To be so upset at my DS 4's school

[MrsBB1982]

So please bear with me. I think some background is useful.

DS is 4 and started reception in September. He's not a natural 'concentrator'. Academically he's above average but just struggles to sit down for any length of time. His school already expect him to sit down for classes the whole day...double maths then double english then double geography for example.

We've been told his behaviour an issue. He got sent to the headmaster on Thursday and Friday. His form teacher wasn't with him so it was just him and the head.

Since then he keeps saying 'I might have to leave the school and me er see my friends again'. He's now becoming g withdrawn and doesn't want to go to school

He's a loving, kind and sweet natured lad. He's born at the end of August so very young in his class. DH and I know he's not perfect. Like I said concentration has always been an issue although he can finish tasks. He's a fidgety energetic lad. He can be hot headed and we describe him as a 'reactor' in that he tends to react to a situation before thinking through.

If you're still with me! My question is AIBU in thinking going to the headmaster two days in a row for poor concentration/fidgeting/talking (confirmed as the reason by his teacher ) on his own an being threatened with having to leave the school is heavy handed. He's not been lashing out or anything physical.

We haven't been consulted about this. We only know because DS mentioned it. Or does he really have a problem?

[Funandgamesandfun]

My 5 year old is in year 1 in a private school. Reception was almost completely play based and year 1 is still very much on the playing side of things. Unfortunately there are still some of these very old fashioned prep schools and I would run a mile. Go and have a look at some other state & private schools because this set up is not right

[unlucky83]

I would go and talk to the teacher/head - get an appointment.
Firstly they see reception aged children all the time -so they will know what is 'normal' for this age group.
When you read double geography etc we all have this image of ourselves at secondary, sitting in tiers of desks looking at a blackboard but I doubt many reception children could cope with that...
So I would imagine 'double geography' is just a set period of time where the activities could be loosely described as 'geography' -could involve learning to sit and concentrate for a short period of time (so they get used to it) then playing with water (making rain) or pretending to be animals /sticking animal stickers on a map or.... any number of things for the rest of the time.
(a bit like when DD2 did 'space' at preschool -as far as I could tell it involved playing with torches in a tent, eating Jaffa cakes (full moon, crescent etc) and singing twinkle twinkle.... )
Double maths could be play focused on numeracy - again with a short period of sitting.
Talking to the school would clear up what it does mean...what their expectations are ...like I said I would imagine the whole class would be being sent to the head on a regular basis if they are expecting 4-5yos to sit and concentrate for hours on end...

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

There's nothing wrong with your DS. He sounds just like my DS. Always moving. Can focus on stuff he's very interested in but if he isn't fussed then he just doesn't bother. DS is very quick to pick things up when he wants to. He thinks school is a social activity.
My db was exactly the same. He has turned out fine. Not academic but clever. And very good at people.
I can't imagine my geeky academic dc doing double geography and just 4 let alone the fizzy one!

[OvertiredandConfused]

Sorry I haven't read the full thread

Firstly, many private schools would be very different, just like state schools are different. I have experience of both and this sounds way off kilter

Secondly, as I think others have said, there is no legal requirement for him to be in school until September. Take him out and reassess. You are even entitled to start him in reception in September rather than in year one, although some schools are more amenable than others to this. It often works well for August births (my DS is late August)

[NotnowNigel]

In fact research shoes that even adults only concentrate at optimum levels for 50 mins. The they need a break of at least 10 mins before concentrating again.

Could you ask for him to be moved back to nursery until you're ready to relocate?

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

The thing is, even if there was some kind of behavioural issue with your DS (and nothing you've said indicates that there is!) then this school would still be the wrong place for him. Even more so, arguably.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

"Could you ask for him to be moved back to nursery until you're ready to relocate?"

That's a good idea. It's not actually compulsory to attend school until you're 5 IIRC. In practice you want to have a school place but if you're moving anyway maybe no need?

[DisappointedOne]

It's not actually compulsory to attend school until you're 5 IIRC.

It's not actually compulsory to ever attend school.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

OP I had this. My DD hated crowds and change so we sent her to a small private school.....academically pushy too.

We pulled her out in year 2 and sent her to a small, outstanding state...best thing ever!

Took her a year to adjust but she did.

[Katenka]

My ds is the same age and in reception. He is well behaved at school, better than at home.

But there is no way he could sit down for double English.

The only reason I was happy for him going full time at 4 was because it was an extension of the nursery he attended there. Lots of learning through play, activities and a little bit of sit down work. Like reading a book with their teacher or TA, writing their name, painting a picture of their family etc.

I felt the same when dd went. At four a structured lesson plan is not ok. I am really shocked by your sons school. I have never known a state school have reception so structured. I also have friend whose kids are at private school at 4 and it's the same as ds school.

In fact the boys private school hear only does 20-30min of sit down learning at a time, right until the end of year 6.

I don't think you have to worry about your son having autism or adhd at this point. I think the school is appalling and so is the way the head spoke to him.

[pudcat]

I also cannot understand why the teacher and head have not asked you in for a meeting. Instead the head chooses to frighten your tiny 4 year old. You are paying to have your child bullied into submission. He will be too frightened to move. I really hope you are keeping your child away from school today. It would be cruel to send him in. Do not send him in until you have had a meeting. Poor little mite. He must be so scared.

[MrsBB1982]

I've spoken to the teacher informally on a frequent basis. They really do expect them to sit for long periods. There's no 'making rain' as part of the geography lesson.

[mincebloodypie]

Form teachers and double Maths aged 4? Poor fucking kid. Is Michael Gove the head teacher? I would love to know the name of this school, purely out of curiosity, because it sounds bonkers

I think on balance, large class sizes would be the lesser of the two evils. Pull him out of there asap.

[Drinkstoomuchcoffee]

That's one of the disadvantages of private schools.
They feel a need to fast track children so they perfom well at 7+ or 8+ to pass exams for selective preps.
In continental Europe children do not start formal education - reading/writing until they are 6+ or 7+. By 10+ there is no discernable difference between what they achieve and what UK kids achieve.
I bet they have fewer disillusioned children.

[DisappointedOne]

They certainly have happier children. The UK's kids are some of the unhappiest in the world!

[HPsauciness]

This just doesn't sound like a suitable environment for any 4 year olds, let alone a normally lively child. My dd1 hated the first year of school, she was sobbing about it 'all they did was sit on the horrible carpet and count dinosaurs'. Which in her school, which had a high turn-over of teachers, was about all they did!

Op, you are paying and you are not getting the environment your son needs. Surely you can find a better school- either state or private (our state ones have been pretty good since that year). Or pull him out and let him stay home if you are going to move and re-enrol after he's 5. Geography lessons aged 4 is ludicrous.

[Blu]

You are paying good money to a 'school' that had no idea of the developmental needs of children and has unkind and counter-productive ways of trying to enforce their incompetence on children.

I can see your dilemma over re-location: is there any way you can just keep him out of school for 6 months? Because as far as I can see the treatment meted out by this school will undermine his confidence and self esteem and leave him even less resilient.

[AvaLeStrange]

This place sounds ghastly - Reception is supposed to basically be an extension of Nursery so 2 hour formal lessons is crazy!

If I were in your position I would remove him asap. He doesn't have to be in school yet, and if that time comes before you have relocated you could register him as home schooled until you are settled and find a suitable school.

[Mouseinahole]

I would recommend a small country school (don't know where you live) The one near us has year groups of 15 with Nursery and YR sharing a room with two tas, one full time teacher and one part time. The little ones in YR spend the day in bite size activities with lots of play based learning and never more than 15 minutes at a time doing more 'academic' work. By year one they are all ready for more focussed work but they still do quite a bit of moving around. In that class Y1/2 split they have still one full time teacher and one part time but only one ta. It works well and the children are happy and meet targets. Your school sounds, frankly, horrible.

[ReallyTired]

Pull him out and send him to your local state school. Although state schools have big classes, there is often plenty of TA support in reception. Most reception children have a ball.

[tobysmum77]

How can a 4 year old be 'above average' academically?

[MrsAmaretto]

You are paying to have your son's confidence, happiness & desire to learn sucked out of him!! At 4! What are you doing?????

All posters, with experience of state and private schools, have said this is contrary to current Early Years best practice. It is not your son that is the problem.

Please move him, but make sure he knows it's the school, not him.

I wouldn't worry about what may happen in 6 months with regards to relocation. If you keep him at this school what is it going to do to your son?

[AvaLeStrange]

Really makes a good point.

At DD's school Reception classes each have a ft teacher, 2 TAs and a nursery nurse.

This is a state academy that's currently in special measures so if they can manage it...!

[MrsBB1982]

Thanks everyone. He had to go in today as I work. In tears in the car afterwards. Spoke to his teacher again who said as a mother with a similar son the school just doesn't suit his temperament ad opposed to him having a medical condition.

Going to look at some nurseries with preschool rooms as I don't think I'll be able to get him into a school midway through the year

There was a previous poster saying about a small village school. Sadly we're not in the catchment for that sort of state school.

Perhaps a nursery preschool will give us the flexibility he needs at the moment