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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in awe of single parents

206 replies

agapimou · 19/01/2016 12:55

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

OP posts:
minipie · 19/01/2016 13:41

YANBU, I feel the same.

It's bloody hard work with 2 parents so I can only imagine how hard it is for single parents.

Absentee/non contributing fathers parents give me extreme rage.

Does sound like you have quite a lot of help OP Grin (not a criticism, I do too, we are very lucky!)

Backingvocals · 19/01/2016 13:43

Nice post OP Smile

I mean sorry that you are struggling and some times are really grim - that's true. But it's nice to have the endorsement.

It is really tough sometimes, especially, as someone said, when you are ill yourself. But 9 years in, I am on it, mostly Grin. Although caveat - I have no pets. I always say I'm doing well to keep two living creatures other than myself alive and I'm not taking on any more. Even a potted plant is beyond me - literally Grin. My neighbours all have nice window boxes and I always think that would be nice and then I go back to the long list of chores I already have to manage and I get over the idea.

I survive by having very low expectations in terms of how clean my house is etc. My children's school uniform is 100% polyester, non-iron, all a bit grey. Other parents send their kids in cotton shirts with sewn-in labels. All of that goes out of the window at my house. I also rely on school meals so think nothing of a boiled egg and toast for dinner. Absolute no to packed lunches - just another chore.

I also have no life for me - almost none. I prioritise the gym twice a week and that's it. As they always say, you can have kids and work, or kids and social life or social life and work but not all three at once.

morningmistermagpie · 19/01/2016 13:49

I agree with the OP! I only have one child and and currently on Mat leave and still struggle to get everything done and not go mental with the relentlessness of parenting. My DH is very supportive but spends a lot of time out of the house for various things and I have no family, and after a couple of days on my own I am desperate for a break. Single parents never really get a break or a day off and I am totally in awe of them.

The ones I know have lovely tidy houses as well, way tidier than mine - they are heroes!

SushiAndTheBanshees · 19/01/2016 14:01

YANBU. I started thinking this when I was pregnant with my first DC. To have the worries of providing financially, practically and emotionally resting all on one pair of shoulders....wow. It's a lot, whether it's through separation/divorce or bereavement. And then some people have the extra hassle and work (for parent and child) of an uncooperative or obstructive ex if it's a messy divorce etc, or the sorrow and pain of a missed partner and parent if it's a bereavement.

I thank my stars every time I read about unreasonable exes or widows/widowers on MN. So very lucky to be happily married.

ghostyslovesheep · 19/01/2016 14:09

Thanks op I hope you get some sleep tonight x

You cope because you have no choice - I have 3 aged 7,11 and 13 - been on my own since he left for the ow when our baby was 8 months old!
I work as well and you just have to be organised and plan well - I am pt so I can catch up with house work etc when they are at school - but I do clothes washing/ cooking/bits of cleaning daily
I do get head space as well as they have regular contact with my twat of an ex

FrenchJunebug · 19/01/2016 14:10

I am a single mum and the hardest things are 1) it is relentless. I can't tell my son to go and ask somebody else. 2) I wish I has somebody to share the good time with 3) when I am ill (like now).

Thus said, I do not know any different to needs must.

DaisyDando · 19/01/2016 14:16

The sleep. I am in awe of single parents because my baby is a bad sleeper and it makes me want to cry sometimes.

GailLondon · 19/01/2016 14:18

But why on earth haven't you showered for 6 days? Or done any clothes washing? You don't have to cram everything into her naptime, just try and carry on with normal home life while she is awake and with you. It's not difficult to grab a quick shower while the baby is in the bathroom with you with a few toys on the floor. Packing and unpacking the washing machine is actually quite fun for a toddler, so definitely get her involved in that!
Maybe look into getting food shopping delivered if you are struggling to get out and buy food supplies.

starry0ne · 19/01/2016 14:19

YANBU.... I am ill at the mo..After school run I have been in bed all day just got up at 2 so I can get some sleep...Not an option when ill and with a toddler... I have been ill since Saturday and my DS diet is suplemented by vitamin tablets...

I agree with you frenchbug

My son has also just recieved a diagnosis...My friends have been great however no one else in the world feels it the way I do

Hope you get a good nights sleep OP

Bungleboggs · 19/01/2016 14:20

I've have 4 year old twins ! No help from ex as disappeared before they were born, I work 4 dats a week and just get on with it. All you need is a routine (and gin)

Babyroobs · 19/01/2016 14:22

Some lone parents have a lot of help from ex partners/ family etc and have ex's who have the kids all weekend, some are completely on their own without any support. We are a two parent family with 4 kids but due to the high cost of childcare we have always had to work around each other, so dh works 9-5 and I have always worked evenings/ nights and weekends, meaning that dh had to do it all on his own, there wasn't a lot of times when we were both off together. My point is that it's not just lone parents that have to cope with kids on their own, although I do appreciate that a lone parent without any support, someone to share parenting decisions etc with has it particularly hard. My cousin is a lone parent who's kids have very little contact with their dad yet has huge family support with grandpsrents/ aunties etc doing lots of the childcare. Every situation is different.

Strangeoccurence · 19/01/2016 14:23

Thank you OP.
I am a single mother of 3. Aged 5,7 and 11.
We just have to get on with it. Its bloody hard work. I got a part time job, and its made things more stressful. I dont really help myself though, i added two cats, a puppy and a few reptiles to the mix because im fucking stupid things obviously werent difficult enough for me

KP86 · 19/01/2016 14:27

Short term I found single parenthood easier than two people (eg. if DH travels for work), but long term I think it would be flat out exhausting and I have so much respect for single parents, especially those without other family support.

By myself, especially when DS was still a baby and I was on mat leave, I didn't need to think about the second person's meals or what they wanted at all. It was me and DS. We did what I wanted and when. I had a lot of eggs on toast for dinner though! I had a good sleeper (thanks, sleep school!) which makes a difference in terms of being able to shower for myself and have alone time of an evening. It did get boring at times and I missed my fellow adult!

Not doubting the hard times for you, because I've been there with a bad sleeper and it's EXHAUSTING. I can't imagine adding work on top of that.

Bungleboggs · 19/01/2016 14:30

I do have to admit my twins slept roughly 6-7 from 6 months and still do. I and hugely grateful for my evenings. I think if I'd had bad sleepers I wouldn't have found it so manageable

amarmai · 19/01/2016 14:36

i'm nodding in recognition=better off without him and chuckling = not so clean in the corners and cheering you all on . I'm out the other end and in my 70s and it was worth it. Advice=a blind eye and a deaf ear are essential to survival as a sm. Life savers= go to a great hotel/restaurant for special events rather than kill yourself doing it at home.

Goodbetterbest · 19/01/2016 14:36

OP, thanks but if I may say you need to get some systems in place.

It's a killer when your LO doesn't nap.

Can you get a cleaner? I would rather live on cornflakes than not have her help. 3 hours once a fortnight minimum is all you need. £15 a week. And what you get back emotionally and mentally is priceless.

I'm a LP to 4dcs, before that XH was away a lot. It's fine. On occasion having to take the bin out AGAIN can make me weep however.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 19/01/2016 15:01

to be fair the first two weeks are the hardest until you sort of work outa new routine.

and the house may possibly be a tip.. Blush

Original poster
agapimou · 19/01/2016 15:29

GailLondon I wish I could put her on the floor with a few toys, but she will simply stand up, run away and then crash face first into something. I have to be behind her on full alert or she will get seriously hurt. We have marble tiled flooring throughout our house (we're not rich, we live in Greece and all houses come with it) and its incredibly slippery. We tried carpets but she just trips on the ends of them, plus the dogs scrunch them up trying to make beds.

I taken to putting reins on her in the house to save my back. Not ideal as she now knows that she's safe and runs full pelt around the house while looking over her shoulder!

Mil picked her up an hour ago, house is clean, now for a shower and work! me really sad stories on here, but also a testament to how strong people can be when they have no choice. Dd is a very high needs baby/toddler, wants mum constantly, still breast feeds every few hours (usually for comfort more than actual hunger) and has NEVER played alone in the playpen. Going to buy mil a gift tomorrow I think Smile

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 19/01/2016 16:22

I also work full time and have no family nearby. My son is independent and I always make time for him but he know that from 8pm he is in bed and it's my time. I think that as a single parent you just get on with things and also expect your child to do the same.

minipie · 19/01/2016 16:24

14 months is a tough age if they have no sense of danger - DD used to hurt herself every 5 minutes at that age. To a certain extent you need to let her crash a few times (on the floor not into a sharp corner) so she gets the idea...

(i'm a bit of a meanie though)

Kewcumber · 19/01/2016 16:42

Thank you

I am awesome

(PS my top tip is "Lower your standards")

Kewcumber · 19/01/2016 16:47

All you need is a routine (and gin)

Or failing that - just gin

The biggest deal if you are a truly lone parent is for me:

1 - the relentlessness of it especially if you have a child with additional needs
2 - no-one else feels the same about your child as you do, joy or despair you don't share it in the same way
3 - the financial strain

In that context who cares about the housework!

Cutecat78 · 19/01/2016 16:52

I have been a single parent for 10 yrs (now 18, 16, 13) no one has ever told me I am awesome so I'll take it thanks Grin

(I am lying slightly as I now have a DP but he works away always and is in the Navy so spends months at sea and doesn't count).

Cutecat78 · 19/01/2016 16:53

And - Definitely lower your standards and drink wine or other alcoholic beverage.

toffeeboffin · 19/01/2016 16:53

'I remember saying to DH when DS was about 3 weeks old that men who left women on their own with tiny babies should be imprisoned - I really meant it! I was in the midst of awful PND but still. Having said that my friend has a 3 year old on her own and she's always made it look easy!

In Canada, but check this story out.

'Their father abandoned the family'

WTAF? Sad