To be in awe of single parents

[agapimou]

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

Still dh would always be there if needed and presumably he doesn't remove his salary when he's away! Struggling financially is often a big added worry for single parents.

My ex was in the army and served in Bosnia - it was difficult but emotionally you didn't feel so alone, phone calls, faxes etc as well as joint decision making for all the big stuff. Of course having to agree about the big stuff brings its own problems which depending on your relationship can make things harder rather than easier.

My rule of thumb is that totally lone parenting is generally easier than being in a really crap relationship but harder than being in a good relationship.

I adopted, "think less, do more". The more time I spent thinking about how much there was to do the harder it got. And the road to madness is signposted "it would be so much easier if X did Y".

DH will be back. You'll survive. Get yourselves a decent meal as a priority. And some decent sleep. Then get just one room sorted out so you have a bit of a sanctuary. Soon enough you'll find your feet. Promise :-)

I do get the rage when married friends complain about 'feeling like a single parent' because their husbands have worked away for a night or two They seriously do not feel like a single parent!!

The day to day parenting is not whats hard about being a single parent, whats hard is being the sole bread winner, not having any emotional or adult support and not having someone to share the responsibilities with!!

Kew no you are right money is crucial to coping. However when dh was out of work for 2 years trust me we struggled.

Being a single parent doesn't automatically mean poor just as being a couple doesn't mean you are financially secure.

It's a case by case basis isn't it.

Nice of you to acknowledge how it may feel for others and to appreciate having a partner.

And a lot more welcome than the "I know how you single parents feel because John's in France for the week." I get from friends with partners.

No, you don't. Because a. I've been doing this 8 years, not one measly week
b. No John 1) paying for everything, 2) missing us 3)phoning each evening
c. No money to order in, pay cleaners or babysitters or anything other than survive
d. No grandparents, cousins or extended family to give a toss..

She meant well but honestly

I worry that some pp find it patronising because otherwise this is a great thread on which to say: it's true, single parents ARE amazing and I'm sorry that some of you don't hear this enough. My DH is away a lot (currently every week) but pp are absolutely right - I have the financial support and knowledge that at some point he comes back and I can go HERE. HERE, TAKE YOUR LOVELY CHILD.

I thought I was the shit before I had kids, I found having a baby and the time afterwards the biggest (and probably well-deserved) shock to the system. I will remember so clearly forever sitting in bed at 4am with baby thinking 1) how the FUCK has every person who has ever had a child, DONE THIS?!? and 2) I can't BELIEVE as a society we are scathing about single parents and demonise in particular single TEENAGE mums!!!!!! WTF?

Parents who are throwing their all into bringing up kids well to be contributing members of society WITHOUT the help of the other parent who should have equal responsibility SHOULD be celebrated by society.

Of course case by case - but you can't escape the statistics that children of single parents are twice as likely to be living in relative poverty (ie by UK standards) than two parent families and more than half single parents receive no maintenance.

It's undeniably easier to manage financially with two adults capable of earning and looking after children however you slice it than one.

I have said many times since DD was born that I don't know how single parents manage, you are all awesome!
My mum was on her own with me from about age 5 and she worked full time to keep a roof over our heads. I've only recently appreciated how hard that must have been.

Cloppy - regarding my previous post about money, ex gives me next to nothing (which goes straight into the kids savings accounts) and I earn ££ more than him. More than enough to keep us.

I just hate having any contact with him. So he was emailing about some paltry sum and I was simply saying "fine, do what you like".

He wanted an argument though so round it goes. I ended up agreeing to give him £100 just to fuck off.

The money isn't important at all. It's the not always being able to distance myself from his bullshit (because they're his kids and he still sees them) that grates.

All the single parent stuff is fine, otherwise.

Agree! we can barely manage with one child! Chaos reigns.
My friends who manage alone are impressively organised.

I don'tkclass myself as a single parent because DP visits on the weekends or of he has time off from the Army. We do not live together we do not share any finances, he does pay an allowence to me monthly for DS.

DS came as a suprise and early in our relationship, therefore we have rushed nothing.

I work a 30hour week. I don't know what I am classed as but all I know is I'm on my own a lot, I've had minimal contact with DP since the new year because of his work and I've not seen him in person. I get maybe 2 texts a day at the moment.

All that saaid I have to say we just get on with it. DS is 17months now so we've just adapted, we have our routine and we stick to it. It's when you get thrown out of the routine it gets difficult I find.

Only one child????? goodness me you need to get better organised. I had 4 children under 10 and husband worked away.
You rely too much on others so fall apart when its takenaway.
Crack on

kilmuir No helpful tips, rather than just putting the op down? The point is she hasn't had to be on her own before now, so how do you suggest she should have learned self reliance? I'm willing to bet you didn't just magically become amazing at parenting four on your own, there's a learning curve.

Single parent of 5 here. It can be hard and I'm single single in the sense of no help and no money from their father although now only 2 are left school it's dead easy other than financially.

For childcare for under 5s when you work at home I employed a full time daily person who came to the house at 8 and left at 6. That way I could work properly and keep us all.

Im not in awe of single parents, stay at home parents, married parents, any parents, per se. Circumstances vary massively. 'Single parent' doesn't tell us hardly anything.

I am in awe of my widowed friend with four kids/no grandparental support, she works and is amazing.

I was a single parent of one when DS was small, shared parenting with ex, it was incredibly cushty.

I have a friend who qualified her awe of single parents by saying 'I don't know how single parents of more than one child do it'. Yeah because being a single parent to one is a walk in the park.

It's the not always being able to distance myself from his bullshit (because they're his kids and he still sees them) that grates.

This. Absolutely. We can just about survive on my wage alone but it's the mind-fuckery that comes with having the ex hanging around on the periphery that I struggle with. As do the DC.

I agree with Helmet.

I also don't understand how you can't have found time for a shower for six days, unless I am taking the op too literally.

I just fake it until I make it!
I work full time, DS is two. I have a tumble drier, it's the only thing that saves me!!
Make lunches the night before, batch cook meals on a Sunday for the freezer. My one luxury is a cleaner once every two weeks. I go to bed at 9pm every night.

I'd be a single parent any day rather than go back to my ex!!!!

I'd be a single parent any day rather than go back to my ex!!!!

With knobs on :)

Just wanted to say CallieG you were an absolute hero imo what you coped with there
Single parenting is hard no doubt - not only the lack of someone to talk to/take on board some responsibility emotionally financially physically, but the stigma you have to contend with, and the after effects of an ex or of grieving, depending on circumstances.And as others have said, you never get invited to anything socially. It does vary, some only do it for a relatively short period, my own experience has been its got harder as time goes on, just doing it long term

btw I didn't find it patronising at all OP, I'll take any praise I can get usually nowt

Mandymops

YES!! It's like you don't get invited because you don't come as part of a pair.

If I knew you I'd help you out too.

Thank you for the compliments. It's tough, but better than having a man child about the place. (so much better).

to you and your wonderful MIL.

I was so tired in the evenings I didn't want to go out anyway. And their bedtimes had a ring of fire around them - NO way were they going to play up feel guilty about that now though

When i was doing some DIY my neighbour quipped 'doing it yourself then?' 'I do everything myself!' I snarled. Bad day. But that was the thing I found so crushing sometimes: EVERYTHING was up to me. Every bloody thing.

Wonderful memories though. Halcyon days! I miss it and i'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

How can you not shower for 6 days?