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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in awe of single parents

206 replies

agapimou · 19/01/2016 12:55

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

OP posts:
ewbank · 23/01/2016 19:00

Oh dear Orlando. Oh deary dear.

What a shame. One of the few threads where single parents get a bit of a pat on the back gets a big ole fuck of pile of shit dumped all over it by a cunt.

Shame.

FrameyMcFrame · 23/01/2016 19:00

Yes, agree with previous posters that a lot if not most SP don't get weekends off. My DexP was a feckless idiot, who couldn't look after himself never mind anyone else.
He's now dead, so that doesn't help in the weekends off front.

Kewcumber · 23/01/2016 19:03

People are suggesting he's useless because if you really wouldn't notice the difference not ever having him around then the only explanation is that he's useless (and even having to explain that to you make me Hmm)

I'm just being honest - yes honest about how you think you'd manage.

We all manage. It really isn;t as easy as you seem to think - and I chose to do it alone.

ewbank · 23/01/2016 19:04

The "oh you get every other weekend off" can't come close to understanding what it's like to hand a 6 month old over to someone you wouldn't trust with a goldfish. I used to feel physically ill.

Kewcumber · 23/01/2016 19:05

He's now dead, so that doesn't help in the weekends off front. now you're just making excuses - buck up.

Kewcumber · 23/01/2016 19:05

ewbank - sympathies I can;t imagine sharing DS with anyone and living apart from him part of the time

WildeWoman · 23/01/2016 19:10

That is a really lovely post OP. Sorry you are struggling. Most single parents struggle massively too in the first few months first two years Then it becomes a norm.
It is lovely of you to acknowledge how hard it is to be a single parent, but don't feel you're a failure for finding things tough on your own, when you're not used to it.
Life is so much easier with two heads and two pairs of hands.

ewbank · 23/01/2016 19:10

Thanks Kew. I'm not sure how people forget that actually, they didn't have kids so they could have every other weekend away from them. Every other birthday not making them a birthday breakfast, every other Christmas not seeing their faces on Christmas morning.

Seems you'd have to be particularly unimaginative to think that sharing your child and not seeing them for part of the time is any sort of walk in the park.

megletthesecond · 23/01/2016 19:14

The vast majority of lp's I know don't get every other weekend off. I've had a handful of nights off in 7yrs.

In a very bored moment the other day I realised I've had ten evenings out in all those seven years. And I have a crappy office job that is about as social as sitting in a nuclear bunker. I talk to myself a lot.

Happydappy99 · 23/01/2016 19:21

I get every other weekend 'off' and I use that time to clean the house top to bottom and do all the washing and ironing I haven't had time to do when the DC's are home. I also get to meet friends for coffee occasionally to make up for all the times I have to say no to invitations because I don't have live in childcare. I also sleep through the night without being woken up every two hours.......

ewbank · 23/01/2016 19:22

Actually I don't know any single parents apart from me.

So that's.... y'know..... social......

feelingdizzy · 23/01/2016 19:23

I have brought my kids up all by myself for 12 years they are now 13 and 14,they don't really see their dad and my family are in another country.
Its been lovely to see the many nice things that have been written,its always lovely to have some empathy thrown your way.

Orlando you know your husband he provides money ,a friendly ear,a laugh with/at your kids,occasionally even does something round the house,makes you a cup of tea,helps you when you are sick.They are all just me, always just me,there is noone waiting in the wings.I too am independent and make all the flat pack furniture ,even when I struggle.

That's OK I have a fantastic life great kids ,a good career,but there is no mystical entity that comes in to save the day,when I'm sick,tired worried,pissed off living with teens.Need to be at work and take the kids to the doctors.I have to be independent and strong,even when I can't.

Lurkedforever1 · 23/01/2016 19:52

Spot on orlando, just like an lp aren't you, I mean 99% of childcare and building ikea flat packs is pretty much it. You just don't get the perks of free nursery which of course all lps qualify for.

Seriously, have you heard the saying; better to keep your mouth closed and have people assume you're a fool, than to open it and confirm it? If not you should ponder on it.

NickiFury · 23/01/2016 19:58

What utter crap orlando.

I'm a single parent. I don't get any weekends off, never have.
No families near by. My ex SIL takes them occasionally.

I think the all single parents get every other weekend thing is quite a middle class assumption. No single parent I know gets this.

Lurkedforever1 · 23/01/2016 20:25

ewbank as an lp who has never had an ex around in dds life, I'd like to say I'm in awe of lps like you, who have no choice but to put up with pretend dads on the scene. Being entirely alone is far less stressful than alone with the complications of an excuse for fatherhood.

Possibly the nicest compliment I ever had was from a married friend who had her first 2 years ago, and since I've known her (10yrs) has been nothing but supportive to me. When her dd was a few weeks old she said 'how the fuck did you do this alone?' And since then despite her dh working long hours for a pretty low income, has said the same. And she doesn't want an answer, it's more a statement.

DancingDinosaur · 23/01/2016 20:42

Thats true Lurked. Its really not easy doing the lot by yourself, but I'd take that over an ex feckless waste of space who I then have to make parenting decisions with. At least I get the last say on everything. Of course there will be those who are reasonable with each other for the sake of the children, although I'm not sure how common that is really.

Lurkedforever1 · 23/01/2016 20:57

Exactly dancing. I'm in no way implying dds father is anything but a cunt, and certainly over- qualified to be CEO of cunts'r'us. But at least he isn't on the scene in any form.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/01/2016 21:00

Orlando,

I'm incredibly interested to know how a husband that if he left it would make no difference to you could possibly be a good one.

Is he talking equal responsibility for the children's wellbeing care and health?
Is he taking equal responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of your household?
Is he taking equal responsibility for the practical stuff in the house?
The financial load?
Anything at all that is fairly usual and normal within a partnership,you know the sort of stuff that sensible people chose to be in a partnership for?

AmIthatbloodycold · 23/01/2016 21:05

How odd.

I don't get every other weekend off

I don't get any benefits other than Child benefit - plus DD's PIP

I didn't get free nursery places

For 12 years,I have had no social life

Who do I complain to, please?

Kewcumber · 23/01/2016 21:29

I think I mentioned earlier my theory on the hierarchy of shitness -

two parents happily partnered
two single parents amicably splitting things
Totally lone (or pretty much lone) parent
two parent family with one utterly shit parent.

Or something like that.

Being totally sinlge is without doubt easier than managing a shit current or ex-partner but if it's no better being single parent than a happily partnered parent then why on earth bother getting married? Confused Tax reliefs are pretty minimal.

ewbank · 23/01/2016 21:31

I'd parent alone rather than with my cunt of an ex husband any day of the week.

At least I only have to deal with the bullshit sporadically now, whereas it used to be a constant feature of my life.

MissMarpling · 23/01/2016 21:36

My daughter is now 20 and I have always been a single parent. And I always worked full time and shifts. Yes it was bloody difficult but it does get easier. Although practical gets easier while emotional stuff solo gets harder.. But I can honestly say it's the thing I am most proud of.
I can remember in an interview when I was asked what idid in my spare time I said sleep!

unicorn501 · 23/01/2016 21:56

You know what, I'm a single parent and I do get every other weekend off. In fact, this half term I'm getting a whole week off... And I'm a teacher so it means I am, quite literally getting the whole week off Grin

I'm not going to apologise for it, I bloody deserve it! And getting 2 nights 'off' out of 14, and 2 weeks every year in no way makes up for the emotional and financial burden of doing literally everything for my children on my own the rest of the time. Every single drop off, pick up, childminders, afterschool clubs, every meal, every activity, homework, bath time, bedtime, all the cleaning and trying to hold down a full time job.... No family support, my life is a complex matrix of lift share arrangements and babysitting favours. Not to mention the night of throwing up in a bucket while DC2 throws up in the loo next to me and DC1 is pulling the sheets off her own sicky bed for me, because we ALL came down with the winter vomiting bug at the same time...

DancingDinosaur · 23/01/2016 22:06

And thats fair enough too Unicorn. You are bearing the brunt of it for most of the time alone. And its hard. You have nothing to apologise for either. All of our situations are different, we just get on with it as best we can.

NickiFury · 23/01/2016 22:29

I'm glad you get it unicorn. We ALL should Smile