to wonder what new wedding hell this is?

[VictorMeldrewsSocks]

My friend is getting married in April. She's gone back to her home country to do it. I have my 'save the date' card and have been waiting for the official invite to book the flights and hotel.

The invite arrived today. I've been invited to the wedding ceremony at 1.00 but not the formal reception afterwards. I am then invited to the evening do from 7.00 until 11.00 despite it going on to 1.00 am. Bearing in mind the flights alone will cost me over £800, aibu unreasonable to think it's a bit inconsiderate to not invite me to the whole thing. Especially as I'll be on my own stuck in a foreign town, knowing nobody and not speaking the language for the rest of the time.

But that's a side aibu. The new hell I'm wondering about is that the invite does not give any details of where the recption is taking place. The couple want to keep this secret until the day of the wedding. AIBaMiserableBastard in thinking that I'm not flying halfway round the world without first knowing whether or not it's spam sandwiches round her granny's house?

[rubybleu]

Are you absolutely sure that you aren't invited to the wedding breakfast?

Where I'm from we often have a 'Catholic pause' between ceremony & reception - wedding breakfasts (& evening do, it's all rolled into one event) don't start til 6pm. Civil (registrar) ceremonies are usually at 4pm but that doesn't work for church weddings. So you will get an invite to the ceremony at 2pm then reception at 6pm.

[angelos02]

I can't believe anyone would expect someone to give up their holiday days and money to travel to a wedding abroad and not even have them there for the full day. It is bad enough when people do that in the UK.

[BabyGanoush]

When we had to invite people from another country for our wedding, we paid for their B&B and taxi from B&B to venue, and I would not have DREAMED of inviting them to a part of it only

People are so weird

I would not go. It's a half-invite. It' crap. Fine if you're just a colleague,a nd it's not that far, but this set up is silly.

Bridezilla selfishness

[SirNiallDementia]

Wow, over £800 to attend part of a wedding day with no idea as to where the reception is!

I think a "decline" is in order.............!

[Chilliandbanana]

I got married overseas and we had the ceremony at 2.00 and then the next part of the wedding didn't start until 6.00. Everyone from overseas went to the pub while we had photos done. This is the normal way that weddings run in that country so maybe you haven't been excluded from the wedding breakfast after all. I was quite surprised when I arrived here and discovered that in England you had the food in the afternoon!

How do know that it goes on until 1.00?

[Lottapianos]

'Can understand excluding numbers from meal because of expenses
I can't. If you invite people to your marriage, you feed them.'

Absolutely right MaidOfStars. That is just basic good manners.

Some people seem to feel that their 'special day' gives them licence to behave like J-Lo crossed with Madonna

[RhodaBull]

In Europe the form is often to send out a card to loads of people announcing the wedding and giving the time of church ceremony.

The reception is for a "favoured few" - and they will get a separate card.

I have known a few misunderstandings and one in particular where a bunch of people actually went along to the reception and sat down, displacing invited guests.

But in OP's case - where she has been invited from abroad - it is rude not to invite her to the whole thing. Presumably other people will be local and can bugger off back home, but to spend £800 to sit on a park bench for several hours is ridiculous.

Not such a good friend as all that, methinks, OP. Don't go!!!

[Lweji]

licence to behave like J-Lo crossed with Madonna
I bet they were generous with their wedding guests, though.

[expatinscotland]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Did they demand money as a gift, too? There is no way I'd forgo replacing a car that's falling apart for a poxy wedding at any rate, but certainly not for an invitation like that. The 'leave at 11pm' would do it for me.

[Lweji]

Ahem
In Europe?

So, in the UK?

And I'm that my country has been kicked out of the Continent it has always belonged to.

[Elledouble]

Not for all the tea in Tesco would I go! Balls to it.

[ShhhBeQuiet]

It would be a thanks but no thanks from me too.

[PersephonePitstop]

Fuck that!

[wafflerinchief]

I'd decline and if pushed say that i assumed the restrictive nature of the invite was a hint that I'd been invited as a courtesy but was not in fact meant to take up the invitation. I went to a US wedding once where there was a secret late night party after the main reception that we weren't invited to - saw all the 'special' guests sneaking back a few hours after the end of the reception! DH and I felt like wallies as we'd spent quite a bit travelling to their home town for the wedding.

[Icouldbeknitting]

It makes it easier for you to say "no" now that you've seen that you've not made the close friends and family list. It's going to cost you well into four figures with accommodation, taxis and presumably clothes and if you spend that on your car you'll be getting the benefit from that cash for a long time.

I can understand trimming the numbers for the sit down meal but not when you know that your guests have spent an arm and a leg to get there. That in itself would thin the numbers enough. They've obviously come up with something unique for the evening do and don't want the risk of one of their friends using "their" idea.

Decline with not a second thought.

[Tweetypie100]

People who do weddings abroad need to realise that they can't always expect everyone to come. One of my friends is getting married this year and frankly rather than me and DH spend £2-3k on flights and accom over a holiday we really wanted (she's getting married in a place we don't want to go to) we had to decline. It was hard but we want to have some other holidays this year and this was never part of our budget. By getting married abroad, you pass on the cost to your guests and you know it. But we don't have to choose to accept it!

[iciclewinter]

YANBU. I don't like evening-only invitations at the best of the times but definitely not if you have to travel a long way and don't know where it will be!

[Aeroflotgirl]

That would be a thanks but no thanks, how rude. Wtf about the set up of the evening do, so will they usher all the B Lister's out at 11 for everyone to see. That is beyond disgusting and would be a deal breaker in the friendship.

[rookiemere]

We were once given advance notice of a wedding of a relative who lives abroad and invited as a family.

Thankfully we were unable to go as it clashed with our family holiday as when the actual invites came through DS was excluded.

I have zero problem with people having child free weddings, but quite what they expected us to do with our then 7 year old for a full day of festivities in a foreign country was beyond me.

Still at least we got a full invite.

Beyond rude, classy thing is to send a nice decline note and don't say why. If asked say that your car is dying and you simply can't afford it. If friend takes offense you have not only saved wedding attendance costs, but also wedding present expenses.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

What on earth comes over people when they're planning a wesding? It's like they're possessed!

I can't really say much mind. We've just pissed of a whole host of people by having a tiny wedding with only our DCs, Dads & his best friend invited. Still it saved me becoming a demanding harpy!

[expatinscotland]

I'd give them a token gift, too.

[CocktailQueen]

What a complete arse your friend is. So you're expected to pay hundreds of pounds in flights and hotels, and you're not even invited to the reception?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

What will you do with the money you save by not going to her wedding?!

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I've been invited to the wedding ceremony at 1.00 but not the formal reception afterwards. I am then invited to the evening do from 7.00 until 11.00 despite it going on to 1.00 am."

I don't think she expects you to come, Victor. I think, given the distance, that invitation has been designed to be declined.

As someone suggested up thread, send a card with your best wishes and regrets, but no present.

[iciclewinter]

Yes I think just a card would be fine too.

[Fatrascals]

No way would I go.
You have the right to plan and to look forward to the event.
Anyway, it all sounds bollocks.