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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in awe of single parents

206 replies

agapimou · 19/01/2016 12:55

Dh is working away for 2 weeks. Mil usually takes 14 month old dd in the evenings but has been sick for 5 days.

We have been living on spaghetti and cheese sandwiches for the last 3 days. The house is an absolute tip, we have no clean clothes, the dogs need a walk, the hamster needs cleaning out, I havn't showered for 6 days and last night I cried when dd woke up at 3 am again. I also work from home and am about to lose several clients as dd only napped for about 45 minutes these last days.

Seriously how the fuck do you do it? Mil is over her cold and thankfully taking dd tonight, otherwise I am ready to hand myself into ss.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 19/01/2016 17:01

thank you very much Grin
I don't have any family around either - do I get bonus points?

toffee many women are in a much better position without the father around and may even ask them to leave/leave them as opposed to being "left". A manchild is definitely one child too many, and life as a single Mum is easier than with someone trying to constantly drag them or put them down.

LovelyFriend · 19/01/2016 17:02

OMG - yeah there is a special place in hell for THAT "father"

toffeeboffin · 19/01/2016 17:16

I know, lovelyfriend, a lot are more trouble than they are worth!

Definite bonus points for you - bet you are doing a stellar job Grin

VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/01/2016 17:34

I was a single mother from day one until DS was four, when my now DH moved in with us. He's an awesome stepdad. In a lot of ways, I think it was easier, not having to consider anyone else when making decisions, it just being the two of us.

And then DS drives me bonkers and I consider how I would punish DH if he ever left me to do it alone again Grin

Mandymops · 19/01/2016 18:09

I've been a single mum since the start (daughter now 21) and at first I thought it easier, just having to concentrate on the baby and nobody else. If I was still in my pjs at 6.00 pm there was nobody to judge. I learned fast that No had to absolutely mean No with no negotiation and that all promises and threats had to be realistic and carried through. This meant I had to be stricter than I may otherwise have been but firm boundaries really do make a happier child. The teenage years were tough; those inevitable times when they're out late and not picking up the phone, when it would have been nice to have someone to discuss whether it would now be time to panic. Agapimou shouldn't feel inadequate though. It's our little routines which keep all us mums sane and when they go out the window, life becomes stressful. We're she to be in that situation a couple of weeks longer, she'd develop strategies and be coping like a ninja mum. It's just what you're used to.

Flutterbywings · 19/01/2016 18:34

I'm a single mum, father of Dc is totally absent. I have a chronic autoimmune illness and my child has autism, seizures and learning difficulties. It is the hardest thing I can ever imagine doing but the most rewarding and beautiful also. Before both of us were diagnosised it was so hard just from the lack of sleep. I admit many a nightime I used to cry as ds just didn't sleep and I was so exhausted from my illness but didn't know why.

A combination of ds's needs means that a lot of things that people look forward to like days out, holidays etc are just not possible for us right now.
But it's also meant I can throw myself into ds's world I have no one else to thing about. I can spend days absorbed in things he loves and that makes him so happy and confident in who he is it's such a joy.

It would certainly have been much harder if his father had been involved. I've been on my own many years now and I am starting to miss the company sometimes now. Some one to share my passions and interests with. I don't know how I'll ever meet someone though Sad ds still sleeps badly and wants to co sleep, I can't go out at weekends or in the evening. It does make me sad sometimes especially as I'm still so tired all the time I don't know how I'd have the energy for anyone else.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/01/2016 18:41

To echo pps, it's what you're used to, and you cope because you have no choice. And tbh it's not so much the physical side, once you're used to it unless you're ill, it's the mental side that's hard.

I think part of the reason many of us cope so well is down to very good organisation, and constantly keeping on top of things. If you have a partner, then subconsciously you know that the trashed house/ sleep/ shopping/ house + garden jobs etc can all be tackled when you're back to normal. If you're alone, you know there's never catch up time with young children/ babies, so you make yourself do it as and when.

Newenglandinthefall · 19/01/2016 18:43

What do you mean your MIL usually takes your DD in the evening? Does she not stay with you?

Jw35 · 19/01/2016 18:47

Single mum of a 12 year old dd, 12 month old dd and I'm 12 weeks pregnant! (That a lot of 12's)! I'm a single mum by choice, youngest and baby to be via a donor. I know I'm awesome..not really! My 2 had super noodles and bread and butter for tea tonight and my house is a tip too! It's not really any easier choice or otherwise. All the same I love it

Girlfriend36 · 19/01/2016 18:48

I have been a single parent to dd now 9yo since pregnancy and am looking like this at your post op Confused and Grin

I guess you have to get really organised, my dd was also a nightmare high needs baby/toddler but I always managed a shower and to cook some dinner. I agree with pp who said routine helps, dd was in bed at 7pm every night and had a 2 hour nap in her cot every afternoon. This was essential to my ability to cope and function Grin

StrawberriCream · 19/01/2016 18:49

I've become a single parent three weeks ago, I have three children 6,4&1 it's hard, I work part time. I'm very lucky to have family and friends willing to help me and a small amount of savings can use while they are figuring out my new tax credits claim. I've already noticed I'm using less loo roll and I'm able to save the portion(s) of food my STBXH would have had to freeze for another day.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 19/01/2016 18:54

I am a single mum of 5 with no family (or friends here).

I wouldn't have it any other way now, we are far better off than we were.

You just need a good routine.

I'm very much one for thinking 'it's all too much' and end up doing nothing because I don't know where to start, so I need to not let it get to that point.

Flowers op, it's hard when you aren't used to it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/01/2016 19:05

If your dh wasn't coming back you'd muddle through eventually. You do what needs doing because you just have to get on with it. At least he's coming back My ( violent) h left and comes back and forth to the house to see the kids ( leaves me the most horrible letters/texts ) and that's worse than if he disappeared and never came back. I think single parents do have it a little easier if they don't know any different - but only a little

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 19/01/2016 19:05

I'm a single parent, with a dog and dd aged 3. I'm also a student nurse and work pt, I have limited support and me and my best friend who is a sp do childcare swaps.

I'm really feeling it tonight, probably tired as dd isn't sleeping, this post made me well up and I just wanted to say thank you as I often think people slag us off as having children with feckless men and making bad choices

Original poster
agapimou · 19/01/2016 19:05

What do you mean your MIL usually takes your DD in the evening? Does she not stay with you?

Mil takes her from 4 until around 7 - 8. She does her bath and eats dinner there then comes home all nice and sleepy and ready for bed. Sometimes. Mil lives about 5 houses down from us so lucky in that respect.

StrawberriCream Flowers for you, you sound like your coping terrifically.

I get that it can sometimes be easier if the dh is out of the picture, especially if they are abusive/lazy. I honestly expected to enjoy these 2 weeks without dh to have my own space, but i miss him terribly! On the plus side food items such as milk, biscuits and cheese have lasted for longer than ten minutes and I don't have to fight for the laptop. But those perks are certainly not worth it when I have to walk the dogs myself, take out the bins, kill my own spiders and wake up with dd in the night (usually he does it!)

Good news though, he is heading home. The job was awful so I get him home again after just a week. Will have to take this as a learning experience to be far more thankful for all the help I have Smile

Really enjoying reading all your stories of survival and overcoming the odds even though it makes me feel even more useless!

OP posts:
Pipsqueak23 · 19/01/2016 19:07

I'm a single mum but have been from the word go. I think you find it harder because you are used to the support being there. I'm only used to doing it by myself. If it wasn't a temporary thing you would learn and adapt and into a better routine x

Mrsleighdelamare · 19/01/2016 19:08

Agree with you totally OP, my husband was in hospital for a long stint last year and it was hard going, knackering more than anything else though in the sense that you can't really switch off ever. He also works abroad for a month or so each year. However, we are in a pretty good routine, and it helps that all mine are at school. The thing that I found hard was knowing that there was no-one else but me to get them up and out to school every morning.

Working from home with a baby - not good though. It didn't work for me at all!

Two of my DSis are single parents, I am in awe.

Ineedtimeoff · 19/01/2016 19:09

Some advice:

  • Set up the travel cot and stick DD in it whilst you prepare something to eat
  • lock the bathroom door and make sure it's child friendly with some toys whilst you have a shower. Alternatively take her into the shower with you
  • put the tv on and let her watch a bit whilst you get on with the washing
  • get her into nursery (how can you work from home with a young child there?)
  • have an early night. Tiredness is the killer!
Original poster
agapimou · 19/01/2016 19:15

NorfolkEnchantsToday You are very welcome

And to all of you ladies, a big fat Well Done to each and every one of you. I have never encountered any prejudice toward single parent families myself but can imagine it exists. I was raised by my dad from 4 years old and although he didn't do the best job, he got me here and i'm thankful for that.

Our happy, smiling, perfect little children are the evidence of our awesome parenting abilities. I tell myself that every time somebody criticizes my parenting choices, which happens a lot here in Greece Confused

OP posts:
Mandymops · 19/01/2016 19:18

One thing I would like to say to friends of single mums, invite them to grown up stuff. In all my years of being a single parent, I can count on one hand the number of times I was invited to mixed, adult gatherings at people's houses. I tried to counter this by throwing the odd party myself, but it's hard, both financially and logistically when you're on your own. Most of my closest friends would only ever have me over for pasta round the kitchen table with the children, often chatting about all the catering etc they were doing for their adult gatherings. That would really make me want to just go home and cry. I had no family around and although friends always said they would babysit, they were always busy on the few occasions I enquired whether they could. A dinner, lunch or party with mixed adult company, where the children could bunk up with yours, may just be the high point of a single mum's calendar. It doesn't have to be at all fancy, just adult conversation.

Lurkedforever1 · 19/01/2016 19:21

You aren't useless op, it's just what you're used to. Same as someone used to living on £100k isn't useless to struggle on £20k at first, or same as someone with singletons isn't useless compared to a parent of multiples. Lps aren't born with magical powers, they just get used to it. If you're lucky enough to not need to cope as an lp, then just enjoy it rather than thinking it makes you useless Smile

NorfolkEnchantsToday · 19/01/2016 19:23

I couldn't agree
More mandy

amarmai · 19/01/2016 19:26

Heather those letters and texts shd be taken to the police as that is harassment.

kimhp · 19/01/2016 20:12

When dh used to work away I would really really struggle with my lb. I'd cry on the phone to him how awful he was for leaving his ex with their daughter when she was small 🙊 Several friends were single parents and I really couldn't understand how they did it. Now I can't stand it when he's home! He interrupts our routines and our "calmness".
My mum was really involved in our sons upbringing until recently and its transpired that the more people around the worse my boy was!!

Cloppysow · 19/01/2016 20:31

I find it really patronising when people "take their hat off" to me as a single parent. It makes me feel different.

I'm not different. I'm just a mum, like any other, who gets on with it because my kids are the most important thing in the world and that's the hand i've been dealt. If i thought about it, how i manage and how difficult it's been, i'd crack up.

I might seem tough as old boots, but i'm not, I'm as vulnerable as fuck.