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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder what new wedding hell this is?

262 replies

VictorMeldrewsSocks · 19/01/2016 15:44

My friend is getting married in April. She's gone back to her home country to do it. I have my 'save the date' card and have been waiting for the official invite to book the flights and hotel.

The invite arrived today. I've been invited to the wedding ceremony at 1.00 but not the formal reception afterwards. I am then invited to the evening do from 7.00 until 11.00 despite it going on to 1.00 am. Bearing in mind the flights alone will cost me over £800, aibu unreasonable to think it's a bit inconsiderate to not invite me to the whole thing. Especially as I'll be on my own stuck in a foreign town, knowing nobody and not speaking the language for the rest of the time.

But that's a side aibu. The new hell I'm wondering about is that the invite does not give any details of where the recption is taking place. The couple want to keep this secret until the day of the wedding. AIBaMiserableBastard in thinking that I'm not flying halfway round the world without first knowing whether or not it's spam sandwiches round her granny's house?

OP posts:
FedUpNowPleaseHelp · 19/01/2016 16:17

Wow what country is this taking place in....... not worth it

museumum · 19/01/2016 16:18

If she's an actual friend then you'd be able to phone her up and say 'so how does this all work then?' what do we do between the first bit and second bit? how do we arrange to get to second bit if we don't know where it is? and will there be lots of us leaving at 11 i can share a taxi/transport with?

If she's not a close enough friend to be able to call her and ask those questions then I would NOT be going that far for her wedding! (And I love a wedding and I did go to the US for a weekend for one friend's wedding).

SweetieDrops · 19/01/2016 16:18

I think the ceremony then evening reception is OK if you're local, an old school friend of mine invited me to her wedding that way but the church was only down the road from me so I just went to see her get married in my normal daytime clothes and then went home to get dressed up for the evening. I wouldn't be happy if I'd travelled a long way to have to hang about all day though.

The surprise reception sounds like attention seeking bollocks.

YouthHostellingWithChrisEubank · 19/01/2016 16:18

That's bizarre, what is going to happen for the last two hours of the evening reception that means not everyone can stay? And how are they going to enforce it?

Weird all round. Glad you're not going.

girlywhirly · 19/01/2016 16:19

I agree YANBU to not want to go. An invitation is just that; not a summons to attend at any cost.

The old fashioned etiquette was to send a 'wedding regret' card, inside is usually printed something along the lines of 'Thank you for the kind invitation to your wedding, I/we are unable to attend.' You only need to write your name in it, and you do not need to state any reasons why you won't be there. If the bride can't work it out she must be a bit dense.

It isn't unknown for guests to be limited as to which parts of the wedding day they can attend to keep costs down. The evening thing sounds weird too, I'm guessing they have invited way too many guests for that and will be over the permitted maximum numbers as it gets later, so are encouraging some guests to leave sooner? Whatever the reasoning it's unwelcoming and poor manners.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/01/2016 16:20

I wouldn't accept that for a local one much less a wedding abroad.

I dislike the two tier system at weddings, either you are important enough to go the whole thing or not. Part invitations are just to bulk out the gifts.

wannaBe · 19/01/2016 16:20

I reckon the 11-1 bit is actually a swingers party. Grin.

Original poster
VictorMeldrewsSocks · 19/01/2016 16:20

Maybe my reputation precedes me and the 11.00 is to get me off the premises before I get shit-faced and try to get off with the father of the bride or start a punch up with the maid of honour? (I don't actually drink or have a reputation)

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 19/01/2016 16:21

'Why why why do sooooo many people turn into absolute tossers when they plan a wedding?'

Excellent question.

I think this business of inviting people to the ceremony, then expecting them to entertain and feed themselves for several hours, then come back later for the party is the rudest and most entitled thing ever. Do people honestly have no idea how extremely awful that is? I don't care about your budget - cut your cloth as you can afford to cut it, have a smaller wedding if you need to and stop treating your guests like hired extras.

And to expect you to spend hundreds and fly so far to do it? Absolutely no way in hell I would even consider going to that wedding. Buy your new car, enjoy it, send a polite decline and get on with your life. I would be taking a step back from the friendship too but that's entirely your call of course.

ChristmasZombie · 19/01/2016 16:21

Send your regrets and a nice card. No present.

Lweji · 19/01/2016 16:23

You'd be better off sending the flight costs as a present. And save on the stay and the dress.

LeaLeander · 19/01/2016 16:23

Appalling from both an etiquette and friendship POV. Just think of what you can do for yourself with the funds you'll be saving on airfare, hotel, transportation, attire, gift, etc. Send them a card wishing them well and be done with it.

But let us know if you discover the reason for the mystery reception venue. That's a new low.

VimFuego101 · 19/01/2016 16:25

Perhaps MN can crowdfund the OP's trip so that she can write a thread about how awful it is? I do love a good wedding thread.

ABetaDad1 · 19/01/2016 16:25

Victor - I am quite sure your friend is not the cause of this.

I went to a wedding like this. It was in Belgium. It was the brides mother that was the problem. The couple had no say in it so we as guests suffered the consequences.

It was a very important day for the brides mother to show off to very important people in her orbit. It was social climbing on stilts.

People who were friends of the bride and groom were not part of that plan. The grooms mother and father, the best man and indeed her own son (and his wife of whom the mother did not approve) were lumped in with us and made very aware we were not entirely welcome but tolerated as long as we didn't show the brides mother up.

Don't go. We still talk of the hell that was that wedding.

ovenchips · 19/01/2016 16:28

Am Shock at almost all aspects of that invitation.

Even if wedding was next door I wouldn't be getting dressed up in my finest to ensure a 'full house' at the ceremony then having to piss off until my next time slot came up. No.

vindscreenviper · 19/01/2016 16:29

It would be a polite refusal from me too op

Anyway, tell us about the hen do... Grin

MaidOfStars · 19/01/2016 16:33

If you want people at the ceremony, you host them properly, and feed/water them afterwards. You do not tell them to go away and come back in five hours. You do not do this in your hometown, let alone in a foreign country.

Can understand excluding numbers from meal because of expenses
I can't. If you invite people to your marriage, you feed them.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 19/01/2016 16:35

I've been to a few weddings abroad. Each was either a 2 day or more affair. We paid flights and hotel and the couple provided a knees up, entertainment, day trips (yep really) and after party. Bloody amazing and worth the cost of time, flight, hotel.

Your offer is a bit low key, OK in the UK, not acceptable to those travelling.

MamaLazarou · 19/01/2016 16:37

I would be declining the invitation - and telling her why, if she asked!

lorelei9 · 19/01/2016 16:40

OMD
That's bad form even if you're inviting people who will be around the corner, but abroad? (I mean the whole not inviting you for food). Re secret venue, beyond stupid. I assume they'll share the information with anyone who has accessibility needs.

Insane all round.

Are you going to tell her that you find that rude?

LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2016 16:42

No cameras? No phones? Is your friend some sort of Z list celeb who has done a deal with Hello magazine?!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/01/2016 16:43

I always say go, go, go, and stop being miserable, on wedding threads.

This one has got me though; don't go, the weirdos. Who asks some people to leave an evening do at 11 when it goes on til 1.00???

SirChenjin · 19/01/2016 16:43

Invites to the reception only have always been a thing up here - it raises few eyebrows, if any. What you're describing thought OP is totally unacceptable - decline (with a poem if possible! )

ABetaDad1 · 19/01/2016 16:46

The no cameras thing makes me think this is a 'very important people' style wedding.

The go away and come back thing happened at the wedding in Belgium I described earlier. Except the different elements of the wedding were all 40 km apart. It was sweltering hot and we basically stood outside the house where the reception was at the appointed time and were told to go away as the brides mother was 'not ready'. Hence all the UK guests spent a fortune on taxis and then all stood in a dusty lane in the middle of the Belgian countryside - miles from anywhere.

seafoodeatit · 19/01/2016 16:46

YANBU, to be honest with the cost of the flights alone I would be saying no regardless of how much of the wedding I had been invited to. Inviting you to only part of the wedding whilst asking you to go on a long, expensive flight strikes me as them being very blase with your presence, time and money.

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