probably unusual in her class but I am fairly sure she is just a very active child rather than having something wrong with her. And if the school deals with her correctly (ie ensure she isn't bored or struggling with something without help) then she is absolutely fine in class.

To be fair Marlena I haven't seen anyone do private education bashing on this thread, just bashing that school. My DC also go to a private school that is a world away from OP school description.

A crap school is a crap school- regardless of sector.

I didn't get the impression this was private vs state. There are cap private schools (don't I know it) and brilliant state schools. We made a choice based, ironically, on what we thought was best for DS.

Learnt a hard lesson. The main difference between private and state....private schools are businesses and they have to sell themselves. I fell for the sales pitch

Poor boy, that is definitely not an appropriate school for 4 year olds. Even though he says he wants to go back you should take him out, he must be experiencing so much stress there. Can't believe a school is allowed to teach reception class like that!

a 4 yr old would choose to stay because they like the mac and cheese and have a favourite chair in music.

there have been several teachers who have clearly said the lessons go against everything recommended for teaching that age group.

as a parent you have to weigh up upsetting him.now short term or allowing him to have his confidence dented and become something he isn't.

I know what I would choose. nut of course it's uo to you and I wish you luck in making the decision.

I'm just having an emotional wobble because he's so sad at the moment. I know he needs to come out. Meeting his teacher on Tuesday.

I do think you have to make the decision on your child's behalf because he isn't in a position to evaluate what's best for him.

It's easy for us to say take him out. I can completely see how hard this is for you. We all make choices we believe are best for our DC. Many people would even refuse to consider they'd made a mistake. You're bound to have lots more wobbles yet. Get as much info as possible about schools in your area. If you want to tell us the area you're in you may get helpful suggestions here, or try on MN local.

This head sounds like someone from a Dickens story. He has no understanding of the needs of a 4 year old. I actually feel sorry for the other Reception children in that school. How on earth do they all manage to sit still through double periods of subjects? Have they all been "spoken to"?

Others have been to the head. DS was suspended for a day after 3 weeks in the school. Sounds like that's happened to 1 maybe 2 others too.

Like I said I know he needs to come out. I also know that age 4 doesnt have the maturity to make this decision and we have to do whats best for him even if it causes more upset initially. We're working out whether he goes back to his old nursery as a stepping stone or straight to another school.

SUSPENDED??!!!!!

Sorry to shout but wow, just wow.

TBH I'd be reluctant to go back to nursery because however you approach it he will see it as a backwards step. But better that than carry on in a school who will suspend a 4 yo!
Could you have him at home until you find a new school or do you both work? Are there any home Ed opportunities in your area? Perhaps ask the LEA how far away the nearest school with places is. It sounds like he'll have to move anyway in 6 months so if you have a longer commute/childminder requirement for those months it won't be as bad as long term. First job is to find out ALL you options, then you can have a good think.

You're bound to be nervous of getting it wrong again. All I'll say is that when we went round DS school, I just knew it was right for him. It doesn't have the top results, but my goodness they really care and go the extra mile. Hope you find somewhere just as good.

His form teacher sounds spot on. As a teacher, I'd probably be saying the same thing in that situation, and I have two very different children who needed different schooling and different levels of support throughout their education. (both now adults)

'I'm so confused. He's said he wants to stay. But I'm sure it's the wrong thing for him. I'm now really risking causing him serious upset by taking him out'

But he's 4 and you are his mother, so sadly for you, you need to parent him and make the decisions for him at the moment.
His emotional well-being requires it. If he needed a series of medical treatments that were uncomfortable, would you let him decide whether he had them?