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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset at my DS 4's school

315 replies

MrsBB1982 · 21/01/2016 21:16

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

OP posts:
bialystockandbloom · 21/01/2016 21:56

This is ridiculous. I know many children at private schools (including my own dc at private pre-prep) and have never heard of anything like this - double geography?? Like state schools, at the EY level, especially Reception, it is primarily learning through play. If this really is what is happening, I'd move him.

BoGrainger · 21/01/2016 21:59

I thought all schools in England had to follow the EYFS regardless of whether state or independent. How do they manage to get away with teaching like that?

MySordidCakeSecret · 21/01/2016 21:59

jeeesus christ, get the poor lad in a different school that adjusts them to learning fgs! totally ridiculous and ott!

justkeepongoing · 21/01/2016 22:01

Don't let him repeat a year. Working in the educational field I've seen students who have done this and it can effect their self esteem later through the school. My son's friend lies that he's not out of year group, bless him. Surely at 4 he should be in a class following EYFS?!

neolara · 21/01/2016 22:02

I agree that the school sounds terrible (am ex educational psychologist). I'd get him out asap. Round here, any kids at private school who don't fit the exact mould get booted out within the first year. It's brutal. Nothing wrong with the kids, just ridiculous expectations. Personally, I'd go find a lovely state school. It will be big but in my experience, state schools usually have a culture of genuinely trying to meet the needs of kids. They are often constrained by lack of cash, but they are usually willing.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 21/01/2016 22:03

Bloody hell. My late summerborn DC1 spent most of YR dressing up as Elsa and playing in the sandpit. Somehow or other they still managed to teach her to read, write, learn material properties, times tables etc. She did have to make Elsa's hair out of different textiles (wool, string, paper), weigh and measure them but she was most definitely running around shrieking as she did so! The school is outstanding and gets amazing academic results - I really don't think forcing 4yos to sit down is the best way of getting them to learn. And yes, a primary school prob will have a class of 30, but it's also likely to have at least one TA and split off into smaller groups at times. I would definitely be moving my DC from the Gradgrind School. Children ar much more adaptable than you think and a move for the better would not unsettle him as much as keeping him somewhere he is so obviously unhappy. Good luck with your decision-making.

Silvercatowner · 21/01/2016 22:03

Double geography at 4 is utterly absurd. He should be engaging in a play based curriculum, lots of messy play, outdoor play, play on his own agenda, not the agenda of some fucked up tests obsessed private school. Good grief it's no wonder our youngsters' mental health is going down the drain.

Kreacherelf · 21/01/2016 22:05

Can you practice classroom behavior with him at home? Use positive reinforcement to make it a good experience for him.

fluffiphlox · 21/01/2016 22:06

Is it Dotheboys Hall? Blimey.

Lindy2 · 21/01/2016 22:11

Your actually paying to have your son subjected to this type of "teaching". Young children learn through play. They learn more when having fun and being interested. I would look for a much more nurturing school (whether private or state) but where they correctly base reception age learning on play activity.

grumpysquash2 · 21/01/2016 22:13

OP, if he's academically above average and can finish tasks (the latter is a big achievement for a child of 4), then even if he fidgets and wriggles, I don't see how that's a problem.
There is a bit of a disconnect.
Having said that, if your DP might be relocating, I would be tempted to ride it out for a short while until you know whether it's likely.
Unless there happens to be a place available in your local state primary, in which case take a look at it....

ohlittlepea · 21/01/2016 22:14

I'd move him, but talking about it carefully so that he knows it definitely isn't a punishment...I'd be far more worried about a child that actually sat still for a double maths session at that age than one who didn't. Your son sounds normal.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 21/01/2016 22:18

Poor boy, I think it sounds like the wrong school for him. And sending to the head is really mean.

But this type of teaching does suit some children - my DDs and others I know genuinely preferred this sort of environment, and heavily play based learning does not suit all children, as some prefer structure. However this is no excuse for treating your son like that. I think you should go in and have a word.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 21/01/2016 22:18

He's four. He doesn't legally have to be at school. Personally I wouldn't make him go back for another day. Private nursery / childminder / grandparent until you can find a better school?

Enkopkaffetak · 21/01/2016 22:21

We sent ds to a private school in reception (he is now 14 so many years ago) and even back then it was mostly play based (they also did some specific lessons like swimming less play based obviously due to type)

I would change school and ensure your ds knows its due to the school being unsuitable not him being unsuitable.

Only time DS (and dd who also went to the school but from year 1) went to HT was to get praise about things they had done.

bozeydugger · 21/01/2016 22:28

He's just a baby and he doesn't legally have to be in school for some time yet. That sort of regime, for a child of his age, is harmful. I would advise that you pull him out and find a kinder school once you have relocated.

Gobbolino6 · 21/01/2016 22:29

It should be play-based learning at that age. I honestly would move him.

hippowithsuncreen · 21/01/2016 22:29

I worked with reception.
Our day went something like this.

carpet time number work
Play
A bit of letter work
Play
Lunch
Play
Reading
Play
Science or geography using paint, colouring, water play, cars, etc
Story time.

Throughout the day all the play activities were set up so that one group was working the others were playing.

Valentine2 · 21/01/2016 22:30

Double geography?? I would be very worried if they tried teaching DCs double geography in reception. Thats very inappropriate and I wonder how they manage to keep other kids focuses there?

CocktailQueen · 21/01/2016 22:33

The school sounds insanely educational and rigid and inappropriate. He's 4, Ffs! Why are they expecting him to cope with double anything?!

Dc need free play, free choice, access to outdoor areas, play. Not racking double maths.

Sounds like a shit, old fashioned school.

I'd move my dc pronto.

Namechangenell · 21/01/2016 22:35

Mine go to a private school. Reception is nothing like you've described there! Sounds awful.

ConesOfDunshire · 21/01/2016 22:36

Echoing all of the calls to move him. Look again at the state school; if that's not right, see if there's a Montessori school nearby. Their approach might suit him better in these early years.

KERALA1 · 21/01/2016 22:38

In Canada and Finland they are not even at school until 6.

Original poster
MrsBB1982 · 21/01/2016 22:38

Thanks everyone. DH and I reading all your comments. It's so reassuring to hear that DS isn't some massively badly behaved child. We were questioning our parenting and whether we needed to take him to GP/psychologist

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 21/01/2016 22:39

It's the school. Personally, I wouldn't send him back if I could help it, not 1 more day. Awful, ridiculous way to treat a 4 year old.

DS is at private school in Y1, also late birthday. He still has mainly 1 teacher and most of his learning is play based. In YR there was a lot of growing veggies in the kids garden, playing in the sand and dressing up. It's a world away from your description.

So imo, it's not state vs private in this instance, just that this school is not right for your son or any other child frankly . You could go and talk to them but I suspect you'd be wasting your breath.

If you truly think your son may have some special needs then go and see your GP, but tbh I'd switch schools immediately and give it 6 months. See lots of schools, describe the problems, I think their responses will make the change an easier decision.

Poor little boy.