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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset at my DS 4's school

315 replies

MrsBB1982 · 21/01/2016 21:16

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 23/01/2016 19:21

This school sounds poor to put it mildly for Foundation Stage kids (and very likely lower primary kids in general) and this is not typical or normal teaching for Foundation in private or state schools. In a state school their Foundation Stage would be getting a lot of criticism by Ofsted. At a guess, none of their senior leadership team are primary or lower primary specialists so they don't get child development and they are regarding primary as just small secondary kids. As for the way they are treating your poor ds - suspension ffs - they are utterly clueless and wrong for younger children. They're looking for kids to fit their approach, not what fits an individual child to get the best for them. Take him straight out, damage limitation. Write this off as falling for good advertising for what turned out to be a really bad product.

Putting him back in nursery immediately for short term familiar care sounds a brilliant idea while you look for another and much better place for him, (which shouldn't be hard! Pretty much anywhere would do better!) All you need to tell him is the simple truth. That's the wrong school for us as a family, they don't do things the right way for us, so we're going to find one that fits us better. The whole point of private education is choice and a better fit for individual children with a more nurturing approach, you'll find plenty who will love your son and know what very young summer born children need in their very first introduction to school.

He'll very likely wibble a little about the thought of transitions, what sensible young child wouldn't and of course you're worried about it - but with your support and his familiar nursery as a stop gap he's got everything he needs to come through it fine and I've seen many children settle fast and very happily into the right place for them when they've been moved between nurseries or schools. The right fit is what makes the difference. Bear in mind too you would have had a very good case to argue for another nursery year for him anyway and starting reception in September 2016. There will be children in nursery only a few weeks younger than him, he isn't going to lack for stimulation or a peer group so you have no worries there.

Urgh. Livid for you! Thanks

RumbleMum · 23/01/2016 19:21

When can he start back at nursery?

I'd feel the same as you. That feeling that you can't instantly make it better is so hard. Obviously I don't know your DS, but four year olds do seem to be great at bouncing back from things, so be gentle with yourself and remind yourself you've made the best of the situation, and try to give it time.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2016 19:38

Suspended? Madness!

Unless he tried to set fire to the wendy house there is no justification for that!

I keep thinking of my DGC who adored Reception because they didn't have a clue how much they were learning. And one has a poor attention span (except in school!) and the other one is the 4 year-old. Their whole experience was and is fantastic.

You know best. Move him (and then ring Ofsted).

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 23/01/2016 19:56

They don't have an Ofsted report. Is that odd? I guess it means I can't report my concerns to them.

Call me a cynic but the Head is an inspector for ISI so I expect they won't be interested

OP posts:
ConesOfDunshire · 23/01/2016 20:12

Ofsted don't inspect private schools. Nothing odd about there being no report.

LIZS · 23/01/2016 20:16

Early Years should be Ofsted inspected even in a private school Hmm Presumably they aren't eligible for you to claim the 15 hour funding for 4 yr olds as Ofsted is a requirement.

LIZS · 23/01/2016 20:17

ISI is like an old boys club, very little bite in their reports.

Jux · 24/01/2016 11:54

I'm so glad nursery have agreed to the 'helper' idea. I do think it's the best way in these circumstances so he feels trusted and respected, it should do his confidence quite a lot of good. When does he start? The sooner the better. (I wish I'd done the same with dd when she was that age. It's so easy to get it wrong, isn't it?)

I hope you get your chappy chatty lad back soon.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/01/2016 12:30

They don't have an Ofsted report. Is that odd.
Yes very odd. Legally they have to have an Ofsted report and also they need to be mindful of the fact that parents/carers can ask to see the report at any time. They're going to look well if they have to turn around and say. Sorry, we've not got one.
Yes you can call ofsted and explain that they don't have a report. Clutching at straws here, but Ofsted might not even know about this schools existence.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/01/2016 12:31

Oh didn't know it was a private school
I stand corrected

WicksEnd · 24/01/2016 13:47

OMG. Suspended!.Shock
WTF for?
He'd not be going back and I be in that head teachers office playing merry hell!
Never heard anything like it in my life. If the head teacher gives him this label of being badly behaved and naughty, then he'll start to believe it, and in time, might as well play up because that's what's expected of him.
Poor lamb. Sad

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 24/01/2016 20:01

Last terms trip to the head and suspension was for ' ring a bit pushy' in his teachers words and 'violent' in the headmasters words. He is hot headed and at that point had turned 4 two weeks earlier so was a good year younger than the lad he pushed. Later came to light DS was pushed first but head not interested.

Now it's more that they're getting frustrated and only his class teacher seems to 'get it'.

This is all so out of character for him. I'm shocked.

Hoping he takes the move back to nursery ok. They want to assess him first to check he will settle back in with them (which is totally fair enough). Planning to do that Wednesday to Friday but he'll go to nursery for a few hours and will spend the rest of that day at home with DH, me or my mum.

If all goes well he'll go to nursery as a 'helper' from the week after

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 24/01/2016 20:03

I think we'll do the merry he'll but when we've extracted him. He's just the sort of little shit who would make DSs life a misery (more so than already) if we start causing trouble

OP posts:
IonaNE · 24/01/2016 20:07

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that the school is not the right place for your DS - I hope the move back to nursery goes well and will make him (and you) happy.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 24/01/2016 20:11

Really hope it goes well for your DS back at nursery OP. What an awful time for you all. Can only get better.

ocelot41 · 24/01/2016 20:12

He sounds a perfectly normal 4 year old - they are mad! What an appalling way to kill off a childhood...

minipie · 24/01/2016 21:35

MrsBB wow, just read the whole thread and I cannot believe this school. Double sit down lessons for 4 year olds? Headmaster for not sitting still? The things the head said ... and suspension wtaf? It's definitely not your DS, it's the school. I'm just amazed they have so many pupils and parents who can put up with that kind of regime.

Once your DS is settled elsewhere, please come back and share the name of the school...

BlueSmarties76 · 24/01/2016 21:51

The school is so wrong for him! It sounds very old fashioned (suspending a 4 year old for pushing - shocked!) and hothousey.

I would also make a complaint about the way he was treated, though I don't know how far you'll get!

Such a pity you don't have a nice small play based independent school nearby - they do exist (my DC is at a play based pre-prep).

I'd be inclined to avoid going back to the nursery as it is a step backwards and in a few months he will need to be at school anyway.

Can you list for us the schools you have to choose from? And how far away are they? Are there more a bit further?

d270r0 · 24/01/2016 21:57

Reception should still be early years ie. Extension to preschool. They should not be having to sit still all day. Some, yes, but also a lot of learning through play, imaginative play, practical activities. It sounds as the school are not doing that.

I'd suggest you go have a look round some local state schools, see if you can see inside a reception class at the sort of thing they are doing, and maybe move him to a different school. It sounds as though this school is wrong for him.

My ds is in reception, a state school, class of 28. He is also a lad who fidgets, finds it hard to keep still etc. However he is thriving at this school, is learning to listen better and academically doing well, with lots of reading help from me! The main thing you want is a good teacher, who lets them play and does not seem over strict. Its too soon for that. They will gradually get better at listening as they get older, with the right teachers.

grumpysquash2 · 24/01/2016 22:05

OP would you be prepared to name and shame the school so that others can avoid it?
Or give enough clues that a quick Google would find it?

[My Dsis will be looking for a school for her DS later this year and she would probably like the sound of a small independent.....just on the offchance you and she are in the same area]

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 24/01/2016 22:17

Don't want to out ourselves until we're well shot of the school. But I will say anyone with DDs are safe

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 24/01/2016 22:28

What you are describing is perfectly normal 4 year old boy behaviour and frankly any school that thinks otherwise it's utterly ridiculous. The closest he should be coming to any kind of curriculum is perhaps counting out lego bricks when he's playing and doing very simple phonics.
Double geography!? Wtf?

A happy child in a large class is so much better than a miserable one in a small one I think.

BlueSmarties76 · 24/01/2016 22:46

OP
But can you (without naming any of the schools!) list what other school options you have?

ReallyTired · 25/01/2016 07:27

The op is right not to out herself. If she lists her school options then someone may infer who her son is.

mateysmum · 25/01/2016 08:13

They suspended a just 4 yr old for pushing!!! Crikey, I'm surprised they have any boys in school most days. That is unbelievable and if your DS had done something really wrong, then the head should have been on the phone to you pronto putting in place some agreed actions and keeping you up to date with progress. Your poor little lad. So glad he's moving. the head has obviously now marked his card and he would never prosper at that school.