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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what new wedding hell this is?

262 replies

VictorMeldrewsSocks · 19/01/2016 15:44

My friend is getting married in April. She's gone back to her home country to do it. I have my 'save the date' card and have been waiting for the official invite to book the flights and hotel.

The invite arrived today. I've been invited to the wedding ceremony at 1.00 but not the formal reception afterwards. I am then invited to the evening do from 7.00 until 11.00 despite it going on to 1.00 am. Bearing in mind the flights alone will cost me over £800, aibu unreasonable to think it's a bit inconsiderate to not invite me to the whole thing. Especially as I'll be on my own stuck in a foreign town, knowing nobody and not speaking the language for the rest of the time.

But that's a side aibu. The new hell I'm wondering about is that the invite does not give any details of where the recption is taking place. The couple want to keep this secret until the day of the wedding. AIBaMiserableBastard in thinking that I'm not flying halfway round the world without first knowing whether or not it's spam sandwiches round her granny's house?

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 19/01/2016 20:24

Are you sure that's what the invite was for?

I got an invite for a USA wedding last year. It had the time and place of the ceremony, and the time and place of the evening reception. I'd thought it meant that we weren't invited to the meal. As it happened we couldn't go because of family illness.

I now know the invite was for the whole day, the assumption being that if you're at the ceremony then you go for the formal reception. The Americans thought it funny I'd assumed otherwise. (The evening reception details were for those who wouldn't be able to make the church/afternoon parts. In this case the afternoon and evening were same venue)

Viviennemary · 19/01/2016 20:27

Can't see why anyone in your position would accept the invitation. How rude. If it was me she'd no longer be a friend. Send a reply 'is this a joke?'.

Peyia · 19/01/2016 20:28

This is a lip service invite. I think she's forcing you to decline but doesn't want to not invite people she likes perhaps?

You are not being U!!

ample · 19/01/2016 20:28

Secret venue? To be revealed on day of wedding? Tacky. You could end up on a dodgy mystery tour Confused
Decline invite. Send your best wishes in the form of a card (no gift). Spend money on your car.
I wouldn't waste time and energy wondering what will happen after 11pm. Nothing will happen after 11pm. If you want to know, you can get any post-wedding gossip news from the groom's cousin.

yorkshapudding · 19/01/2016 20:29

This really is so inconsiderate. They're expecting you to spend £800 to attend their wedding but don't feel obliged to provide you with a fucking meal?! I know the wedding is about the people getting married, their day, no one else's etc etc but I really think that if people are kind enough to take time off work, spend their hard earned cash and travel abroad to watch you get married then the decent thing to do is to make it as welcoming, enjoyable and hassle-free for your guests as possible.

I can't imagine anyone would agree to spend all that time, effort and to see someone get married, then bugger off for 5 hours (to do what exactly?? Just hang about, on your own, somewhere unfamiliar), then get summoned back to a mystery venue in the evening, then be told to bugger off again at 11pm because there's some weirdly exclusive after-party type situation happening!

I know weddings, hen do's etc in general have gone batshit crazy these days and we're just supposed to accept that it's all fine but this really is some next-level entitled wankery Angry

homesandgardens · 19/01/2016 20:36

Decline the silly invitation.

I'm amazed at suggestions not to send a gift. I always thought a wedding gift was to mark the start of a new life, not a quid pro quo for the food. Hmm

Lweji · 19/01/2016 20:40

It is possible, though, that they have sent out the impossible invitations so that people would send them gifts but not attend.

BramblePie · 19/01/2016 20:40

They didn't want you to go obviously. That's pretty shitty to send an invite like that. Like a "pity" invite. Sorry OP, that's really horrible. I'd be sending them bugger all!

Damselindestress · 19/01/2016 20:46

OllyBJolly While there can be some cultural differences, it's clear this isn't a misunderstanding because the OP says another guest has received a different, more formal invitation inviting them to the whole thing.

Damselindestress · 19/01/2016 20:56

homesandgardens The reason I wouldn't send a gift is that it seems to me that having a B list of guests and sending them these impossible invites could be a ploy so that they will be unable to attend but will still send a gift. At best it's inconsiderate and at worst cynical. I wouldn't want to reward that attitude. No, a wedding present isn't a quid pro quo for the food but sending an invitation just to get a gift while arranging it in a way where it would be really awkward for the person to actually attend is rude.

StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2016 20:59

If you do go, stand your ground at 10.55. Are they actually going to say anything? How on earth would that go?

Luckygirlcharlie · 19/01/2016 21:09

It's just crap any way you look at it. Please decline!

LumelaMme · 19/01/2016 21:11

No arsing way I'd go to that wedding! That's just so bloody rude and thoughtless.

And what are they planing on doing between 11pm and 1am?

MrsMook · 19/01/2016 21:18

We invited local collegues to our evening reception. They were also welcome to attend the church. (Legally they are anyway, we were drawing it to their attention). Some chose to do one or the other. No hard feelings Smile

To do this for a distance wedding, particularly involving flights is crazy. I love weddings, but I'd be declining this one.

The new car is much better value!

Luckygirlcharlie · 19/01/2016 21:18

Oh and thesecondviola you say in your country it's normal to be invited to part of the wedding celebrations if you are a colleague/friend of parents, not invited to the ceremony, not expected to travel. None of which applies to the OP so self important idiots point stands!

MrsAmaretto · 19/01/2016 21:37

Wow.

Do not send this woman a gift.

TheSecondViola · 19/01/2016 21:37

Thats not actually what you said, Lucky.

ample · 19/01/2016 21:50

Perhaps the bride, groom and special guests will be moving on to another secret venue when the clock strikes 11pm? Just for those esteemed special guests of course..

LeaLeander · 19/01/2016 22:15

Gifts are to mark the life milestones of people one is close with.

Clearly someone who will be ousted midway through the party is not as close as she thought she was to the bride and groom. Ergo, no gift.

(The PP who said 'perhaps some are being ejected at 9 p.m.' makes an interesting point. This B&g may well have C and D tier guests as well. Perhaps the Ds are permitted to stand in the foyer and listen to the toasts and music but not provided with seats or refreshments.)

lorelei9 · 19/01/2016 22:22

Dish, love the poem. I think OP should use it.

OP, jokes aside, I don't think it's a fake invite. I reckon it's more likely that the couple have treated the guest list as they would without considering anyone's travel. They're still inconsiderate arses but I wouldn't worry that they don't like you or anything. They sound awful so not sure it matters.

I do think that 11pm or 1am might be to accommodate some mini bus going from the secret venue to drop people off? I hope so, otherwise beyond rude.

ABetaDad,you say it might be the fault of the family but the bride and groom, as at the wedding you attended with a two tier system, are adults, I hope, lol. So they could say no, they don't have to turn their wedding into this kind of social climbing circus. I know people who have done it to accommodate relatives who they feel they can't avoid inviting, one poor couple had about 16 of then that they didn't want but they were sensible enough to ring and explain why this was happening, made the meal family only and then also didn't take offence when many of us said we'd only attend the reception in order not to waste half a day on the bit I between.

But some of these two tier systems don't even do that.

StealthPolarBear · 20/01/2016 06:41

They can't be getting married that far from the nearest accommodation surely

Grapejuicerocks · 20/01/2016 07:40

As there a list of nearby accommodation? How would you know where to stay with a surprise venue?

Bonkers.

CaptainWarbeck · 20/01/2016 07:58

That poem dish! Grin

She refused to tell me anything about the wedding as wanted it to be a surprise --like I gave a shit

I had a friend who did this, everything was so hush hush and mysterious, e.g. 'how're you getting on with the flowers etc?' 'Nope, not saying, it's a secret'. I was only asking to be polite!! Stopped asking after a few rounds of that.

This woman is seriously rude OP. I do wonder if weddings turn people into knobheads, or if they had a little bit of knobheadery in them all along Hmm

ZaZathecat · 20/01/2016 08:15

I would politely decline - and feel a touch of relief that the stupid half-invitation has given you a good reason to do so.

pictish · 20/01/2016 08:19

Enjoy your new car!